So I guess Jimmy Choo is doing a line for H&M. So of course they need to do a big Hollywood launch party for it. And they get a whole bunch of celebs to come. But whoever did the lighting on the red carpet completely fucked it up, so nobody gets to look good except for Hayden Panettiere, who can’t possibly look bad no matter what.

And then you have this completely tragic picture of Olivia Wilde, who is still basically the most beautiful human being on the planet, but she really need to avoid taking photos while standing next to Rashida Jones, who is incredibly tiny. Really it looks like someone did a bad job of Photoshopping them next to each other, like they messed up on the scale.

And also WTF is Paris Hilton wearing? We are NOT bringing back parachute pants, Paris. Not you, not Jimmy Choo, not anyone. We’re not bringing them back. Not now, not ever. Conversation over.

Heroes Cheerleader Hayden Panettiere got one of her birthday presents a bit early. The actress who recently starred in the box office bomb I Love You, Beth Cooper is turning 20 tomorrow (yes, seriously. This girl still can’t buy a six pack legally), but she stepped out in Malibu yesterday with a new beau that may look familiar to those of us who follow the rags regularly.

Homegirl was seen strolling in the sand with none other than Pink Taco founder Harry Morton. Not sure who that is? Maybe you’ll remember that he was Lindsay Lohan’s post-Wilmer Valderrama hook up from a few years back. Morton and Lohan actually dated for quite awhile and if history repeats itself, we can expect Hayden to get her first DUI in about a year and her second a couple weeks after that, followed by some jail time and girl-on-girl action with a popular DJ.

Ahhh. So much to look forward to.

“I love acting.  It’s something I respect. It’s something that makes me want to be respected for what I do. I’m working toward being a respected actress. Meryl Streep is it for me.”

Hayden Panettiere, to Chicago Sun-Times sharing her hopes of being on the same ability levelof Meryl Streep one day.

And now comes the point in the evening where I take a break from playing Punch Out to look at pictures of celebrities in expensive, but not always beautiful clothing.

Several celebs turned out for the amfAR Cinema Against AIDS Dinner held as part of the Cannes Film Festival. I wish I were the kind of person who opts not to say snarky things about celebrities when they’re actually doing something good and magnanimous, if not exactly altruistic. But let’s be realistic here– if I were that kind of person, I wouldn’t be writing for this blog.

While there were some attractive, well-appointed attendees– Claudia Schiffer looked adorable and Robert Pattinson actually managed to look alluring, not creepy– there were just as many couture trainwrecks.

Diane Kruger fell into one of those giant layer cakes that strippers pop out of and liked the feeling of buttercream between her tits so much that she decided to cover it in fabric and wear it to dinner. Zoe Saldana, who plays Uhura in the new Star Trek movie, couldn’t find a suitable dress, so she cut the tops off of several pairs of extra extra large nude pantyhose, draped them around her shoulders, tied them in a knot, and hoped no one would notice.

Meanwhile, Paris Hilton showed up wearing something that looked like a tinfoil cupcake wrapper mated with the seashell themed accessories decorating your Aunt Dee-Dee’s bathroom. She then proceeded to spread her legs and lean at awkward, 70 degree angles– either because she was posing for photos or because someone was holding a limbo contest just off camera.

In all seriousness, amfAR is a worthy cause, and I’m glad that these celebs took time out of their busy schedules of partying and wearing fancy dresses to party and wear fancy dresses for a cause. I just question the choice of fancy dresses.

Sure, you look at this picture and you’re probably offended by the cheap look of an exposed zipper.  Seriously, has Hayden Panettiere started shopping at DEB?  Sadly, tragic fasteners are the least of Hayden’s issues.

Pantyline has a new tat that she’s been showing off.  It reads “Vivere senza rimipianti,” which is Italian for “live with no regrets.”  Unfortuantely, “rimipianti” is spelled incorrectly; it should read “rimpianti.”  So much for living with no regrets.

You know, there aren’t too many things more devastating than a permanent body ink typo.  Well, unless they announce a Bring it On 6 — that would be more devastating.

The teenage hottie steams things up on a boat with her boyfriend, British TV personality Steve Jones, and some friends while in France. Rough life that Hayden kid has.

Earlier this week Marin talked over on Zelda Lily about Bristol Palin’s new abstinence initiative.  She has joined with the Candie’s Foundation along with, and prepare for hysterical laughter here, Hayden Panettiere to talk about the only 100% effective form of birth control:  abstinence.

I started reading up on this Candie’s Foundation and I must tell you, I’m more confused than ever.  I think they promote abstinence but then Hayden was quoted as saying, “There’s a lot of different viewpoints on sex, and I’m not someone who will ever boo-hoo anything or say, ‘This is not right,’ or, ‘This is wrong.  You’re going to do what you’re going to do, but at the end of the day, it’s okay as long as you educate yourself, as long as you’re safe, as long as you’re smart.  It’s a topic that’s not talked about enough.”

