I am so happy that an educated Hindu scholar finally sees what I see.  Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP website, with the tagline “Nourish the inner aspect,”  is a total joke.  I subscribe to her newsletter and I’m sorry — I do not see the spiritual merit in discussing gladiator sandals.  Trench coats and nautical-themed clothing do not represent any part of the inner me.  Now, I’ve found a genius dude who shares my perspective.

Hindu scholars have poked fun at GWYNETH PALTROW for using religious terminology to promote her “mundane” weekly Goop blog.
U.S. Hindu leader Rajan Zed suggests the movie star should take the trouble to learn more about the ancient religion before using taglines like “nourish the inner aspect” on her website.
Zed fears Paltrow is leading impressionable minds astray by suggesting her weekly musings are deep and philosophical - and then just writing about material, “external” matters.
He says, “There are not many deep, spiritual and philosophical thoughts in the blog, which are an essential part of nourishing the inner self.
“The actress needs to grow-up and stop writing about mundane topics like ‘Boots by Gucci’, ‘Banana Pancakes’, ‘The Hungry Cat’ and ‘Tweezerman’ - in which she talks about taming the unruly eyebrows of men. Instead, she needs to talk about topics like realising self, immortality, deeper reality, eternity, soul, inner realms of the mind and spirit, pure consciousness. That’s if she’s truly serious about inner aspect.”

Reading this article got me to going through POOP GOOP again.  According to Gwynnie, songs to nourish your inner aspect include “Lovefool” by the Cardigans and “Crazy In Love” by Beyonce.  What a waste of cyber space.

Gwyneth Paltrow, in her latest GOOP newsletter:

Back in the day, I had a “frenemy” who, as it turned out, was pretty hell-bent on taking me down. This person really did what they could to hurt me. I was deeply upset, I was angry, I was all of those things you feel when you find out that someone you thought you liked was venomous and dangerous. I restrained myself from fighting back. I tried to take the high road. But one day I heard that something unfortunate and humiliating had happened to this person. And my reaction was deep relief and…happiness. There went the high road. So, why does it feel so good to hear something bad about someone you don’t like? Or someone you DO like? Or someone you don’t KNOW? I once asked the editor of a tabloid newspaper why all of the stories about a famous British couple had a negative bent. He said that when the headline was positive, the paper didn’t sell. Why is that? What’s wrong with us?

Hmmmm. Who could Gwynnie be talking about???

I swear there is never a Valentino event where Gwyneth’s GOOP-y little face doesn’t show up holding Valentino Garavani orange Muppet hand on the red carpet.

Gwyneth — sans “husband” Chris Martin — showed up to the premiere of the Valentino: The Last Emperor show at the MoMA in NYC. Seriously is there a point at which Valentino is going to look at these photos of his face and think to himself, “I look absolutely ridiculous”? Because this is what he always looks like on the red carpet. I sincerely believe it’s some kind of disease, some manner of body dysmorphia. I hate to compare an orange face to an eating disorder, but that’s kind of what’s happening here. Like he keeps looking in the mirror and thinking “NOT ORANGE ENOUGH!”

Anyway, also there were Blythe Danner, Anne Hathaway, Selita Ebanks and that fucking insane body of hers, socialite Tinsley Mortimer rocking the neons we’re starting to see on the carpet, Padma Lakshmi, Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy, Helena Christensen, Karolina Kurkova and Agyness Deyn.

“I think that there might be some other explanation or something going on. I’m not quite sure what, but I can’t believe that he’s really going to quit [acting] forever to become a rapper.  It seems odd.”

Gwyneth Paltrow to MTV UK when asked about her Two Lovers co-star Joaquin Phoenix and his decision to leave acting in favor of pursuing his dream of being a rapper.

Also, what career advice does Gwyn have for the clumsy and violent human pogo-stick?  “Hmm … maybe to go live in the projects for a few years to get some authenticity, maybe.”

Miz Paltrow was looking better than I’ve seen her look in a loooong time at the Bent on Learning benefit in NYC last night.

This is the Perfect Paltrow I remember from years ago. She looks darling here.

Why the sudden improvement in appearance? (Or, should I say, when are they announcing the divorce?)

Can we issue a warrant for the arrest of Gwyneth Paltrow’s stylist?  Her Grammy ensemble left me dumb and blind for several minutes.

Also behind the scenes at the Grammy Awards, Nicole Kidman’s facial muscles have left the building, Queen Latifah is still working on her healthy weight, Leann Rimes’ husband struck the “Yes, she’s pregnant!” pose,  and Katy Perry’s performance dress completely cancels out all the positive that had been accomplished by her red carpet look.

After swearing that they’d never walk a red carpet together, Gwyn and Chris are working on plans to appear together at the Oscars later this month.  And this has truly convinced me that all the “troubled marriage” rumors are false.  Because if you attend awards shows together, that is the number one sign of a strong union.  For real.

I could never be a part of a Hollyweird couple.  How do you think this conversation went?  “Listen, I know we promised we’d never be photographed together, but people are talking about the fact that we’re never on the same continent at the same time.  My publicist was talking to your manager and they feel that we really need to consider doing this project.  Our likability ratings are nil right now.  This could really help us!  Could you stop working on your stupid, fucking GOOP site for one second and talk to me?”

These two never really seem to be a couple except when cranking out biblically named children, but rumors of a rift strengthened last month when Martin was hanging with Brit singer, Aleesha Dixon.  He offered her a ride on his private jet.  I think that’s Britcode for blow job but I’m not sure.

The picture of the happy couple is from 2005.  Aleesha Dixon, just because.