Clubgoers at Las Vegas nightclub Enclave reported that a plastered Brooke Hogan showed up last night in what one guy described as “an utter state of hot drunkenness,” which is also now my knew favorite way to describe that phase of consciousness. At about two in the morning she hopped up on stage and stumbled all over herself to give an impromptu performance that included slurred lyrics and terrible, clumsy dancing, which is actually no different from any other Brooke Hogan performance.

So, she embarrassed herself– again, how is that any different from a normal Brooke Hogan musical performance– but she’s 21, so there wasn’t anything illegal about it.  I just hope for the sake of her daddy that she’s not going to start down the Lohan expressway to nowhere. Judging from the premature aging in the picture above (Brooke is on the right) she’s been putting some things in her system on a regular basis that aren’t good for her.

That whole family should probably go to rehab together.  Last week on the Joy Behar show, The Hulk talked about popping a few Xanax, staring at a bottle of booze with a gun in his hand, and contemplating suicide after his wife filed for divorce. He also commented that he could “understand” where O.J. Simpson was “coming from” and thought about “turning everything into a crime scene” and “slitting everybody’s throats.”

Hulk Hogan and his girlfriend, Jennifer McDaniel, made an appearance at Brooke’s 21st birthday in Las Vegas hotspot Pure last night. I have so much trouble believing that Brooke is only 21 years old. I feel like this girl has lived four lifetimes already, only two of which she’s spent ratting out her mother’s drug habit to the press. Linda Hogan was, of course, not there, unless she and her boyfriend are hiding in Jennifer’s breast implants. Actually, that’s unlikely, because those implants look like they’re older than Linda’s boyfriend.

And Brooke? Lay off the spray-tan, sweetie. Your father should not be your barometer for an appropriate face color.

I have a Hulk Hogan story.  You won’t be impressed.  He once bumped into my mother at O’Hare airport while he was eating a chili dog.  The end.

A more impressive story?  According to a new Rolling Stone article, Hulk Hogan totally relates to spousicide.  It all started when Hulk’s wife Linda started doing “some shaggy-haired pool boy 30 years her junior.”   The demise of his marriage gave Hogan a whole new level of sympathy for O.J.:  “I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody’s throat.  You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can’t go to anymore, you’re driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife … I totally understand OJ. I get it.”

I’ve been through a divorce and a few ugly break-ups but I’ve never wanted to open somebody’s neck over it.  As a matter of fact, with the exception of Mischa Barton, I’ve never wanted anyone dead.  And I don’t really even want Mischa dead…maimed or retired perhaps, but not dead.

Anyway, note to LAPD:  If Linda Hogan ends up in a pool of blood and there is chili dog residue at the scene, you know who to call.

So I was reading about how Linda Bollea, soon to be ex of Hulk Hogan, is broke.  My initial thoughts were that Hulk’s conduct is horrible in this whole matter.  I mean, the average every day person would have to live a very modest lifestyle to exist on the $40,000 a year he’s paying her.  I couldn’t survive on that.  How is a celebrity with so many financial responsibilities supposed to?  House expenses, wardrobe, cars, surgeries…heh.  There is no way a household like that can be supported on such a small amount.  Not to mention that she was there back when he was just Terry Bollea.  Before all the fame and money.  And now his lawyer wants her to account for every penny she’s spent?  You know Hulk Hogan could be paying her so much more.  40K a year is nothing! 

And then I got all Paris Hilton with my reading skills and saw…she gets $40,000 a month???  Oh fuck you Linda.  Buy some Easy Mac, sell something on Ebay and deal until this months’ check arrives.

All together now:

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

Hulk Hogan and his new girlfriend, Jennifer McDaniel, were spotted splashing around in Miami this weekend. The two have reportedly been dating since around January.

“He’s very happy,” says a source. “He just seems very happy. His mood has changed. He’s in a better place.”

His mood has changed? Hell, his entire color has changed. Seriously, he is darker than Barack Obama right now. Somewhere at Hillary’s campaign headquarters, they’re sitting around trying to figure out how they can use Hulk Hogan to help get the black vote.

And I don’t know much about Jennifer, but I’ll tell you what I do know: This is the kind of chick who should never leave the house without make-up.

