The ESPY awards were held today at the Kodak Theater. I don’t know who won. I don’t know who was nominated. I don’t even know what types of awards are given, but I certainly hope Kendra Wilkinson’s breasts warranted at least an honorable mention. Is there an award for Most Basketball-Like Body Feature?

Danica Patrick was there, and it’s cool to get to run pictures of her, because, if you hadn’t noticed, I don’t know shit about sports, and I know less about racecar driving, but I do know that Danica Patrick has taken a man’s world by storm while still managing to look fabulous, and that’s always award-worthy in my book.

Jamie-Lynn Sigler dropped by, and I have no idea why. I’d guess she was fucking a football player or something, but I’m pretty sure she’s still with Scott Sartiano, so I don’t know why she needed to show up at this. I certainly hope it wasn’t to show off that dress, because that would have been an enormous error in judgment. Unless she can tell me whether Tony Soprano got shot in that diner, she’s of no use to me anymore.

And Maria Sharapova, because I know a lot of you like to masturbate to her.

Remember this girl? Kim Stolz is her name. She made out with that Sara chick in the limo? And she was such a bitch to my adorable Lisa D’Amato. Oh, Kim, how fun of you to resurface!

Kim showed up at the Sundance Channel’s launch party for “Live from Abbey Road.” She’s not actually in the program, and she’s not actually, you know, famous, so I have no idea what she’s doing there or how she got an invite. But you gotta give the girl props for trying. She’s in good company, as Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Ben Harper and Aaron Eckhart also showed up.

“There was no creative process at all. It was a very packaged thing, and people were wanting to capitalize on ‘The Sopranos.’ I take responsibility – I was part of it – but I hated every moment of it. I was faking it the whole time.”

Jamie-Lynn Sigler, on the crappiness of her 2001 album, Here to Heaven.