Hugh Hefner is old and starting to sound really old.  He admitted at a recent Playmate of the Year part that was held at the manse, that he can’t keep his twins straight.

Karissa and Kristina Shannon are identical twins, save one little mark on one of their necks.  Heck, he couldn’t even see the departure of the original three girls next door, how is he expected to notice something as small as a beauty mark?

Hef also talked about who he would want to portray him in a movie — Robert Downey Jr. — and Kendra’s impending arrival.  “Kendra is going to be a good mommy, she’s growing up and Hank is going to be a very good influence on her. They are an ideal couple.  I’m sure the baby will end up at the Mansion. We do have (lots of little bunnies). We have a lot of friends and second generation Playmates, so there are a lot of kids around the Mansion these days.”

“The notion that I would want her back as a girlfriend is bizarre. I am now in one of the best relationships in memory with Crystal Harris and the twins. I’m not going to screw it up with former girlfriends. I would not trade Crystal Harris for anybody in the else in the world. And then this thing comes out and today is Crystal’s birthday … It’s ridiculous.”

Hugh Hefner, on the rumors that he wants Holly Madison back.

Listen up, Hef: When you talk about your girlfriend and “the twins,” and you’re referring not to her breasts but to your other teenage girlfriends, there’s a problem. Right there I can spot a problem.

Also, at 83 years old, you can stop with the references to “this thing” that “comes out” that everyone finds “ridiculous.” We all know what you’re talking about. Can’t you give the girl a rest on her birthday?

Hugh Hefner continues to wax philosophical about the Girls Next Door.  For real, I don’t think the twins are working out too well for him since his attention still seem so focused on Kendra, Bridget and Holly.  I’m totally over that show, why isn’t he?

In a People interview, Hef says that rebounds are the way to go and marriage, for all intents and purposes, sucks.

About Holly: My conviction has always been, being an romantic, that the best solution for a failed romance is a new romance.

About Bridget: The major problem for her, quite frankly, is that she’s not here a lot. She’s got this wonderful dream job for the Travel Channel (Bridget’s Sexiest Beaches), she’s wandering the globe. We’ll see how that plays out, whether she’s really contemplating making this more serious.

About Kendra: I’ve been very lucky in romance, but not expert in marriage (two divorces).  They are two separate things. What happens traditionally in a marriage is, of course, a marriage turns into parenthood and the affection is kind of transferred to the children. She picked very well, I think he adores her, I think she really loves him. What they have to get over is they come from very different backgrounds. If love conquers all, it’ll conquer them.

Poor Hugh!  I’m more convinced than ever that he hasn’t been taking his Ginkgo biloba for he surely would have remembered that no one cares what he thinks about the girls, their relationships or the weather, for that matter.  The end.

Well, THIS is interesting.

Hugh Hefner’s wife — yes, wife; the couple split in ‘99 but did not divorce — Kim Hefner, has been living in the gigantic house next-door to Hef’s since 1996, when the couple bought the place for $6.7M (and financed the entire amount). Kim’s been living there with her Hef babies, the youngest of whom is now heading off to college. Hef has apparently decided that she no longer needs such a gigantic home, and he’s listed it for around $30M. A tidy profit, if it sells at that amount!

I can’t imagine Hef is very excited to part with the house next to the mansion. And I can’t imagine Kim is pleased about it, either. The economy is affecting EVERYONE.

2008 Playmate Of The Year Jayde Nicole has started a cancer charity, Lengths of Love, where playmates donate their hair in an effort to raise cancer awareness.  What the hell was wrong with Locks of Love?  Anyway, Nicole’s claws were out as she explained why Hef’s twin twits can’t participate in the charity:

“The twins (Hef’s new girlfriends) can’t actually donate their hair, the hair used has to be healthy enough to be retreated and not too over-processed,” Nicole told Tarts. “So we’re doing lots of fundraisers and events as well that everyone (including her PMOY predecessor Sara Jean Underwood, Hef’s former flame Holly Madison and his current number one Crystal Harris) can be involved with. Hef is supporting it too; he’s a huge fan of charities.”

I sat.  I read this.  I had only one thought:  “Wait-Is there any playmate who has healthy, not over-processed hair?”

My Fave. Z-lister. Evah, Ranae Shrider, attended the Mardi Gras party at the Playboy mansion, and posted a bunch of pics of Hef with his new girlfriends on her Facebook page. Man, the twins sure do look bored and stoned. And the third girl just looks like she’s been rode hard and put away wet.

I also included some pics of Ranae as a thank you. She’s always had a rockin’ bod, but her new face looks damn good! Thank GOD someone in LA found a decent plastic surgeon.

You see those downcast eyes? Despite being surrounded by his favorite food - silicone injected blonde - Hugh Hefner is crying on the inside. 

I bet he could use a dose of Kendra Horse Laugh right about now.