Ivana Trump reminds us all why, well into her 60s, she gets to marry a 35-year-old hottie and you don’t.

This is such bullshit. Her tits are perkier than mine! But I have a bona fide 25-year-old vagina and I’m still single.

How long until Barron Trump turns 18? Or I’d even take one of those little Hilton boys. Whatever. I’m officially bitter.

We’ve known forever that the original Mrs. Trump was going to get engaged to her longtime boyfriend, Rossano Rubicondi, but the two formally announced it on Monday night.

See, this is the way to live. I want the freaking AP photo service to be there when I announce my engagement. Because then I will know I am important.

Her kids, Donald Jr. and Ivanka, were there to celebrate with her. No sign of The Donald.

The New York Post is reporting that the 58-year-old mother of Ivanka and Donald Jr. is wearing a “ginormous” pink diamond reportedly given to her by her 35-year-old beau, Rossano Rubicondi, who, as best I can tell, is some sort of Z-list actor/model, but feel free to correct me on that. She’s reportedly begun referring to him as her “fiance.” Her rep confirmed the story, stating that “it will be officially announced when she returns from the Mediterranean.”

When asked what he knew about the story, her son, Donald Trump Jr., responded, “You probably know as much as I do.”

Meanwhile, The Donald’s out finding trouble of his own. Responding the recent Lohanigans, Donald offered the following (unsolicited) advice to the struggling starlet:

“Find what you love doing (other than drugs and alcohol), work hard, stay focused, get a new set of parents!”

Lindsay’s mother, Dina Lohan, whose attention really needs to be focused on battling Donald Trump in the press right now, shot back with the folllowing statement:

“Donald, I’m really disappointed in the statement that was brought to my attention from The New York Post. I’ve always had a great admiration for your business sense and I’ve read all your books and learned from them! Your own brother died of alcoholism and you own Trump Vodka? You say Lindsay needs new parents? Such a rash statement without backing it with fact? I am a single mother of four children doing what I can during this difficult time! Do a background check of both parents and you will find the truth! Shame on you… so many families suffer from this, yours included. We need solutions not opinions! – Dina and family”