A very interesting interview with Holly Madison in the print edition of InTouch this week, which the kids at Celebitchy have so kindly transcribed for me to copy.

Was Hef mad at you for revealing you had split?
I think he’s upset. There were a lot of people – not just Hef – who wanted me to pretend we were still together for the sake of the show. I tried to do that for a few weeks, but I couldn’t live like that.

Did you really love him?
I devoted 100 percent of myself to Hef the whole time we were together.

Were you trying to get pregnant?
We tried for me to get pregnant by in vitro fertilization, because it wasn’t going to happen the old fashioned way.

Did you have any success with the fertility treatments?
When the IVF didn’t work out after months of giving myself injections every day and feeling horrible, the clinic informed me it wasn’t possible because he was too old. I feel they were just after my money because they knew there was a 99-percent chance it was impossible.

Holly also weighed in on the new girls in the mansion:

Hef has moved on.
Yeah, Hef’s always looking for younger women. I’m 28 years old and I feel like I need something more in life, so that’s probably why he’s with some really young girls. They’re just looking to have fun, I guess.

How do you feel about being replaced so quickly?
I worry about Hef. He’s vulnerable emotionally and I worry about girls taking advantage.

Dude, if Holly’s telling the truth, that means Hef actually was willing to let her have his baby … which is total insanity. I kind of don’t believe Hef would be involved in something like that.

Anyway, I do have a soft spot in my heart for Holly, and I hope there’s a happy ending to her story.

She hasn’t accepted my MySpace friend request yet, so this is all I can see of Kristina Shannon’s profile for now.

We need to talk about this, because it’s blowing my mind.

Here is her screen name:

Kristina TALK ABOUT GREATNESS WENEVER THEY SPEAK ABOUT ME!!! DNT DOUBT URSELF TRUS ME U NEED ME!

What’s with all the missing letters?

Namely, what’s with the missing “H” in “WHENEVER”? I have all these theories. One, of course, is that she doesn’t know how to spell “whenever.” Is that a possibility at the age of 19, barring actual mental retardation? I don’t know. The second is that she ran out of space in the MySpace last-name field and had to remove some letters, hence the missing “T” in “TRUST,” because nobody actually thinks “trust” ends in an “s,” right? Okay. But if that were the case, why not remove one or two of those exclamation points to free up some space to spell words correctly?

Then I did something I am not proud of.

I used Microsoft Word to count the characters in her display name. There are 96 characters, including spaces. Next, I maxed out the characters in my own display name by entering a bunch of the letter ‘m.’ Once it was maxed out, I copy-pasted to Word and counted those characters. There are 50. So now I’m all upset that Kristina Fucking Shannon gets to have 96 letters in her display name and I’m only allowed 50.

What the fuck is up with that?

I also love that MySpace is begging me to join JDate. Like, who are you, my grandpa? Leave me alone! I am SO TIRED of Jew-boys! I’m gonna change my profile to say that I’m gay and Mormon. What kind of ads do you think I’d get then?

Oh, yay!!!

TMZ dug up some dirt on Karissa and Kristina Shannon, Hef’s newest squeezes.

Karissa (left) and Kristina Shannon (right) — who have recently moved into the Playboy Mansion — were both busted by St. Petersburg, Fla. police for felony aggravated battery back in January. They both received probation and were ordered to pay restitution to the two victims.

Karissa also has a misdemeanor battery charge on her record from 2007. Atta girl!

Playboy had no comment.

WTF???

I want more back story here. Who the hell did they beat up? And why? This could make for some very interesting television, indeed. I bet Holly’s having a good laugh over this shit.

Also, let’s do a brief before/after comparison of the girls with this photo taken this month:

Can you say chin implant?

I’m just going to copy/paste this whole article, because it’s all awesomeness:

It’s really over.

Hugh Hefner confirms he and Holly Madison are no longer.

“If she says it’s over, it’s over,” Hefner tells me. “But like I’ve said before, she is the love of my life, and I expected to spend the rest of my life with her.”

The Playboy mogul says the relationship started to crumble about six months ago when they learned he was unable to father a child with Holly.

“With my sperm count, it’s not possible,” Hefner explained. “I was willing but it was not possible … She’d like to be married and have children, but it’s not in the cards here for me.”

Where does that leave the other two Girls Next Door, Kendra Wilkinson and Bridget Marquardt?

Hefner says they’re still romantically involved, but admitted, “the relationship with Kendra will be ending when she moves out, probably by the end of this year.”

Hef ain’t wasting anytime getting back in the saddle though.

In the last week, he’s been spotted with 19-year-old twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon (pictured above). “They very much want to be girlfriends and now under the present circumstance, they probably will become my girlfriends,” Hefner says.

And they’re not all he has to look forward to.

A college senior from Georgia whom Hefner identifies as Amy Leigh Andrews is also waiting in the wings. “She was testing here this past weekend,” Hef says of the centerfold wannabe, “and she said she’d like to be a girlfriend, too.”

The 82-year-old Hefner laughed, “I’m dancing as fast as I can.”

Oooh, a whole new group of Girls Next Door!

This is so totally like SBTB: The New Class. Except with way more sister-on-sister action.

I’m actually really sad about Hef and Holly. I think they honestly were in love, and it’s too bad Hef never thought to freeze his damn spermies.

Well, sorta …

From her MySpace blog, just posted today:

What’s Going on . . . .
Current mood: lonely

Hef and I care about each other immensely and will always be best friends . . . I do have my own place, but I am still at the Mansion, too, right now . . . I’m too busy to move even if I wanted to! hahaha . . . Bridget, Kendra and I are all still best friends and plan on doing several projects together in the future . . . even though Bridget is in Europe right now and I am sad and lonely without her . . .

You will see how it all happens in Season 5 . . . Sunday nights on E! . . . How lame, I just turned that into the most shameless plug ever . . . lol!

Love-Holly

But her status is still listed as “In a Relationship.” An oversight? Or is there some truth to all those Criss Angel rumors? Hmm …

Also: Are all the girls breaking up with Hef? If not, who’s the main girlfriend now??? Bridget??? Kendra??? Someone new entirely? Oooh, I simply MUST know!

Looks like they’re officially OVER.

Holly confirmed to TMZ’s cameras last night that she got her own condo, and that she and Hef are no longer together.

It’s not that this is a huge surprise, but still.

If Hef and Holly can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us???

Hey, remember back when Hugh Hefner wouldn’t let his girlfriends travel anywhere for more than a full day if he wasn’t with them? Like, they had to be by his side at all times. He ruled his harem with an iron fist, even if his penis wasn’t exactly as … er … hardcore.

Well, here’s Kendra Wilkinson (and some other Playmate) judging some two-bit bikini contest in the Bahamas on Saturday. And Saturday night? Was the Leather & Lace party at the mansion. The media-friendly Leather & Lace party. Which Kendra did not attend. Also conspicuously missing from Saturday night’s party? Bridget Marquardt.

Only Holly was there, reppin’ Team Golddigger.

Just a year or two ago, Hef never would have let this happen.

The times, they are a-changin’.

Oh and there are boobie close-ups in the thumbnails, because I love my hetero male readers, too.