
I think it’s bedtime. It’s hard to focus on the screen. That color did something strange to my eyes.
Hey, do you guys remember when I had, like, my little nervous breakdown at the beginning of this year? I mean, even before Charlie died and all that and I was just out of my head fucking crazy and going through some really rough shit and it sucked hardcore? Yeah. This is the color my hair was back then. I distinctly remember wandering into the hair salon through my haze of crazy and being like, “I want it white. I want it to have no color left.” And the poor stylist was like, “Oh, sweetie, let’s talk about some nice highlights instead,” and I was like, “Listen to me. I want my hair devoid of color. Strip it of everything,” and she begrudgingly did it, shaking her head the whole time. It turned out looking a lot like this. I don’t know why I felt this need to have my hair scream “trashy stripper” at that point in my life, but I did. It just felt necessary. Fuck, if that shit had happened a year earlier, I would’ve probably just shaved my whole damn head, but, at the time, people would have been like “Ugh, total Britney wannabe.” Anyway, in my mind, this shade of hair color will always be called Emotional Breakdown Blonde. Someone alert Clairol.
It’s weird to think that shit went down less than nine months ago. It’s mind-blowing how much my life has changed since then. How that person and that life is a distant, fading memory already. Like it all happened to someone else.
And even just today. I was so sad this afternoon — it felt scary and limitless. And then I talked to some people I didn’t expect to talk to and said some things I didn’t expect to say and did some things I didn’t expect to do and, over the course of a few hours, the way I felt changed so drastically. I’m fine now. I’m calm and I’m content and I’m grateful. I have to remember that if I just wait patiently and pay attention, God hands me everything I need. I don’t know why that always slips my mind right when I need to remember it most. Hopefully I can help some of you begin your day today with that in mind.
Here’s Heidi at The Pink Party in LA, an event to help raise money for women’s cancer research.
Also there: Lori Laughlin, a pregnant Jennifer Garner, a (hopefully!) pregnant Poppy Montgomery, Vanessa Minnillo, Brooke Burke, Natascha Henstridge and more!