By now we’ve all seen Heidi Montag’s freakish metamorphosis-by virtue of 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day– into a realistic approximation of a human being with big tits and large lips. Fellow Hills cast member Kristin Cavallari recently revealed her opinion on the procedures, saying that she supports her friend’s decision to go under the knife. And under the knife. And under the knife. And under the knife. And under the knife….

“I think if she’s happy, it’s her body, she can do what she wants,” Kristin says. But then she turns right around and in the next breath sneers, “It freaks me out. There isn’t pressure to get plastic surgery in Hollywood. There is pressure to look a certain way but you can’t obsess about it. I’m lucky to have my family and good friends around me, and I know what’s really important.”

Ah, the beauty of true friendship.

Granted, other writers on this blog have broken the Speidi ban in recent months. I have held fast to it. However, I am breaking it temporarily, because this shit is insane.

And I’m not even talking about the plastic surgery. Oddly enough, I’m like the one person on the planet who actually backs Heidi on this. It’s her body, and she’s an adult woman, and she has every right to do whatever the hell she wants to it. I don’t even think she looks all that bad. Let’s be honest here: it’s a giant improvement over how she looked a few years back, when she first hit the Hollywood scene as an average-looking LC sidekick. I’d want plastic surgery, too, if I had to be videotaped sitting next to Lauren Conrad’s naturally flawless face every single day. She looks a lot better now than she did back then. Granted, she looks like a completely different person, but it’s a prettier person now, at least on the outside.

What upsets me is Heidi’s complete and total delusion about who she is and the message she’s sending. She looks this television reporter straight in the face and says that the message she’s sending to young girls is that beauty is on the inside. The reporter, bless her heart, is all like, “Ummm, that’s completely and totally not the message you’re sending” and Heidi is all like, “Well, yes it is. That’s definitely the message that’s coming out of my mouth. It’s just not the message I’m conveying with my actions — no, not at all. But that’s okay because I’m famous and the young girls who look up to me aren’t. They should understand the difference. Teenage girls traditionally respond well to mixed messages.”

And then — AND THEN — the reporter asks her to sing. And Heidi gets frantic and is all like “Noooo I’m saving my music for my album.” And then the reporter — whom I now LOVE — is all like, “You don’t have to sing something from your album. Just sing anything.” And then Heidi is all like, “Uhhhh, my jaw hasn’t really healed yet.” And then I laugh until I die.

Oh and bee-tee-dubs, you guys, Heidi’s album sold less than 1000 copies in its first week. That’s, like, unfathomably bad. I think Ayla Brown’s album did better, even before her Playgirl father stole Kennedy’s Senate seat (but not before sending me a stern email for talking shit about his daughter).

My former employer, Gawker, posted People Magazine’s Heidi Montag plastic surgery before and after today. She looks like an alien.

Heidi claims to be addicted to plastic surgery and had 10 procedures done in one day recently. A couple years back, Heidi was open about the work she had done to her nose and breasts and said they were quirks that had bugged her her whole life. She is 23 years old and has an entirely different face from when we first met her on Laguna Beach as Lauren Conrad’s friend from college. Addicted to plastic surgery? I’ll second that.

Heidi attributes her constant need to strive for physical perfection to– what else?– Hollywood and the pressure to be beautiful. Sadly, I wouldn’t put it past her to not realize how completely cliched and stupid that sounds, especially since she’s completely mangled her face. As Gawker pointed out, if her goal was to achieve perfection for the cameras, then leaving her face recognizable would be important. (More photos– some NSFW– available here.)

2009 was a particularly annoying year in terms of celebrities. And well, most things. But celebrities for sure. Today the SCTimes.com printed their list of the 10 most annoying celebrities of 2009 and I couldn’t agree more with their picks:

1. Jon Gosselin — This guy is so annoying that he made his wife Kate seem less annoying than usual this year. Once the couple split, which you may have heard about in the media, he made one annoying move after another. His wife, on the other hand, took the high road, assuming you believe that the “high road” is granting a series of TV interviews in which you whine about your money problems.

2. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt — This couple actually walked around in 2009 with their own video camera, hoping to sell the footage to a cable network for a reality show. These self-serving people set out to annoy the world, and they succeeded.

