Heidi Montag at the Reality Check Challenge for Global Hunger at Taco Bell in LA.

I think it’s bedtime. It’s hard to focus on the screen. That color did something strange to my eyes.

Hey, do you guys remember when I had, like, my little nervous breakdown at the beginning of this year? I mean, even before Charlie died and all that and I was just out of my head fucking crazy and going through some really rough shit and it sucked hardcore? Yeah. This is the color my hair was back then. I distinctly remember wandering into the hair salon through my haze of crazy and being like, “I want it white. I want it to have no color left.” And the poor stylist was like, “Oh, sweetie, let’s talk about some nice highlights instead,” and I was like, “Listen to me. I want my hair devoid of color. Strip it of everything,” and she begrudgingly did it, shaking her head the whole time. It turned out looking a lot like this. I don’t know why I felt this need to have my hair scream “trashy stripper” at that point in my life, but I did. It just felt necessary. Fuck, if that shit had happened a year earlier, I would’ve probably just shaved my whole damn head, but, at the time, people would have been like “Ugh, total Britney wannabe.” Anyway, in my mind, this shade of hair color will always be called Emotional Breakdown Blonde. Someone alert Clairol.

It’s weird to think that shit went down less than nine months ago. It’s mind-blowing how much my life has changed since then. How that person and that life is a distant, fading memory already. Like it all happened to someone else.

And even just today. I was so sad this afternoon — it felt scary and limitless. And then I talked to some people I didn’t expect to talk to and said some things I didn’t expect to say and did some things I didn’t expect to do and, over the course of a few hours, the way I felt changed so drastically. I’m fine now. I’m calm and I’m content and I’m grateful. I have to remember that if I just wait patiently and pay attention, God hands me everything I need. I don’t know why that always slips my mind right when I need to remember it most. Hopefully I can help some of you begin your day today with that in mind.

Here’s Heidi at The Pink Party in LA, an event to help raise money for women’s cancer research.

Also there: Lori Laughlin, a pregnant Jennifer Garner, a (hopefully!) pregnant Poppy Montgomery, Vanessa Minnillo, Brooke Burke, Natascha Henstridge and more!

Everyone’s getting their sisters in on the action!

Stephanie Pratt started showing up on The Hills last season, and it looks like Holly Montag — who’s Joe Francis’ new assistant — will be showing up THIS season. She’s started to pop up on red carpets next to Heidi.

Sisters are totally this season’s hottest accessory. They’re the new baby!

Who’s the hotter Montag sister?

Joe Francis’ new assistant?

Holly Montag, sister to Heidi.

“His last assistant quit,” said our insider. “And Joe aggressively sought out Holly to work for him.” Another source told us, “She’s running his life.” Francis – who will do battle on “Celebrity Apprentice,” and might also appear on “The Hills” this season – told us, “Holly is fantastic, probably the best assistant I have ever had.”

Man, can we please do a reality series about being Joe Francis’s assistant? Does it just involve responding to subpoenas for him all day?

Perhaps most interesting, before I found the picture above of Heidi and her sister Holly, all searches for “Holly Montag” resulted in photos of Heidi before she was well-known. And I was like — “Holy crap that girl’s had a lot of plastic surgery.” You don’t notice it as it happens slowly, but when you look back — this photo was taken in August 2006, just two years ago — you’re like “Dayum.”

Maybe in the comments section we can try to identify all the procedures she’s had.

Who directed this shit? Spencer? Probably.

There’s nothing really to say about this, except for that it’s a kind of pathetic ploy by Heidi to get some attention for her unspeakably crappy new “song,” and it’s really kind of tragic that it’s actually working.

I got to 1:39 before I had to stop watching. See if you can beat my time.

You know, every now and then, something will happen that reminds me that I’m getting more mature. Like, I’ll carry the trash bag all the way to the trash chute, instead of just setting it in the hall outside my apartment and trusting that someone else will get so sick of the smell that they’ll take it to the trash chute for me. When I tell people I’m going to the gym later this afternoon, it’s the truth. When my cats are crying because they’re hungry at 6:30 in the morning, I get out of bed and give them food, rather than grabbing the water gun off the bed stand and shooting at them until they shut up. And, in the ultimate proof that I am becoming a full-fledged adult, I no longer care about The Hills. It’s true. I don’t watch it and I don’t want to. Every now and then I get a little pang of guilt about it, but it quickly passes. I really didn’t care at all about The Hills‘ season premiere on Monday and I’m not afraid to admit it.

But here are the pictures. Because I don’t think I’ll ever get old enough that I don’t want to look at other people’s dresses.

Also: Did Heidi get her lips done recently? Yes or no?

“I think that maybe Lauren is tired of [being on the show], but we’re just beginning. We’re not even remotely sick of it.”

Heidi Montag, without even a hint of irony, tells Ryan Seacrest on his radio show.