Kendra Wilkinson posted a picture of her very pregnant self on her blog.  Why do people insist on torturing their animals by putting them in Santa apparel?  In human terms, I guess it’s similar to those folks who Scotch tape a bow on their bald-skulled babies.

Anyway, according to Kendra, her dogs Rascal and Martini are dressed as Mr. and Mrs. Claws.  Groan.  Wimper.  Seriously.

I wonder if Kendra used to be a hooker.  Some ex-Hollywood madam named Michelle Braun — she jokingly referred to herself as “like Jesus, only prettier” — recently decided to flirt with the completely obvious and announce that many of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends and Playmates were actually high-paid escorts.  HH is one hot piece of ass and I find it hard to believe that he didn’t land these 20 year olds with his own salty charm.

If Wilkinson was once a call girl however, she should be nervous.  Braun hasn’t officially named names yet, but said of one unattached television personality “If I dropped his name to Page Six, I certainly wouldn’t be his Idol.”  Well, it sure as hell isn’t Ryan Seacrest racking up charges with Dial-A-(female)Whore, so she’s clearly talking about Simon.  This pimpette isn’t exactly subtle.

Juno and Jennifer’s Body writer Diablo Cody met up with Hugh Hefner yesterday to discuss the long-talked about Brian Grazer-produced biopic about the Playboy founder yesterday, according to Hefner’s Twitter. Although meetings are held all day long in Hollywood that more often than not result in nothing, it’s notable that the Cody is considering taking on such a film. The departure from her indie-comedy/horror starts (which are departures from each other in the first place) further goes to show that there’s really no telling where Cody’s career will go. The writer herself announced this week that she’s penning a movie based on the Sweet Valley High book series and said in an interview with Rolling Stone movie critic Peter Travers that even she would be confused by her career trajectory if she was not Diablo Cody herself.

So what would you think about a Hugh Hefner biopic written by Diablo Cody? Do you think that she has the star-power to elevate this kind of flick past the TV-movie-of-the-week status that one would imagine such a movie to have, or would you prefer that she make like an ankle toy and Skip It? (Yeah, that was my half-assed attempt at a Juno-ism. Give me a break, Nell Carter. It’s 2k9.)

Hugh Hefner and his wife Kimberly Conrad (she’s an ex-Playmate, obviously) split back in 1998.  She really has been the original “girl next door” as she lived in a property adjacent to the manse where she lived with their two sons.  Now, after many years of very cordial separation, things are getting a bit ugly.  

Hef sold Kimberly’s house which prompted her to sue.  He also finally the paperwork to get officially unhitched.  With that, he had to expose his monthly earnings:

•  Salary from Playboy: $116,667
•  Social Security: $1,896
•  Dividends and interest: $121,099 
•  Rental property: $17, 058
•  Income from HMH Productions: $15,808 
•  Pensions and retirement: $413
•  Other miscellaneous income: $17,639

This is what Hef spends a month:

•  Rent (including groceries, household supplies, utilities, cell phone and email): $53,593
•  Food (approximate): $18,000
•  Entertainment: $25,000
•  College expenses for kids: $10,130
•  Health care: $3,215

Wait — $18,000 a month on food?  For what?  Bunny food is more expensive than college tuition and health care combined?  It’s not like those twin twats eat anything, anyway.  I challenge these numbers.

Other assets include about $36M in stock, $6M in a joint account and $306,000 in liquid cash.  Bottom line?  HH is worth $43M and the cheap old prune wants spousal support to be set at $20,000 a month.  $20K to his wife of two decades and mother of his children?  Cripes, he spends that much on food …

Their PR chick sent ‘em over, and some of them are pretty sexy. Except for the one Scott Baio’s in. But please check out the one of Shaq, whose right hand basically spans the length of some chick’s torso.

I was just thinking about this tonight. You know, I’m tired of people saying there’s no way to tell how big a guy’s penis is until you get his pants off. There’s pretty much a direct relationship between hand/foot size and penis size. Like, I’d say you can predict with about 95% certainty how large a guy’s penis is going to be by checking out the size of his hands. Why isn’t this more common knowledge? Why are girls always like, “It’s so unfair, they know how big our tits are, but we don’t know how big their penises are.” Yes you do. Look at his hands. Here’s my theory: The media is predominately run by men with small hands.

Hugh Hefner is old and starting to sound really old.  He admitted at a recent Playmate of the Year part that was held at the manse, that he can’t keep his twins straight.

Karissa and Kristina Shannon are identical twins, save one little mark on one of their necks.  Heck, he couldn’t even see the departure of the original three girls next door, how is he expected to notice something as small as a beauty mark?

Hef also talked about who he would want to portray him in a movie — Robert Downey Jr. — and Kendra’s impending arrival.  “Kendra is going to be a good mommy, she’s growing up and Hank is going to be a very good influence on her. They are an ideal couple.  I’m sure the baby will end up at the Mansion. We do have (lots of little bunnies). We have a lot of friends and second generation Playmates, so there are a lot of kids around the Mansion these days.”

“The notion that I would want her back as a girlfriend is bizarre. I am now in one of the best relationships in memory with Crystal Harris and the twins. I’m not going to screw it up with former girlfriends. I would not trade Crystal Harris for anybody in the else in the world. And then this thing comes out and today is Crystal’s birthday … It’s ridiculous.”

Hugh Hefner, on the rumors that he wants Holly Madison back.

Listen up, Hef: When you talk about your girlfriend and “the twins,” and you’re referring not to her breasts but to your other teenage girlfriends, there’s a problem. Right there I can spot a problem.

Also, at 83 years old, you can stop with the references to “this thing” that “comes out” that everyone finds “ridiculous.” We all know what you’re talking about. Can’t you give the girl a rest on her birthday?

Hugh Hefner continues to wax philosophical about the Girls Next Door.  For real, I don’t think the twins are working out too well for him since his attention still seem so focused on Kendra, Bridget and Holly.  I’m totally over that show, why isn’t he?

In a People interview, Hef says that rebounds are the way to go and marriage, for all intents and purposes, sucks.

About Holly: My conviction has always been, being an romantic, that the best solution for a failed romance is a new romance.

About Bridget: The major problem for her, quite frankly, is that she’s not here a lot. She’s got this wonderful dream job for the Travel Channel (Bridget’s Sexiest Beaches), she’s wandering the globe. We’ll see how that plays out, whether she’s really contemplating making this more serious.

About Kendra: I’ve been very lucky in romance, but not expert in marriage (two divorces).  They are two separate things. What happens traditionally in a marriage is, of course, a marriage turns into parenthood and the affection is kind of transferred to the children. She picked very well, I think he adores her, I think she really loves him. What they have to get over is they come from very different backgrounds. If love conquers all, it’ll conquer them.

Poor Hugh!  I’m more convinced than ever that he hasn’t been taking his Ginkgo biloba for he surely would have remembered that no one cares what he thinks about the girls, their relationships or the weather, for that matter.  The end.