All together now:

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

Hulk Hogan and his new girlfriend, Jennifer McDaniel, were spotted splashing around in Miami this weekend. The two have reportedly been dating since around January.

“He’s very happy,” says a source. “He just seems very happy. His mood has changed. He’s in a better place.”

His mood has changed? Hell, his entire color has changed. Seriously, he is darker than Barack Obama right now. Somewhere at Hillary’s campaign headquarters, they’re sitting around trying to figure out how they can use Hulk Hogan to help get the black vote.

And I don’t know much about Jennifer, but I’ll tell you what I do know: This is the kind of chick who should never leave the house without make-up.

Man, you know, it kind of sucks to be sick and stuck in bed on your birthday. But I’ve had all day to lie around the house and think about the things I’m grateful for. I’m grateful that I can drink Gatorade and it stays down now. I’m grateful I have two parents who are doting on me while I’m sick. I’m grateful that I have a ton of friends who called to wish me a happy birthday, and I’m grateful for all your readers who left well wishes in the comments. I’m grateful that I have an otherwise healthy body that I know will recover fine from this evil food poisoning. And, most importantly, I’m grateful that I’m not a Hogan or a Graziano.

The family of John Graziano — the kid who was severely injured, and remains in critical condition, after an August 26 street-racing accident — has filed suit against the Hogan family: specifically, Linda, Terry and son Nick. You can check out all the legal docs here, but basically they’re alleging that both parents knew of Nick’s tendency to drive recklessly, and they didn’t help matters by allowing him to get his car all souped up. They’re also filing suit against the driver of the other car in the accident, Daniel Jacobs, who was apparently driving a vehicle lent to him by the Hogan family. Oh, and they’re also charging that Terry Bollea (aka Hulk Hogan) purchased alcohol for the underage kids prior to the accident.

Dayum.

This is all so sad, for everybody involved.

Things just keep getting worse for that Hogan family. Remember when they all seemed so happy and familial and perfect on TV? Things are never what they seem, my friends.

A 33-year-old pal of Brooke Hogan’s, Christiane Plant, has spilled the beans to the National Enquirer about an affair she had last year — before the divorce — with Papa Hulk. Says Christiane: “My relationship with Terry [Hulk Hogan] began at a time when Terry and Linda privately knew their marriage was ending. She had left him already, although no official papers had been filed. Terry is a good man, good father and a good friend, and he and I grew close at a time when he was going through a very difficult period. It seemed right then, but I know it was wrong … Having felt the guilt and pain build up, I gave a note to Brooke apologizing for my actions. I will never be able to fully forgive myself for this. I have lost an amazing friend.”

What a fucking hooker! Jesus, Christiane, if a little note didn’t help to patch things up between you and Brooke, I’m sure airing her family’s dirty laundry to the National Enquirer did the trick.

In response, Brooke posted the following on her MySpace blog, but later deleted it:

Saturday, February 23, 2008

i never thought…

Current mood: sad
Category: Life

When your best friend and one of your closest family members that you have loved unconditionally since your first day on this earth, betrays you together, you could MAYBE find it in yourself to forgive one day… but you will NEVER forget the hurt they caused you and how it hurt the people who mean the most to you…its the worst feeling in the world to be betrayed. And worse to know you can never trust the one you should be able to…

Aw, Brooke. I actually feel bad for you, sweetie. So bad that, for the first time in this history of this blog, I’m running a photo of you without disparaging your fashion sense. That’s just how I show my support.

No, I’m not talking about the fact that Hulk Hogan was spotted leaving a Beverly Hills medical clinic with his two children this afternoon, carrying little bags of medicine, although that’s certainly intriguing. (A family outbreak of pink eye? Stomach flu? Herpes?)

I am talking about the fanny pack.

Someone, please explain.

Check out Hulk Hogan on Regis & Kelly.

“I’m leaning into the wind. I’m trying to stay very, very positive. You know, I just pray that things get better for my family. As far as my son goes, we’re going to be very happy when the truth really comes out of what really (happened), instead of all the speculation and all the mentality that’s going on. As far as my divorce goes, I love my family and I love my wife to death and I just don’t know what tomorrow’s going to bring.”

- Hulk Hogan discusses his current predicament(s) with Access Hollywood

After his wife asked for half their assets in their divorce, Hulk is fighting back, saying his wife can support herself.

He also says 17-year-old son Nick is old enough to decide who he wants to live with.

He doesn’t want to pay child support OR alimony!!!

New evidence suggests that Nick Hogan/Bollea was going 100 MPH before the crash that critically injured his friend and passenger, John Graziano.

But even worse — Nick had been drinking that day, and the beer was supplied by Hulk!

A receipt from Albertson’s Liquor Store at 2:14 p.m. on the day of the accident for $78 of beer and ice. A clerk, June Hoopingarer, said Hulk Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea, bought the beer and was accompanied by his son and several other young men … The report says [Nick] Bollea and his friends spent the day of the accident on a boat with [Hulk] Hogan. [Nick] Bollea’s friends, who are all at least 21 years old, were drinking beer. No one reported seeing Bollea drinking alcohol, although it was found in his system after the crash.

Nick is only 17 years old!

I’m no legal expert, but if he was drinking, and his father bought the beer, could his father be held legally accountable for the consequences of his drinking and driving?

Could father and son go to jail???