Star is reporting that Gwyneth’s husband is having an affair with Kate Bosworth.  This presents some problems because Kate is totally dating Alexander Skarsgard.  How is she finding the time to fuck all these dudes?  No wonder she’s so thin!

This story originated at Star, but now X17 has an “exclusive source” who confirms that Chris Martin has been publicly macking on Kate while playing at a benefit.  That would certainly be a Boldplay.  According to the “source”, Gwyn and Chris’ marriage is over and he’s moved on to Kate.  I don’t buy it.  I’m sure that Chris Martin was making out with some anorexic, pasty, marginally talented blonde — the one he’s married to.

Every time two moderately famous women start in a movie together, cat fight rumors ensue.  If they don’t go for weekly mani/pedis, tattoo each other’s name on their ass, and spend all their holidays together — you know, if they aren’t Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox — the media creates stories of conflict.  Usually, the stars are getting along just fine and the conflicting rumors are completely manufactured.  Usually.

At Comic-Con, Scarlett Johansson tried to put to rest rumors that she didn’t get along with her Iron Man 2 co-star Gwyneth Paltrow.  This was her attempt – it involves characterizing Gwyn as being clueless — at casting their working relationship in a positive light, when asked if there was truth to the rumors that the two fought:

Are there any truth rumors about the cat fight between you and Gwyneth Paltrow?

No, nothing could be further from the truth. I have nothing but wonderful things to say about working with her. Well, she’s very much out of the loop. She’s very much out of the loop, you know — she’s got a wonderful family whom she spends a lot of time with. So for her, she’s like, “What’s going on? What?” And of course Jon [Favreau] who’s on his Twitter, he’s crazy about any kind of news about anything. He’s like “You haven’t heard? You haven’t heard?” And he comes onto set and we’re both like, “Oh god.” Every time I would say to Gwyneth, “Oh yeah, that was on the seventh,” and she’d say, “Are you sure it wasn’t on the sixth?” He’d [Favreau] yell, “what? It’s a cat fight! It’s breaking out.”

I’m convinced.  Aren’t you?

At a time when websites are closing down left and right GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow’s site that promotes spiritual betterment through buying quality cashmere, lives on. 

In her most recent entry, Gwyn acts like an ass by talking about what’s coming out of her ass.  If you eat healthy and take care of yourself — and you’d think that working out with Madge would qualify — you shouldn’t need to do a detox.  But she ballooned to a size four, so off to the colonic spa she went.  

Here are all the deets, so you and the rest of the masses can go on her detox plan.  Because really, who doesn’t want to be just like Goopaltrow?

“I am finishing the amazing three-week-long ‘Clean’ detox program,” the Oscar winner, 36, writes in her latest GOOP newsletter. “I feel pure and happy and much lighter.”

Paltrow, who earlier this year detailed a detox that she says helped her to shed unwanted holiday pounds, claims slimming down was her motivation this time, too. “I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly [sic] fun and delicious ‘relax and enjoy life phase’ about a month ago,” she writes.

Paltrow turned to cardiologist and detoxification specialist Dr. Alejandro Junger for advice. His tips included avoiding processed foods and allergens and eating organic, as well as “[making]] time for ‘detox-enhancing’ habits such as sauna, massage, hot and cold baths and skin brushing,” he writes. “All of these improve circulation and increase perspiration, which help fuel your body’s natural cleansing system.”

For Paltrow, the best part of the program may have been her sense of renewed energy. “This program allowed me to work and exercise regularly, something I cannot do if I am on a liquid-only detox,” she says. “I followed it to the letter and I can report that it worked wonders.”

I am so happy that an educated Hindu scholar finally sees what I see.  Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP website, with the tagline “Nourish the inner aspect,”  is a total joke.  I subscribe to her newsletter and I’m sorry — I do not see the spiritual merit in discussing gladiator sandals.  Trench coats and nautical-themed clothing do not represent any part of the inner me.  Now, I’ve found a genius dude who shares my perspective.

Hindu scholars have poked fun at GWYNETH PALTROW for using religious terminology to promote her “mundane” weekly Goop blog.
U.S. Hindu leader Rajan Zed suggests the movie star should take the trouble to learn more about the ancient religion before using taglines like “nourish the inner aspect” on her website.
Zed fears Paltrow is leading impressionable minds astray by suggesting her weekly musings are deep and philosophical – and then just writing about material, “external” matters.
He says, “There are not many deep, spiritual and philosophical thoughts in the blog, which are an essential part of nourishing the inner self.
“The actress needs to grow-up and stop writing about mundane topics like ‘Boots by Gucci’, ‘Banana Pancakes’, ‘The Hungry Cat’ and ‘Tweezerman’ – in which she talks about taming the unruly eyebrows of men. Instead, she needs to talk about topics like realising self, immortality, deeper reality, eternity, soul, inner realms of the mind and spirit, pure consciousness. That’s if she’s truly serious about inner aspect.”

Reading this article got me to going through POOP GOOP again.  According to Gwynnie, songs to nourish your inner aspect include “Lovefool” by the Cardigans and “Crazy In Love” by Beyonce.  What a waste of cyber space.