So there you are ladies!  Straight from the mouth of Hayden Pantyline.  Do whatever you want, it’s okay!  I’m so relieved…I wouldn’t want Hayden boo-hooing my choices.  What an idiot!  Oh, and speaking of faking abstinence, Hayden was recently overheard talking about David Duchovny’s sex addiction woes and said to a friend, “Well if I had to be addicted to something, it would be sex!”

Hmmmmm. This sure is fishy. Hayden Panettiere grabbed lunch at Katsuya with her married co-star, 44-year-old Adrian Pasdar. Now this alone is not fishy, but then it gets weird: The entire restaurant was closed for the three hours they were there. No other customers were allowed inside. Plus, they left holding hands.

Adrian is married to Dixie Chicks frontwoman Natalie Maines, and the couple have two children. Now I’m not necessarily saying this means he’s dating Hayden, but, if he isn’t, this is a REALLY stupid situation for him to put himself in, considering that Hayden has a history of shacking up with her older co-stars. There are many, many ways to have private, quality time with your platonic friends. Leaving one of the most paparazzi-friendly restaurants in LA holding hands with a 19-year-old is not one of the methods I’d recommend. Either they’re hooking up or they’re two of the stupidest image-managers in Hollywood. Or maybe just both.

First our favorite little whale-lover was screaming at reporters on the red carpet, and now we’re hearing reports that she’s being a bitch on the set of Heroes and trying to get ex-boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia fired from the show.

Ah, workplace love!

“She refuses to be on the set at the same time as him,” a source tells OK! magazine. “She is making it difficult for everyone involved.”

Hayden’s rep denies the accusations, but, given her recent behavior, I’m inclined to believe this stuff! Hayden is totally the next Lindsay Lohan. She just needed a couple years to age. I called it ages ago. Crazy, overbearing mother? Alcoholic, domestic-abusive father? Infinite money, fame and good looks? Check, check, check. This girl’s antics are gonna be supporting this website in the future, mark my words.

Sounds like Hayden Panettiere needs a Midol-or a whole bottle.  Yesterday, when she arrived at a fundraiser supporting the Rehabilitation Hospital of the Pacific Foundation, she spent most of her red carpet time yelling at reporters.

When she first arrived, she screamed at the photogs to back up.  After posing for a few pictures, she was approached by a reporter who tapped her on the shoulder and asked, “May we talk with you Hayden?”  Pantyline responded by yelling, “Don’t you ever touch me!”  In the end, she refused to answer any questions and told various media, “You all make my life miserable.”

In some ways, I understand.  I don’t like anyone in my space unless I’m legally bound to them or they shared my body for nine months.  As a matter of fact, the next time my friends try to get all huggie kissie with me, I’m going to go all Hayden on them.  “Don’t you ever fucking touch me.  Who the hell do you think you are?  God…you make my life miserable.”  I’ll let you know how that goes over.

Personally, I think she’s cranky because she vowed to get one million signatures for the Save the Whales foundation by June, 2009 and so far, only has 90,000.  So please, go sign her fucking petition so Pantyline can calm the hell down.  God, I can’t wait until Heroes gets cancelled so everyone get down to the business of forgetting her.

Everyone knows that Hayden and Milo are “ovah” but the reason why has remained a bit of a mystery. However, The Chicago Sun-Times thinks they have it all figured out.

 Word has it, the split between Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia was caused by a pregnancy scare. The test proved negative but apparently caused friction that sparked the breakup.

You think they would’ve written the pregnancy into the show? I guess if you take a 30-something, add a 19-yr-old with a penchant for underage drinking and then throw in a sprinkle of pregnancy you’re unlikely to get anything pretty out the other end. Considering Hayden’s age, it wouldn’t surprise me if her life flashed before her eyes when she realized she might be stuck with the same dick for the rest of her life. That’s enough to scare any girl into Jesse McCartney’s arms. Too bad. I’d be curious to see how their kid would’ve turned out. 

Beet’s right though – Hayden needs to be free to date and drink, and nip slip like all the other girls her age. If only so that we can cover it. Heh heh.

It looks like Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimigla, the couple with the most obnoxiously difficult names to pronounce, are ovah.  According to this dude, Hayden was at Crown Bar making out with Jesse McCartney.  Not just making out, but, like, foreplaying (I bet you didn’t know foreplay could be verbed).  Ever the consummated professional, she did pause to sign autographs.  Can you imagine being the fan that interrupts that action?  “Uh, excuse me…Hayden?  Hi, I’m Suzi and I was just wondering…could I have your autograph?  Oh, sure, I can wait until you swallow.  No problem.”

And the real question that I’d like to have answered:  How is it that Hayden Pantyline keeps getting into bars?

Picture above is two years old.  Apparently, Pantyline has had designs on McCartney for quite some time.