Ivanka Trump is officially a dirty Jew. She converted to the religion in order for boy-toy Jared Kushner’s family to allow them to get engaged.

“Jared is my best friend for many reasons,” the heiress said. “I’ve allowed him to see who I truly am and he still loves me. I don’t feel like I have any defensive walls built up around me … He’s a bit of a hero of mine. His ability to remain focused – he lacks an anxiety that’s natural for someone his age handed so much responsibility.”

You can kinda-sorta get a look at Ivanka’s bling in these photos from the Whitney Museum’s party on Friday, and then I stole this close-up from People. Um … not too shabby, ‘vanks! MAZEL TOV! Now that you’re Jewish, how’s about a little Tzedakah? I’ll settle for 10% of your net wealth. It’ll please our God, I promise. And I’ve been negotiating with him for a lot longer than you.

Did I ever tell you guys about the time I wore Ivanka Trump’s tank top? So my parents shipped me off every summer to this “camp” outside of Boston — there was nothing “camp” about it, though. We slept in fancy dorms and ate fancy foods and occasionally were compelled to attend “activities,” but basically we just had a ton of free time to wander around and get high and engage in various sexual activities with one another. Needless to say, the camp attracted a lot of kids from NYC’s Upper East Side, and one of them was a close friend of Ivanka Trump. I grabbed a white tank top out of her closet one day because I liked it, and she saw me wearing it in the hall and she was like, “Um, you’re wearing Ivanka Trump’s tank top.” And I was like “What?” And she was like, “Yeah, I stole that from Ivanka and took it here and now you’re wearing it.” Somewhere, I have a picture of a very skinny, strung-out, black-eyelinered me wearing Ivanka Trump’s tank top. Ah, childhood.

Ever since then, I’ve felt a kinship with Ivanka. We shared a tank top, after all. So I’m delighted to hear that she’s maybe kinda-sorta marrying Jared Kushner, fellow heir and NYC wunderkind. Why the maybe-kinda-sorta? Because Ivanka’s not a member of the tribe, and Jared’s mother will not have her son marrying a non-Jew. (He even broke up with her for a little while because she was so upset about it.) But Ivanka’s working on the Jew thing.

“I am studying,” she said of her conversion to Judaism. She’s studying with Rabbi Haskel Lookstein at Congregation Kehilath Jeshurun. “It’s been an amazing and fulfilling experience for me … One of the jokes I first started making when Jared and I first started dating is, I’m a New Yorker, I’m in real estate. I’m as close to Jewish, with an ‘i-s-h’ naturally as anyone can start off.”

Ha. Maybe she ought to talk to Charlotte York. It worked out so well for her.