“Kate Winslet is always naked, sitting on a toilet, running buck-naked. She’s free. I want to be the kind of actress who can really be comfortable with my body like that.”

Halle Berry, veiled bitchiness in Elle.

“You know that stuff they say about a woman being responsible for her own orgasms? That’s all true, and, in my case, that makes me responsible for pretty damn good orgasms. They’re much better orgasms than when I was 22, and I wouldn’t let a man control that. Not anymore. Now, I’d invite them to participate. I’ve learned my tricks. I know what I like. I do not wait around. I initiate. And I’m not all about frequency - I favor intensity.”

Oscar winner and orgasm guru Halle Berry, in a new interview with Esquire.

Somewhere out in cyberspace, Gabriel Aubry’s buddies are sending him emails like ‘hey so i guess this means you’re responsible for dishes and diapers?’ And if they’re not, they really should.

Holy freakin’ hell, let me get this straight: the first photos of Halle Berry’s daughter, Nahla Ariela Aubry, are not in the pages of People magazine. Halle has chosen not to profit off the birth of her child? Weird, weird, weird.

Instead, the first pics of baby Nahla come from a recent visit to the zoo.

Look at that child’s eyes! And her lips! Gorgeousness!

Now I know why Halle’s kept her hidden for so long. She doesn’t want to incur the wrath of Shiloh. Little Nahla’s giving that little Jolie-Pitt bitch a run for her money. Those two are sooo going to fight over Greek shipping heirs when they grow up.

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry have named their little kiddo.

According to Access Hollywood, the baby’s name is Nahla Ariela Aubry.

“We didn’t have a name picked out until just before we left the hospital,” said Halle. “For us it was hard to name the most important person in our life until we met her.”

I think that’s a pretty name. Nahla must mean something in some language, but when I Google it all I get is the Northern Alberta Health Libraries Association. And I refuse to do any further research. Because I’m a lazy asshole.

Anyway, I’d go on and on about how this is going to be the most beautiful child in the whole world, but then I think about Rumer Willis and I decide I better wait a few years before making that determination.

Halle Berry gave birth to a healthy baby girl on Sunday.

No word on the name yet.

Any guesses?

Halle Berry has been pregnant forever. The only person who was pregnant longer was Bridget Moynahan. Bridget Moynahan was pregnant for two full years. I mean, I’m not exactly a doctor — I’ve been told I do a thorough job of self-medicating, which I choose to take as a compliment, if not as a full license to practice medicine — but seriously, people, what the fuck is happening in there over all this time? I’ve seen one of those things after they come out. They can’t do anything. They’re blobs. Why do people want these things? You’re producing a low-functionality product with outrageous variable costs, zero trialability and an extremely high switching cost. If I tried to pitch babies to my marketing professor in business school, he’d have laughed me right out of the classroom. (Instead I went with high-end dog food and garnered a B. Fucker. There’s a market for it.)

With the amount of time those mini-humans spend in other people’s stomachs, I’d expect them to at least come out and be able to pass a high-school biology test on the digestive system. But they can’t even write. I mean, you can get a full freakin’ masters degree at University of Phoenix in nine months, right? Someone needs to start some manner of in utero classes. Teach those little blobs something while they’re in there. Pipe in Women’s History. Everyone wants to get that credit out of the way early.

Here’s Halle Berry, 18 months pregnant, shopping at Whole Foods with her insanely hot boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry. I can’t look at Gabriel Aubry because he makes me need to have a boyfriend that looks just like him right this goddamn second. We need to clone humans so that we can clone Gabriel Aubry. That’s my scientific opinion. Someone get me in front of Congress to talk about this, stat.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahaha.

Seriously I just crack myself up sometimes.

For real, though.

What’s up with the hair, Halle?

Halle showed up at the Palm Springs Film Festival’s awards night looking fantastic and quite preggers.

Where is her hottie model boyfriend? I haven’t seen a shot of him recently. I’m sure all is still well in paradise, but I miss seeing his hottie face.