Miz Paltrow was looking better than I’ve seen her look in a loooong time at the Bent on Learning benefit in NYC last night.

This is the Perfect Paltrow I remember from years ago. She looks darling here.

Why the sudden improvement in appearance? (Or, should I say, when are they announcing the divorce?)

Can we issue a warrant for the arrest of Gwyneth Paltrow’s stylist?  Her Grammy ensemble left me dumb and blind for several minutes.

Also behind the scenes at the Grammy Awards, Nicole Kidman’s facial muscles have left the building, Queen Latifah is still working on her healthy weight, Leann Rimes’ husband struck the “Yes, she’s pregnant!” pose,  and Katy Perry’s performance dress completely cancels out all the positive that had been accomplished by her red carpet look.

After swearing that they’d never walk a red carpet together, Gwyn and Chris are working on plans to appear together at the Oscars later this month.  And this has truly convinced me that all the “troubled marriage” rumors are false.  Because if you attend awards shows together, that is the number one sign of a strong union.  For real.

I could never be a part of a Hollyweird couple.  How do you think this conversation went?  “Listen, I know we promised we’d never be photographed together, but people are talking about the fact that we’re never on the same continent at the same time.  My publicist was talking to your manager and they feel that we really need to consider doing this project.  Our likability ratings are nil right now.  This could really help us!  Could you stop working on your stupid, fucking GOOP site for one second and talk to me?”

These two never really seem to be a couple except when cranking out biblically named children, but rumors of a rift strengthened last month when Martin was hanging with Brit singer, Aleesha Dixon.  He offered her a ride on his private jet.  I think that’s Britcode for blow job but I’m not sure.

The picture of the happy couple is from 2005.  Aleesha Dixon, just because.

Gwyneth Paltrow and others appeared last night at the grand opening of Fontainebleau Miami Beach.  What is going on with Gwyn?  Let’s be fair: there are some things you have no control over.  Breasts that extend from the bottom of your ribcage up to your collarbone?  Nothing you can do about that; that’s God’s cruel joke.  But the dress, completely unrelated shoes and reverse skunk stripe of roots all could have been thwarted by any compassionate stylist.  Or full length mirror. 

Sixty-seven year old Martha Stewart was there as well.  I don’t know if it was prison or surgery or what but she still looks terrific.  I included pics of Jason Lewis because don’t we all deserve a little visual handjob?  And in the case of Terrence Howard, the answer is yes; the pants were also printed jacquard.  Ya.

Oh, and when you look at the pictures of Alessandra Ambrosio, just know that she had a baby less than three months ago.  And also know that I’m typing this post from my elliptical machine and have sworn off food.

With her kiddo Moses.

I know we have pressing world issues at hand but Gwyneth Paltrow’s wardrobe choice at the Paris premiere of Two Lovers bears mention.

OMG. This chick is soooo annoying.

I understand that post-partum depression is a very real and serious illness that affects women of all walks of life. I understand the importance of both diagnosing and treating it.

What I don’t understand is why Gwyneth Paltrow thinks her post-partum depression, with second child Moses, was the result of “scaling back on her usual pre-baby treatments like acupuncture.”

Sigh.

We’ve finally isolated the root of post-partum depression!

NOT ENOUGH ACUPUNCTURE!!!

So if you’re one of those poor, tragic souls who can’t afford regular acupuncture treatment while simultaneously juggling the costs of pre-natal check-ups, sonograms, diapers, cribs, toys, baby food and your pre-existing children, you’re pretty much fucked. Sorry.