So I guess Jimmy Choo is doing a line for H&M. So of course they need to do a big Hollywood launch party for it. And they get a whole bunch of celebs to come. But whoever did the lighting on the red carpet completely fucked it up, so nobody gets to look good except for Hayden Panettiere, who can’t possibly look bad no matter what.

And then you have this completely tragic picture of Olivia Wilde, who is still basically the most beautiful human being on the planet, but she really need to avoid taking photos while standing next to Rashida Jones, who is incredibly tiny. Really it looks like someone did a bad job of Photoshopping them next to each other, like they messed up on the scale.

And also WTF is Paris Hilton wearing? We are NOT bringing back parachute pants, Paris. Not you, not Jimmy Choo, not anyone. We’re not bringing them back. Not now, not ever. Conversation over.

Heroes Cheerleader Hayden Panettiere got one of her birthday presents a bit early. The actress who recently starred in the box office bomb I Love You, Beth Cooper is turning 20 tomorrow (yes, seriously. This girl still can’t buy a six pack legally), but she stepped out in Malibu yesterday with a new beau that may look familiar to those of us who follow the rags regularly.

Homegirl was seen strolling in the sand with none other than Pink Taco founder Harry Morton. Not sure who that is? Maybe you’ll remember that he was Lindsay Lohan’s post-Wilmer Valderrama hook up from a few years back. Morton and Lohan actually dated for quite awhile and if history repeats itself, we can expect Hayden to get her first DUI in about a year and her second a couple weeks after that, followed by some jail time and girl-on-girl action with a popular DJ.

Ahhh. So much to look forward to.

“I love acting.  It’s something I respect. It’s something that makes me want to be respected for what I do. I’m working toward being a respected actress. Meryl Streep is it for me.”

Hayden Panettiere, to Chicago Sun-Times sharing her hopes of being on the same ability levelof Meryl Streep one day.

And now comes the point in the evening where I take a break from playing Punch Out to look at pictures of celebrities in expensive, but not always beautiful clothing.

Several celebs turned out for the amfAR Cinema Against AIDS Dinner held as part of the Cannes Film Festival. I wish I were the kind of person who opts not to say snarky things about celebrities when they’re actually doing something good and magnanimous, if not exactly altruistic. But let’s be realistic here– if I were that kind of person, I wouldn’t be writing for this blog.

While there were some attractive, well-appointed attendees– Claudia Schiffer looked adorable and Robert Pattinson actually managed to look alluring, not creepy– there were just as many couture trainwrecks.

Diane Kruger fell into one of those giant layer cakes that strippers pop out of and liked the feeling of buttercream between her tits so much that she decided to cover it in fabric and wear it to dinner. Zoe Saldana, who plays Uhura in the new Star Trek movie, couldn’t find a suitable dress, so she cut the tops off of several pairs of extra extra large nude pantyhose, draped them around her shoulders, tied them in a knot, and hoped no one would notice.

Meanwhile, Paris Hilton showed up wearing something that looked like a tinfoil cupcake wrapper mated with the seashell themed accessories decorating your Aunt Dee-Dee’s bathroom. She then proceeded to spread her legs and lean at awkward, 70 degree angles– either because she was posing for photos or because someone was holding a limbo contest just off camera.

In all seriousness, amfAR is a worthy cause, and I’m glad that these celebs took time out of their busy schedules of partying and wearing fancy dresses to party and wear fancy dresses for a cause. I just question the choice of fancy dresses.

Sure, you look at this picture and you’re probably offended by the cheap look of an exposed zipper.  Seriously, has Hayden Panettiere started shopping at DEB?  Sadly, tragic fasteners are the least of Hayden’s issues.

Pantyline has a new tat that she’s been showing off.  It reads “Vivere senza rimipianti,” which is Italian for “live with no regrets.”  Unfortuantely, “rimipianti” is spelled incorrectly; it should read “rimpianti.”  So much for living with no regrets.

You know, there aren’t too many things more devastating than a permanent body ink typo.  Well, unless they announce a Bring it On 6 — that would be more devastating.

The teenage hottie steams things up on a boat with her boyfriend, British TV personality Steve Jones, and some friends while in France. Rough life that Hayden kid has.

Earlier this week Marin talked over on Zelda Lily about Bristol Palin’s new abstinence initiative.  She has joined with the Candie’s Foundation along with, and prepare for hysterical laughter here, Hayden Panettiere to talk about the only 100% effective form of birth control:  abstinence.

I started reading up on this Candie’s Foundation and I must tell you, I’m more confused than ever.  I think they promote abstinence but then Hayden was quoted as saying, “There’s a lot of different viewpoints on sex, and I’m not someone who will ever boo-hoo anything or say, ‘This is not right,’ or, ‘This is wrong.  You’re going to do what you’re going to do, but at the end of the day, it’s okay as long as you educate yourself, as long as you’re safe, as long as you’re smart.  It’s a topic that’s not talked about enough.”

So there you are ladies!  Straight from the mouth of Hayden Pantyline.  Do whatever you want, it’s okay!  I’m so relieved…I wouldn’t want Hayden boo-hooing my choices.  What an idiot!  Oh, and speaking of faking abstinence, Hayden was recently overheard talking about David Duchovny’s sex addiction woes and said to a friend, “Well if I had to be addicted to something, it would be sex!”