While filming a scene for her new movie, The Business Of Falling In Love, Hilary Duff really showed her range. Her character, who I can only assume is adorably klutzy per standard RomCom formula, has to fall face first in the middle of an NYC sidewalk. Lucky for Hil there was a mattress to break her fall, but the pictures? The pictures are gold. It doesn’t even matter that she’s not really falling.

Stunt-casting much? The cast of Gossip Girl is heading off to college (NYU, ‘natch), and they’ll be joined by Hilary Duff, who’ll be playing Olivia Burke, a famous film star in search of the normal college experience (coughOlsentwinscough). The twist? She’s rooming with Vanessa (Jessica Szohr).

I’m sorry, I’m trying very hard to find an angle to this story that I care about, but it’s not happening. The days of GG are numbered, I’ll tell you that. I can only pray that the nauseating NYC Prep will meet a similar fate, and soon.

My boyfriend once confessed to me that the reason for that awkward, hands-on-sides, shuffle from side to side slow dance that teenage boys engage in at prom is not, in fact, due to a complete inability to dance. He revealed that the awkward two step was in fact a plot, designed as the best dancing format in which a horny teenage boy could slide his hands ever so slowly up or down on a girl’s waist in a charmingly lame pubescent attempt to cop a feel of some sidebutt or sideboob.

Those childish attempts at groping are forgivable (and even a little endearing) when perpetrated by a 16 year old on another 16 year old. However, it’s just pathetic and creepy when it’s a 65 year old man doing it to a 21 year old woman… at a press junket for the premiere of her new film, where she probably feels she can’t haul off and slap you in your skeevy face without causing a big scandal.

Chevy Chase was all over Hilary Duff at the premiere of Stay Cool during the Tribeca Film Festival this past Thursday, and no one did anything to check his lechery, including Duff– who looks like a deer caught in the headlights in some of the photos. For those of you who doubt my assertion that the picture above is a blatant attempt at sideboob groping, I have corroborating evidence. Look at this photo from the after party later that night:

There are more, and they’re worse. If you’re still not convinced, look at these photos.

I mean, Caddyshack was a good movie and all, but that doesn’t mean you can hand-rape my Duff.

No no, I’m kidding, of course. Remember, she ditched Joel Madden before he started impregnating his floozies. But we can totally see how adorable she’s going to be when she does have kids.

Hilary was filming for a her role in an upcoming episode of Law and Order: SVU to bump the episode’s ratings take some pictures of Hilary playing a mom on the show. Even my cold evil heart warms at this. Hilary seems positively maternal. I’m so excited for when she settles down and pops out babies. It’s gonna be Jen Garner levels of adorableness. And the only price Jen has to pay for being an adorable and relateable and involved mom is that she and her family are hounded everywhere they go at all times. Seriously I run the pics of Jen with Violet and Mini-Violet very very rarely, but trust me when I say the photo agencies have pics of every single minute of Jen’s day. Always. Fun life.

Seriously, though, Hil looks great here. Good for her.

“I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don’t even know who she is, so you know, uh, I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too.”

Clip 1:  Hilary Duff trying to be all badass and dismissive in response to Faye Dunaway’s statement that, in regards to the cast of the Bonnie and Clyde remake, Duff was not “a real actress.”

Clip 2:  Listen here Lizzie McGuire, I don’t know how to break this to you but, uh, you look a lot like a young Faye Dunaway-same equine features.  So Faye’s face is your future.  If you don’t believe me, watch the 1967 trailer of the original Bonnie and Clyde.

Hilary Duff has been cast in the remake of Bonnie and Clyde.  Faye Dunaway played Bonnie in the original version way back in 1967.  Upon learning of the Duffster taking over her role, she replied, “Couldn’t they at least cast a real actress?”  Oh, and I totally added the italics for emphasis, because you know that’s how she really said it.  Big talk from a chick who appeared in Dunston Checks In.

Mommie Dearest is my all-time favorite movie.  Ever.  It appears that playing this role wasn’t such a stretch for her after all.  What a bitch, huh? And no, despite what my kids may say, I didn’t use the screenplay as my blueprint for parenting.  Well, not extensively.

Hilary Duff’s not 14 anymore, and she’s not Lizzie McGuire anymore, and she’s gonna make damn sure everyone gets that memo. This photo shoot for Maxim is the latest in her efforts to get everyone to think of her as a sex object so that later she can be all like “I don’t understand why the media thinks of me as a sex object.”

Whaddya think, kids?

Would you hit it?

Thanks Rob!