Gwyneth Paltrow, in her latest GOOP newsletter:

Back in the day, I had a “frenemy” who, as it turned out, was pretty hell-bent on taking me down. This person really did what they could to hurt me. I was deeply upset, I was angry, I was all of those things you feel when you find out that someone you thought you liked was venomous and dangerous. I restrained myself from fighting back. I tried to take the high road. But one day I heard that something unfortunate and humiliating had happened to this person. And my reaction was deep relief and…happiness. There went the high road. So, why does it feel so good to hear something bad about someone you don’t like? Or someone you DO like? Or someone you don’t KNOW? I once asked the editor of a tabloid newspaper why all of the stories about a famous British couple had a negative bent. He said that when the headline was positive, the paper didn’t sell. Why is that? What’s wrong with us?

Hmmmm. Who could Gwynnie be talking about???

I swear there is never a Valentino event where Gwyneth’s GOOP-y little face doesn’t show up holding Valentino Garavani orange Muppet hand on the red carpet.

Gwyneth — sans “husband” Chris Martin — showed up to the premiere of the Valentino: The Last Emperor show at the MoMA in NYC. Seriously is there a point at which Valentino is going to look at these photos of his face and think to himself, “I look absolutely ridiculous”? Because this is what he always looks like on the red carpet. I sincerely believe it’s some kind of disease, some manner of body dysmorphia. I hate to compare an orange face to an eating disorder, but that’s kind of what’s happening here. Like he keeps looking in the mirror and thinking “NOT ORANGE ENOUGH!”

Anyway, also there were Blythe Danner, Anne Hathaway, Selita Ebanks and that fucking insane body of hers, socialite Tinsley Mortimer rocking the neons we’re starting to see on the carpet, Padma Lakshmi, Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy, Helena Christensen, Karolina Kurkova and Agyness Deyn.

“I think that there might be some other explanation or something going on. I’m not quite sure what, but I can’t believe that he’s really going to quit [acting] forever to become a rapper.  It seems odd.”

Gwyneth Paltrow to MTV UK when asked about her Two Lovers co-star Joaquin Phoenix and his decision to leave acting in favor of pursuing his dream of being a rapper.

Also, what career advice does Gwyn have for the clumsy and violent human pogo-stick?  “Hmm … maybe to go live in the projects for a few years to get some authenticity, maybe.”

Miz Paltrow was looking better than I’ve seen her look in a loooong time at the Bent on Learning benefit in NYC last night.

This is the Perfect Paltrow I remember from years ago. She looks darling here.

Why the sudden improvement in appearance? (Or, should I say, when are they announcing the divorce?)

Can we issue a warrant for the arrest of Gwyneth Paltrow’s stylist?  Her Grammy ensemble left me dumb and blind for several minutes.

Also behind the scenes at the Grammy Awards, Nicole Kidman’s facial muscles have left the building, Queen Latifah is still working on her healthy weight, Leann Rimes’ husband struck the “Yes, she’s pregnant!” pose,  and Katy Perry’s performance dress completely cancels out all the positive that had been accomplished by her red carpet look.

After swearing that they’d never walk a red carpet together, Gwyn and Chris are working on plans to appear together at the Oscars later this month.  And this has truly convinced me that all the “troubled marriage” rumors are false.  Because if you attend awards shows together, that is the number one sign of a strong union.  For real.

I could never be a part of a Hollyweird couple.  How do you think this conversation went?  “Listen, I know we promised we’d never be photographed together, but people are talking about the fact that we’re never on the same continent at the same time.  My publicist was talking to your manager and they feel that we really need to consider doing this project.  Our likability ratings are nil right now.  This could really help us!  Could you stop working on your stupid, fucking GOOP site for one second and talk to me?”

These two never really seem to be a couple except when cranking out biblically named children, but rumors of a rift strengthened last month when Martin was hanging with Brit singer, Aleesha Dixon.  He offered her a ride on his private jet.  I think that’s Britcode for blow job but I’m not sure.

The picture of the happy couple is from 2005.  Aleesha Dixon, just because.

Gwyneth Paltrow and others appeared last night at the grand opening of Fontainebleau Miami Beach.  What is going on with Gwyn?  Let’s be fair: there are some things you have no control over.  Breasts that extend from the bottom of your ribcage up to your collarbone?  Nothing you can do about that; that’s God’s cruel joke.  But the dress, completely unrelated shoes and reverse skunk stripe of roots all could have been thwarted by any compassionate stylist.  Or full length mirror. 

Sixty-seven year old Martha Stewart was there as well.  I don’t know if it was prison or surgery or what but she still looks terrific.  I included pics of Jason Lewis because don’t we all deserve a little visual handjob?  And in the case of Terrence Howard, the answer is yes; the pants were also printed jacquard.  Ya.

Oh, and when you look at the pictures of Alessandra Ambrosio, just know that she had a baby less than three months ago.  And also know that I’m typing this post from my elliptical machine and have sworn off food.

With her kiddo Moses.