Because he hates you, Ryan Seacrest debuted Heidi Montag’s new single, “Look How I’m Doing,” on his morning radio show today.

Really, Heidi? You’re going to call this song “Look How I’m Doing”??? Do you want us to respond?

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have “eloped” in Mexico, if by “eloped” you mean “meticulously photographed every moment for the eventual sale of the photos to Us Weekly.”

I kind of refuse to believe that these two voluntarily opted against televising their ceremony. My guess is that MTV wouldn’t pay them what they were asking and had them locked into a TV contract, so they said “Fuck it” and “eloped” and sold the pics exclusively.

Us Weekly pics are here.

Heidi’s 22 and Spencer is 25. This thing will last FOREVER, I’m sure of it. At least, it will last until the messy, messy divorce, for which I am so psyched.

“Like I’ve always said: Heidi’s hair and makeup people are some of my favorite homosexuals on the planet, and if they want to marry each other, I’m not about to be like, ‘Don’t.’”

The sage and ever-eloquent Spencer Pratt — a staunch Republican — discusses Prop 8 during an interview today.

As for Heidi’s take on it?

“I’m very for equal rights,” she said.

See? This is where Spencer and Heidi come in handy. When you need someone to really reach across the aisle and connect with the morons. Spencer and Heidi speak moron fluently, and, if that can help a cause I care about, I’m all for it.

Hey remember how Britney Spears did a couple of episodes of How I Met Your Mother and everyone was like “That’s stunt casting! This is a ridiculous ratings ploy!” and the producers were all like “We would never do that! How dare you?”

Yeah.

Guess who’s filming their guest spots on HIMYM this week?

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

“We can confirm that Heidi and Spencer will appear on the show,” cocreator and executive producer Craig Thomas says. “But we can’t give away anything specific about the episode. All we can say is that they play themselves, and one of them is the Mother.”

Holy Jesus if these two submit their names for Emmy consideration, like Britney did, I’m just going to boycott the whole world forever.

Oh, so sad.

It looks like Heidi Montag’s “fashion” line, Heidiwood, has been discontinued by Anchor Blue. However, it’s not a result of poor sales; Anchor Blue is “moving in a different direction” and is expected to close around 40 stores across the U.S in the coming months.

Heh. They’re moving in a direction AWAY from Heidi, which is exactly what I would do, too, if I saw her on the street.

“Since dating Spencer, Heidi’s whole mentality has changed—everything has changed. It’s almost indescribable. You almost had to have known her to know what I’m talking about. But I’m telling you, she’s completely different. She’s done a total 180, and I think it’s so sad.”

Jordan Eubanks, Heidi Montag’s totally unbiased ex-boyfriend, handing out soundbites at the Fallout 3 launch party last night.

Question: Is there anything in the universe more obnoxious than a logo-bearing Fendi belt?

Maybe a logo-bearing Fendi scrunchie?

I’m just not sure.