Man, you know, it kind of sucks to be sick and stuck in bed on your birthday. But I’ve had all day to lie around the house and think about the things I’m grateful for. I’m grateful that I can drink Gatorade and it stays down now. I’m grateful I have two parents who are doting on me while I’m sick. I’m grateful that I have a ton of friends who called to wish me a happy birthday, and I’m grateful for all your readers who left well wishes in the comments. I’m grateful that I have an otherwise healthy body that I know will recover fine from this evil food poisoning. And, most importantly, I’m grateful that I’m not a Hogan or a Graziano.

The family of John Graziano — the kid who was severely injured, and remains in critical condition, after an August 26 street-racing accident — has filed suit against the Hogan family: specifically, Linda, Terry and son Nick. You can check out all the legal docs here, but basically they’re alleging that both parents knew of Nick’s tendency to drive recklessly, and they didn’t help matters by allowing him to get his car all souped up. They’re also filing suit against the driver of the other car in the accident, Daniel Jacobs, who was apparently driving a vehicle lent to him by the Hogan family. Oh, and they’re also charging that Terry Bollea (aka Hulk Hogan) purchased alcohol for the underage kids prior to the accident.

Dayum.

This is all so sad, for everybody involved.

Things just keep getting worse for that Hogan family. Remember when they all seemed so happy and familial and perfect on TV? Things are never what they seem, my friends.

A 33-year-old pal of Brooke Hogan’s, Christiane Plant, has spilled the beans to the National Enquirer about an affair she had last year — before the divorce — with Papa Hulk. Says Christiane: “My relationship with Terry [Hulk Hogan] began at a time when Terry and Linda privately knew their marriage was ending. She had left him already, although no official papers had been filed. Terry is a good man, good father and a good friend, and he and I grew close at a time when he was going through a very difficult period. It seemed right then, but I know it was wrong … Having felt the guilt and pain build up, I gave a note to Brooke apologizing for my actions. I will never be able to fully forgive myself for this. I have lost an amazing friend.”

What a fucking hooker! Jesus, Christiane, if a little note didn’t help to patch things up between you and Brooke, I’m sure airing her family’s dirty laundry to the National Enquirer did the trick.

In response, Brooke posted the following on her MySpace blog, but later deleted it:

Saturday, February 23, 2008

i never thought…

Current mood: sad
Category: Life

When your best friend and one of your closest family members that you have loved unconditionally since your first day on this earth, betrays you together, you could MAYBE find it in yourself to forgive one day… but you will NEVER forget the hurt they caused you and how it hurt the people who mean the most to you…its the worst feeling in the world to be betrayed. And worse to know you can never trust the one you should be able to…

Aw, Brooke. I actually feel bad for you, sweetie. So bad that, for the first time in this history of this blog, I’m running a photo of you without disparaging your fashion sense. That’s just how I show my support.

No, I’m not talking about the fact that Hulk Hogan was spotted leaving a Beverly Hills medical clinic with his two children this afternoon, carrying little bags of medicine, although that’s certainly intriguing. (A family outbreak of pink eye? Stomach flu? Herpes?)

I am talking about the fanny pack.

Someone, please explain.

Check out Hulk Hogan on Regis & Kelly.

“I’m leaning into the wind. I’m trying to stay very, very positive. You know, I just pray that things get better for my family. As far as my son goes, we’re going to be very happy when the truth really comes out of what really (happened), instead of all the speculation and all the mentality that’s going on. As far as my divorce goes, I love my family and I love my wife to death and I just don’t know what tomorrow’s going to bring.”

- Hulk Hogan discusses his current predicament(s) with Access Hollywood

After his wife asked for half their assets in their divorce, Hulk is fighting back, saying his wife can support herself.

He also says 17-year-old son Nick is old enough to decide who he wants to live with.

He doesn’t want to pay child support OR alimony!!!

New evidence suggests that Nick Hogan/Bollea was going 100 MPH before the crash that critically injured his friend and passenger, John Graziano.

But even worse — Nick had been drinking that day, and the beer was supplied by Hulk!

A receipt from Albertson’s Liquor Store at 2:14 p.m. on the day of the accident for $78 of beer and ice. A clerk, June Hoopingarer, said Hulk Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea, bought the beer and was accompanied by his son and several other young men … The report says [Nick] Bollea and his friends spent the day of the accident on a boat with [Hulk] Hogan. [Nick] Bollea’s friends, who are all at least 21 years old, were drinking beer. No one reported seeing Bollea drinking alcohol, although it was found in his system after the crash.

Nick is only 17 years old!

I’m no legal expert, but if he was drinking, and his father bought the beer, could his father be held legally accountable for the consequences of his drinking and driving?

Could father and son go to jail???