“I’m honored to have Heidi’s support and I want to assure her that I never miss an episode of ‘The Hills,’ especially since the new season started.”

John McCain, in response to this.

Okay, you know what?

Mad, mad props to McCain for this.

Well-played, Mr. Senator. Well-played, indeed.

When some intrepid reporter actually used precious breath to ask Heidi Montag who she’s voting for, she responded: “I’m voting for John McCain … I’m a Republican and McCain has a lot of experience.” I guess, at that point, Spencer said something to admonish her about talking politics in interviews, and she responded, “I don’t think anyone cares who Heidi Montag votes for,” which is pretty much the smartest thing she’s ever said in her whole life.

This whole exchange raises a very important question, and I’m sure it’s on all of your minds right now: Heidi Montag is old enough to vote?

Heidi debuted her new single, “No More,” after The Hills aired on Monday night.

At first, I really liked the intro, and I was like, “Holy shit, is this thing actually going to be good?” I really wasn’t sure what I’d do with myself if it was.

Thankfully, though, once Heidi starts singing, the whole thing’s atrocious. I mean really, really bad. It’s amateurish and simplistic and the vocals are basically synthesized and the lyrics sound like they came straight from the history notebook of a heartbroken 8th-grader.

Listen for yourself here.

Just give this up, Heidi. It’s not working.

Heidi had an opportunity to talk to Us Weekly about the new fashion line she’s designing, but opted to use the time instead to bash Lauren Conrad.

“Lauren’s line is not necessarily something I would wear,” she says. “She’s trying a high-fashion thing, but it’s a little overpriced. Mine is fun and flirty for the everyday woman. Most people can’t afford $200 for one dress … When we were in school, I was the designer, and she was in, like, product development.”

When you were in school?

Heidi, you were at FIDM for, like, all of two weeks. You didn’t even make it through one semester before you quit to answer phones for Brent Bolthouse. So let’s not go bragging about that focused design education you received, okay, dear?

Also: shut the fuck up, Heidi.

She may be a fashion-school drop-out, but that’s not gonna stop Heidi Montag from releasing a fashion line. Being totally unqualified has never stopped Heidi Montag from doing anything at all.

From what I can tell, the line’s going to be a lot like Lauren’s, except totally devoid of fashion and class.

You know how I know that?

It’s being sold exclusively in Anchor Blue stores.

The collection is designed to cater to girls between the ages of 16 and 21, with pieces such as brightly colored cotton jersey dresses, graphic tees, oversize handbags, evening clutches and gold, silver and zebra print jewelry.

The line is slated to launch in Anchor Blue stores Apr. 15, with items priced between $10 and $60.

Zebra-print jewelry? Jersey dresses? Oversize handbags? I’m overwhelmed by the creativity.

I really can’t wait to see the graphic tees. I hope they have fun, creative, witty, in-your-face slogans on them. I hope they say things like “Bitch” and “Princess” and “Math Sucks” and “I Like Boys” and “College Educations Are Overrated” and all the rest of the messages we so desperately need the young women of this nation’s middle class to identify with. Oh, I hope so.

It looks like that’s the case.

In a new interview with Us Weekly, Spencer says that “Kristin made it all happen. She said to me, ‘I know this girl who’s so hot and perfect for you!’”

My God, it’s a giant plot to ruin Lauren Conrad’s life.

I still love you, Lauren!!!!

Heidi also goes on and on about how she and Spencer are having “ups and downs,” ostensibly because he “cheated” on her, although she adds that “Spencer and I may differ on what it means to cheat.” Heh. Spencer probably gave a radio interview without Heidi there or something awful like that. You know this girl cares way more about famewhoring than she does about any dude.

Oh, Heidi, this is terrible timing.

Just when I’m getting ready to lay into you good over that godawful Britney Spears duet, news broke that your stepbrother died on Thursday.

So I’d say you’re getting off easy, but something tells me there’s nothing easy about this.

Heidi’s stepbrother, a veteran of the war in Iraq, died last week in a freak accident, when he fell off an icy roof in Colorado. He’d been discharged from the Army just a month ago.

Heidi released the following statement:

“Losing my brother, at an early age is such a tragedy. I just loved him more than anything. He was just so patriotic. He really wanted to go to and help and do all that he could for his country. He felt like it was his duty. I’ll really miss him.”

My thoughts and prayers are with Heidi and her family.