Oooh, Hef is gonna be PISSED.

I can’t believe he didn’t make her sign some contract forbidding her from talking to the press about this shit.

Kendra Wilkinson has opened up to Us Weekly about her relationship with Hugh Hefner … and how she cheated!!

“I had to have sex every now and then, so I had to kind of sneak it,” she said, noting that Bridget and Kendra stayed faithful to Hef. “I was like ‘How the hell can you do that?’ I had to have [sex] so I could feel my age, like a healthy human being.”

She also says she didn’t spend a lot of time with Hef. “Besides the nights we went out, I only saw Hef, like, once a day walking through the halls to his office — there were never solo dates … The most we kind of say to each other is, ‘I love you,’ ‘Love you too,’ ‘I hope you have a good day,’ ‘Did you have a good day?’”

Kendra also bitched about Hef’s notoriously controlling ways, saying it was “way more strict than my life has ever been” and that it drove her “insane” that staff members would keep track of the girlfriends whenever they left the Mansion. In fact, staff would note the times they left and returned to the mansion in a book, and Hef would review it each morning. And they weren’t allowed to spend the holidays away from the Mansion. And the paycheck? An allowance of $1,000 a week. I kind of have trouble believing that. Shit, their hair extensions alone had to be like $3K a month in maintenance. And the wardrobes?! Those girls were definitely spending more than a grand a month.

Kendra said, “I hate putting my hand out, but we couldn’t have jobs other than getting appearance fees. Hef was kind of like my best friend, but a sugar daddy at the same time … Hef made me feel beautiful. Now I’m totally against [Hefner's] way of life, with three girlfriends and all of that.”

Wow, I love that she’s talking so openly about this. Hopefully in the coming months there will be WAY more dirt from her about what life was like inside the mansion. Someone better hire a good ghostwriter and get this chick to do a book. I would buy it in a heartbeat!!!

In addition to The Shannon Twins, Hugh Hefner’s Pussy Squad has added Crystal Harris, a 22-year-old student at San Diego State University.

Crystal introduced herself on an E! online message board over the holidays, telling fans that “Hef gave me permission to fill people in on the new updates as a voice from the mansion.”

No other girlfriends are in the mix at this time, she says, but “there are a couple that we have interest in. … As for now, it is just us three.”

I love it. “A couple that we have interest in.” It’s like rush. They make them all do the Playboy Cheer and then vote by secret ballot or some shit.

Crystal’s never been in the magazine, but she did appear in a series of topless and semi-nude photos as a Co-ed of the Week on Playboy.com in late October under the name “Crystal Carter.”

Her MySpace page is here.

Does anyone else find it a little pathetic that this is Hugh Hefner’s Christmas card? I mean, the guy’s 82 years old, and his “family” is Karissa and Kristina Shannon, the twins he’s now calling his girlfriends. The Playboy empire is crumbling, and here’s this octogenarian posing with half-naked twins young enough to be his great-granddaughters. I know we’re supposed to be all like, “Hells yeah!!! Hugh Hefner’s gonna die getting head from 21-year-old felons! ROCK ON!” but somehow this all just strikes me as very sad.

I mean, we get it, Mr. Hefner. You can still get barely legal chicks to get into bed with you. Bravo, dude. Seriously, though, you’ve made your point. Now’s the time to make it clear to the world that, beneath those silk pajamas, you spent many years being a shrewd and meticulous businessman, and you’ve been a quiet champion of a great many social causes and charities. There’s a lot to respect about you, Mr. Hefner. Isn’t it time to cut the womanizing shit out?

“Is it just me or is Jennifer Aniston getting hotter?”

Hugh Hefner, when Extra interviewed him and showed him a copy of Jennifer Aniston’s GQ cover.

Fuck. Yes. She. Is.

Jennifer Aniston is single-handedly showing the world than women can get sexier with age. If Hugh Hefner says it, it must be true!!!

Oh, and he also talked to Extra about the Holly split, saying “I was blindsided by the breakup … But Holly was looking for something more that I couldn’t give her. She was looking for marriage and children … Within two weeks, a pair of twins arrived and turned out they were interested in being my girlfriends … Several girlfriends are easier to handle than one wife.”

That Mr. Hefner. He’s so, so wise.

Kendra Wilkinson’s engagement to Hank Baskett III, while reportedly endorsed by the Playboy mansion, seems to be, in actuality, quite a nightmare for everyone involved.

According to Ted Casablanca:

As you probably were aware, plans were already majorly in the works, with Hugh Hefner’s blessing, not to mention participation, for Kendra to leave GND for her own show. “It was supposed to be Kendra, sexy and single, out of the mansion, on her own,” said a source close to the deal.

But here’s what’s gone down:

Kendra’s engagement to Hank “caught Hef way off guard,” reveals the Girls Next Door type, who insists H2 was most displeased at the rush to the altar.

“All that you see now, with Hugh saying he’s going to give the bride away, that the wedding’s going to be at the mansion, it’s bull****,” piped the close Kendra chum, who believes Playboy’s put-on-the-spot positive spin won’t really come to pass. Only time and (call me jaded) potential ratings will tell.

Sources inside Wilkinson’s camp do not blame Kendra, they blame Hank: “[Baskett] completely jumped the gun,” insists a Wilkinson colleague. “He showed up with a camera crew and proposed to Kendra on top of the Space Needle; of course Kendra said yes, she’s absolutely thrilled!” (As you can see in the exclusive-to-the-Awful-Truth snap above.)

But not Hef. Nor are the folks who are trying to turn Kendra into the next viable Pam Anderson type, only without the sex tapes.

OMG.

Did anyone think that girl would make it thirty seconds without landing directly on top of a football player? Pretty much every single episode of GND consisted of Kendra finding a veiled way to say “I cannot wait until this shit is over and I can fuck football players.” I’m sorry, but this is not a shock to me.

All six puppies are now in one giant wrestling match. They are squealing and growling and rolling all over each other.

I may just spend the remainder of the day liveblogging puppy cam. Sorry if you wanted celebrity gossip. Celebrity gossip isn’t going anywhere, kids. But the puppies are here now.

Kendra Wilkinson is, in fact, engaged to Hank Baskett Jr., according to a statement from none other than … Hugh Hefner????

“I have given her my blessing and will be giving her away at a very special wedding ceremony at the Playboy Mansion this coming June,” Hefner said.

What. The. Fuck?

This whole business makes it seem like Kendra and Hef were never really in love in the first place!

My world is spinning, I tell you. Spinning like Hugh Hefner’s bed. I feel so betrayed.

You know, I was hanging out with one of my old-time druggie pals back in LA, and he was all like, “You know, sometimes, when I used to smoke crack — like, good crack — I’d have an orgasm. I’d just jizz all over myself, sitting there smoking crack. Without touching myself or anything. So now, porn is a trigger for me. I can’t watch porn because it makes me think of crack.” And I was like, “Woah, dude. That’s intense.”

I’ve never had that experience with anything before, but I think that as soon as one of these girls writes a heartfelt tell-all about the shit that went down behind the scenes with all this, I will just orgasm while reading it. No touching or anything. I’ll just have a full-blown orgasm, reading Beneath the Bunny: The Holly Madison Memoirs or whatever she decides to call it.

Hugh Hefner hits the town last night with his latest girlfriends.