3. The Kardashians — Frankly, I initially couldn’t decide among sisters Kim, Kourtney or Khloe, or even their mother Kris. This reality-show family lifted annoyance to an art form. Kourtney had a baby this year, and Khloe married Los Angeles Lakers forward Lamar Odom, so we’re giving them a partial pass. Although Kris raised these three annoying young women, I’ve got to give the most annoying award to Kim. But, in the interest of fairness, let’s just call them all annoying.

4. Perez Hilton — For those of you who do not track the world of celebrity blogging, you probably assume I’m talking about someone related to Paris Hilton. This guy is not related to anyone named Hilton. His real name is Mario Armando Lavandeira, and he took the heiress’s name because he worships her. How annoying is that? Anyway, this guy has become a celebrity in his own right by mocking other celebrities on his blog. The most annoying (and despicable) thing he did in 2009 was reporting the death of former “Charlie’s Angels” actress Jaclyn Smith and, when she announced that she was very much alive, this bottom-feeder didn’t have the courtesy or class to apologize.

5. Kanye West — I’ve got news for you; even if he didn’t do that obnoxious thing to Taylor Swift on that awards show, he still would have made this list. I grind my teeth whenever this guy opens his mouth.

6. Levi Johnston — The father of Sarah Palin’s grandchild decided he wanted to be an annoying jerk when he grows up. On one TV show, he was joined on a panel by Jon Gosselin. It takes one to know one.

7. Nadya Suleman — You might know her better as “The Octomom.” I use the word “celebrity” loosely in discussing her, but I had no plans to write a list of the “Most annoying mother of 14 children,” so I had to include her here. I don’t really have to explain why she is annoying, do I?

8. Joe Jackson — The father of the late pop singer Michael Jackson transcends annoying, particularly when he seemed to be trying to benefit financially from his son’s death. He hardly belongs in what is supposed to be a lighthearted column, but his face annoys me, so how could I keep him off this list?

9. Miley Cyrus — Is she old enough to retire yet? I am so sick and tired of her and her father. She grates on me, and I thought I’d never get rid of her, but if she keeps pulling stunts like that little dance on the stripper pole at the Teen Choice Awards, I won’t have to put up with the Cyrus family much longer. Once Miley slips out of public favor, her father will soon follow.

10. Kara DioGuardi — It wasn’t her fault that the people behind the TV show “American Idol” decided to expand the judge’s table to four. The singer-songwriter probably was doomed to failure before she started because viewers didn’t like the change, but she certainly made the worst of a bad situation. Was it just me, or did she start to annoy from day one? She seemed awkward, and the more she tried to ingratiate herself with the audience, the more awkward it got. The producers tried to convince us of her musical credentials, but nobody was buying the sales job. When she wrote a lame song for the competition, she was exposed.

While I’d probably cut the Kardashians from the list (I can’t hate them. They are so harmless and dumb to me and that Khloe makes me laugh) and move Miley up a few notches, I think this is more or less a great list. However, there are plenty of other celebrities out there who grated on our last nerve this year. Tila Tequila, Mischa Barton and Lady Gaga are three people I could deal with hearing less about.

Who’s your pick for the most annoying celebrity of 2009?

Because he hates you, Ryan Seacrest debuted Heidi Montag’s new single, “Look How I’m Doing,” on his morning radio show today.

Really, Heidi? You’re going to call this song “Look How I’m Doing”??? Do you want us to respond?

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have “eloped” in Mexico, if by “eloped” you mean “meticulously photographed every moment for the eventual sale of the photos to Us Weekly.”

I kind of refuse to believe that these two voluntarily opted against televising their ceremony. My guess is that MTV wouldn’t pay them what they were asking and had them locked into a TV contract, so they said “Fuck it” and “eloped” and sold the pics exclusively.

Us Weekly pics are here.

Heidi’s 22 and Spencer is 25. This thing will last FOREVER, I’m sure of it. At least, it will last until the messy, messy divorce, for which I am so psyched.

“Like I’ve always said: Heidi’s hair and makeup people are some of my favorite homosexuals on the planet, and if they want to marry each other, I’m not about to be like, ‘Don’t.’”

The sage and ever-eloquent Spencer Pratt — a staunch Republican — discusses Prop 8 during an interview today.

As for Heidi’s take on it?

“I’m very for equal rights,” she said.

See? This is where Spencer and Heidi come in handy. When you need someone to really reach across the aisle and connect with the morons. Spencer and Heidi speak moron fluently, and, if that can help a cause I care about, I’m all for it.