Because he hates you, Ryan Seacrest debuted Heidi Montag’s new single, “Look How I’m Doing,” on his morning radio show today.

Really, Heidi? You’re going to call this song “Look How I’m Doing”??? Do you want us to respond?

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have “eloped” in Mexico, if by “eloped” you mean “meticulously photographed every moment for the eventual sale of the photos to Us Weekly.”

I kind of refuse to believe that these two voluntarily opted against televising their ceremony. My guess is that MTV wouldn’t pay them what they were asking and had them locked into a TV contract, so they said “Fuck it” and “eloped” and sold the pics exclusively.

Us Weekly pics are here.

Heidi’s 22 and Spencer is 25. This thing will last FOREVER, I’m sure of it. At least, it will last until the messy, messy divorce, for which I am so psyched.

“Like I’ve always said: Heidi’s hair and makeup people are some of my favorite homosexuals on the planet, and if they want to marry each other, I’m not about to be like, ‘Don’t.’”

The sage and ever-eloquent Spencer Pratt — a staunch Republican — discusses Prop 8 during an interview today.

As for Heidi’s take on it?

“I’m very for equal rights,” she said.

See? This is where Spencer and Heidi come in handy. When you need someone to really reach across the aisle and connect with the morons. Spencer and Heidi speak moron fluently, and, if that can help a cause I care about, I’m all for it.

Hey remember how Britney Spears did a couple of episodes of How I Met Your Mother and everyone was like “That’s stunt casting! This is a ridiculous ratings ploy!” and the producers were all like “We would never do that! How dare you?”

Yeah.

Guess who’s filming their guest spots on HIMYM this week?

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

“We can confirm that Heidi and Spencer will appear on the show,” cocreator and executive producer Craig Thomas says. “But we can’t give away anything specific about the episode. All we can say is that they play themselves, and one of them is the Mother.”

Holy Jesus if these two submit their names for Emmy consideration, like Britney did, I’m just going to boycott the whole world forever.

Oh, so sad.

It looks like Heidi Montag’s “fashion” line, Heidiwood, has been discontinued by Anchor Blue. However, it’s not a result of poor sales; Anchor Blue is “moving in a different direction” and is expected to close around 40 stores across the U.S in the coming months.

Heh. They’re moving in a direction AWAY from Heidi, which is exactly what I would do, too, if I saw her on the street.

“Since dating Spencer, Heidi’s whole mentality has changed—everything has changed. It’s almost indescribable. You almost had to have known her to know what I’m talking about. But I’m telling you, she’s completely different. She’s done a total 180, and I think it’s so sad.”

Jordan Eubanks, Heidi Montag’s totally unbiased ex-boyfriend, handing out soundbites at the Fallout 3 launch party last night.

Question: Is there anything in the universe more obnoxious than a logo-bearing Fendi belt?

Maybe a logo-bearing Fendi scrunchie?

I’m just not sure.

Heidi Montag at the Reality Check Challenge for Global Hunger at Taco Bell in LA.

I think it’s bedtime. It’s hard to focus on the screen. That color did something strange to my eyes.

Hey, do you guys remember when I had, like, my little nervous breakdown at the beginning of this year? I mean, even before Charlie died and all that and I was just out of my head fucking crazy and going through some really rough shit and it sucked hardcore? Yeah. This is the color my hair was back then. I distinctly remember wandering into the hair salon through my haze of crazy and being like, “I want it white. I want it to have no color left.” And the poor stylist was like, “Oh, sweetie, let’s talk about some nice highlights instead,” and I was like, “Listen to me. I want my hair devoid of color. Strip it of everything,” and she begrudgingly did it, shaking her head the whole time. It turned out looking a lot like this. I don’t know why I felt this need to have my hair scream “trashy stripper” at that point in my life, but I did. It just felt necessary. Fuck, if that shit had happened a year earlier, I would’ve probably just shaved my whole damn head, but, at the time, people would have been like “Ugh, total Britney wannabe.” Anyway, in my mind, this shade of hair color will always be called Emotional Breakdown Blonde. Someone alert Clairol.

It’s weird to think that shit went down less than nine months ago. It’s mind-blowing how much my life has changed since then. How that person and that life is a distant, fading memory already. Like it all happened to someone else.

And even just today. I was so sad this afternoon — it felt scary and limitless. And then I talked to some people I didn’t expect to talk to and said some things I didn’t expect to say and did some things I didn’t expect to do and, over the course of a few hours, the way I felt changed so drastically. I’m fine now. I’m calm and I’m content and I’m grateful. I have to remember that if I just wait patiently and pay attention, God hands me everything I need. I don’t know why that always slips my mind right when I need to remember it most. Hopefully I can help some of you begin your day today with that in mind.

Here’s Heidi at The Pink Party in LA, an event to help raise money for women’s cancer research.

Also there: Lori Laughlin, a pregnant Jennifer Garner, a (hopefully!) pregnant Poppy Montgomery, Vanessa Minnillo, Brooke Burke, Natascha Henstridge and more!

Everyone’s getting their sisters in on the action!

Stephanie Pratt started showing up on The Hills last season, and it looks like Holly Montag — who’s Joe Francis’ new assistant — will be showing up THIS season. She’s started to pop up on red carpets next to Heidi.

Sisters are totally this season’s hottest accessory. They’re the new baby!

Who’s the hotter Montag sister?

Joe Francis’ new assistant?

Holly Montag, sister to Heidi.

“His last assistant quit,” said our insider. “And Joe aggressively sought out Holly to work for him.” Another source told us, “She’s running his life.” Francis – who will do battle on “Celebrity Apprentice,” and might also appear on “The Hills” this season – told us, “Holly is fantastic, probably the best assistant I have ever had.”

Man, can we please do a reality series about being Joe Francis’s assistant? Does it just involve responding to subpoenas for him all day?

Perhaps most interesting, before I found the picture above of Heidi and her sister Holly, all searches for “Holly Montag” resulted in photos of Heidi before she was well-known. And I was like — “Holy crap that girl’s had a lot of plastic surgery.” You don’t notice it as it happens slowly, but when you look back — this photo was taken in August 2006, just two years ago — you’re like “Dayum.”

Maybe in the comments section we can try to identify all the procedures she’s had.

Who directed this shit? Spencer? Probably.

There’s nothing really to say about this, except for that it’s a kind of pathetic ploy by Heidi to get some attention for her unspeakably crappy new “song,” and it’s really kind of tragic that it’s actually working.

I got to 1:39 before I had to stop watching. See if you can beat my time.