After first canceling a shitload of U.S. dates due to “vertigo,” Janet Jackson has now postponed the Japan leg of her Rock Witchu tour, citing “the impact of economic crisis.”

This is the most non-euphemistic euphemism I can think of to say “no one was buying tickets.” I mean, seriously, Janet, next time, just blame sushi.

Janet Jackson has finally stopped the bleeding and cancelled her pathetic Rock Witchu tour.  Apparently there have been some…um…scheduling conflicts.  Or empty arenas.  Whatever.  Previously cancelled dates are not being rescheduled and ticket holders will be refunded.

Damn, things are not looking good for the Janet Jackson Rock Witchu tour.

LL Cool J has ditched out as the tour’s opening act, citing “scheduling conflicts.” It’s probably also related to the fact that Janet keeps canceling shows. She’s only got two left at this point, anyway.

What a total disaster.

After canceling nine shows as the result of vertigo (???), Janet Jackson will supposedly be back in action on Wednesday night in DC.

“After a thorough medical evaluation, it has been confirmed that Janet’s symptoms are being caused by a rare form of migraine called vestibular migraine or migraine-associated vertigo for which she is currently receiving treatment,” read a statement released by Jackson’s camp.

“Janet wanted very much to resume her tour so as not to disappoint her fans, but she continued to suffer from vertigo and could not perform,” her manager, Kenneth Crear, said. “She’s a world-class entertainer and needs to be at the top of her game to give her fans the show they expect. She’s feeling much better and is ready to hit the road again to finish the tour.”

This all sounds very strange to me.

Does anyone know anything about migraine-associated vertigo?

Or is it special Hollywood code for “drugs”?

Janet Jackson is still having health problems.  Last night, ninety minutes before curtain time, she cancelled her Greensboro, North Carolina concert based on the advice of a doctor who said she should not perform.  She has postponed five shows in the past week.  What do you think her “unspecified illness” is?  I think she’s suffering from anxiety attacks.  Or a Frito addiction.  Equally debilitating.  Trust me.

Get well soon Janet!

I’ve been wandering around the office all day, stirring up trouble and generally being a nuisance, because, ya know, I just don’t feel like working right now. I mean, it’s a slow news day, and I just feel — off somehow. I can’t focus. Everything feels stressful and overwhelming. If my blog were a staged concert, I would totally cancel it today and tell you guys I had to go to the hospital. Unfortunately, because it is a blog, even if I were in the hospital you guys would be like “You’re so lazy! I mean, what else do you have to do? You’re in the hospital. Stop coming up with excuses not to work! Roll up your hospital gown sleeves and get to typin’!”

So I feel for Janet Jackson, who has canceled her third show this week, scheduled in Boston on Wednesday. Janet’s reps have released no explanation for why she needs to cancel shows, although they did say she was rushed to the hospital yesterday.

Get better, Janet!

Hm.

A representative for Janet Jackson says the singer has been hospitalized after falling ill shortly before a concert.

According to statement released by W&W Public Relations, the singer canceled her concert in Montreal on Monday after she “got suddenly ill” during her sound check and had to be rushed to the hospital just before show time.

The statement says Jackson is being monitored at the hospital and hopes to reschedule the show. No further information was given about Jackson’s condition.

What is with these celebrities and rushing off to the hospital every time they get sick? Like I have been really really really sick in the past, but I never go to the hospital for it. Hospitals are for, like, broken bones and bleeding things and baby births and terminal illnesses. I don’t know a single person in real life who goes to the hospital just because they don’t feel well for a day. I’ll be interested to hear what exactly what wrong with Janet — or, at least, what they say is wrong with Janet.

Okay so I wanted to make this a “Caption This,” but I just couldn’t decide which photo to use. They’re all so ill-advised. Why on Earth would she wear this outfit in public???

Here’s Janet Jackson on tour with Nelly, performing in Oakland.

Well, okay, technically, she’s launching a new line of lingerie. But it can only result in hundreds of thousands of unfunny wardrobe malfunction-related jokes made by bloggers, fashionistas and reporters the world over. Bring it on, Janet.

The line is called Pleasure Principle, and it’s expected to hit stores in November.

“People have come to me with other ideas, but lingerie is a passion for me, and just like music and acting, I can’t do it unless I put 100 percent into it,” Jackson said.

Jackson’s 14-design line of underpinnings, crafted mainly from satin and lace and heavy on feminine details, will be available in department stores and mass retailers this fall, with each piece priced at under $40.

“It makes you feel incredible and offers variety as diverse as the women who will wear it,” Jackson said of the line, named after her 1987 hit.

Lingerie is a passion for you? Who says that?

Whatever. Maybe I’m being too hard on her because I’m PMS-ing. I get anxious in the days before my period. After all, tampons are a passion for me.

Hi guys.

Sorry posting is slow today.

I have a fever. :( So mostly I’m sleeping. I haven’t had an actual fever in a really long time. I forgot how much it sucks. Your whole body tingles and it really just blows. So I’m gonna write a little bit more and then get my ass back to bed and hope this shit is gone by tomorrow.

And by “write” I mean “copy and paste from other articles.”

A federal appeals court on Monday threw out a $550,000 indecency fine against CBS Corp. for the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show that ended with Janet Jackson’s breast-baring “wardrobe malfunction.”

The three-judge panel of the 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that the Federal Communications Commission “acted arbitrarily and capriciously” in issuing the fine for the fleeting image of nudity …

The court found that the FCC deviated from its nearly 30-year practice of fining indecent broadcast programming only when it was so “pervasive as to amount to ’shock treatment’ for the audience.”

So there you go. Four-and-a-half years later. Justice is swift.

Did that cross a line?

Eh, probably.

Janet Jackson’s been hospitalized with “the flu.”

Now normally I’d be all like “Enjoy the lipo, Janet,” but after what I went through a couple of weeks ago, it no longer seems so far-fetched for one to be hospitalized with the flu.

“Janet is fine. She’s just battling this flu like everyone else,” says her rep.

Meanwhile, Janet’s latest album, Discipline, is #1 on the Billboard charts.

Congrats, Janet!