“And, of course, here you go: I still love her.  But she’s retarded, too.”

Guy Ritchie in an Esquire magazine interview talking about — who else? — his matronly ex, Madonna.

Can you imagine how angry Madge was after reading that?  I can’t confirm this, but I hear she was so outraged that she ate an entire carrot stick chased down by not one, but two bottles of Kabbalah water.

Except Guy seems to be more interested in women his own age, specifically the 44-year-old Elle MacPherson, with whom he had dinner in London on Monday. The two left the restaurant separately.

Elle is twice-divorced herself, and has two children with Arpad Busson, who’s now engaged to Uma Thurman. Arpad was close friends with Guy and Madonna when they were together, so that’s probably how Elle knows Guy.

What a tangled, tangled web!

The ex-couple issued a joint statement today, regarding reports that their divorce settlement included Guy getting around $80M from Madge:

“We have tried to maintain a dignified silence regarding the details of our divorce for the last few months whilst accepting the obvious media interest. A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued to AP this week. The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement. Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well being of our children.”

Why did they use the word “co-parents” rather than “parents”?

From the just-released official stills for Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes.

Basically, it sounds like Guy Ritchie called up RDJ a few months before shooting began and was like “I want your body to look like my wife’s.”

Mission accomplished.

Hi, guys.

I’m sick today. This is probably related to my decision yesterday to run 3.1 miles in the freezing cold alongside thousands of other germ colonies (read: people). I spent the better part of the morning at the doctor’s office, and I do have to give mad props to my new insurance company, GroupHealth, which costs less than my old COBRA insurance and has been totally awesome and easy to work with and the doctors and techs have been very nice. So just a little tip for anyone in the northwest getting laid off and in need of health insurance. I spent a super duper long time researching health insurance when I moved out here, and I think I made a good decision. But the point of all this is that I might be spending the afternoon sleeping instead of writing much. Don’t worry about me, though. I have my dog here to take care of me. And by “take care of me” I of course mean “lick my face and try to steal my food.”

I will, however, note that Madonna has settled her divorce … for around $80M. The exact amount hasn’t been determined, but Madonna’s publicist says that she’d “assume it’s one of the largest payouts ever in a divorce settlement.” Awesome. Madonna gave Guy all of her British properties and a bunch of cash. “She’s got no interest in remaining here,” said a UK entertainment lawyer. “She’s relocating and moving back to New York. It’s money she’s already paid out — what is she going to do, try to sell the houses in a flagging market?”

For shits and giggles, there’s a fun clip above of Madonna falling on her ass at a show in Rio. The fun starts around 0:35.

Welp, it’s gonna be official! Madonna and Guy Ritchie will be granted a preliminary divorce decree at the High Court in London on Friday. After six weeks and a day, the divorce would be made final.

As to whether or not it was a messy divorce settlement, the various camps are disagreeing:

According to the British press, Madonna, 50, and Ritchie, 40, reached a settlement over money and their kids Lourdes, 12, Rocco, 8, and David, 3. London’s Evening Standard reports that Madonna will keep the bulk of her estimated $500 million fortune intact, though Ritchie was entitled by law to a share of it.

Additionally, Rocco and David will split time between the U.S. and London, while Lourdes, whose father is Carlos Leon, will live with her mother.

“[Madonna] walked away without any of his money, much to her credit,” a friend told the U.K.’s Times. “He has done the same.”

“He could have hugely boosted his bank balance and set himself up for life, but he already feels he has enough money,” another pal told the paper. “He also didn’t want the whole thing dragging on in the public gaze for months and months and, in any case, his priority was the children’s future.”

But a source close to the couple insists that’s not true. “He’s going to get a huge windfall, contrary to what’s being reported,” the source tells PEOPLE. “He’s getting a lot of money from the settlement. He’s not the gentleman he’s portraying himself as.”

My Lord, I can’t wait until Guy Ritchie writes a book — or, better yet, a screenplay! — about this insanity. He probably doesn’t need any of Madonna’s money because he’s going to make so much cash selling her out after this shit is over.

The Daily Mail reports that the deal is done.  Madonna and Guy Ritchie have reached a settlement regarding the division of their assets.  He will keep the country estate, his pub The Punchbowl, and some cash.  She’ll get their London flat and, I suspect, a gag order on her ex.

According to a new article in The Daily Mail, Guy Ritchie told Madonna that she “looked like a Granny” when onstage surrounded by her young backup dancers.  I want to know what kind of family Guy Ritchie has.  Because my granny had no muscle tone, peed the couch and wore a housecoat so I’m not getting the comparison.

Guy’s father spoke to the press about Madonna.  “She is being beastly. She is saying, ‘Did you ever love me?’ It goes back to a time when she fell off her horse and she’s blaming him for that. She’s calling him an emotional retard. When he’s being bashed by her it’s horrid.” 

I don’t really care why they are divorcing.  What I do want to know is how soon after Guy and Mads called it quits did he come out of the closet and openly eat a steak or some other formerly prohibited, non-macrobiotic friendly meal?  I’m thinking within the day.  Eight years of not being allowed to eat cheese should qualify as spousal abuse and ensure a healthy alimony settlement.

“This song is for the emotionally retarded. Maybe you know some people who fall into that category. God knows I do.”

Madonna, before performing a song about Guy Ritchie, “Miles Away,” at her performance last night.

Also amusing and Madge-related: The Daily Mail is reporting that Gwyneth Paltrow spent all summer begging Madonna to try to save the marriage for the kids, and is apparently very upset that they couldn’t work it out.

As I mentioned earlier, if you’re Madonna and you’re going to announce a divorce, now’s the time to do it.

Madonna’s publicist sent an email to the AP confirming that Madge and Guy Ritchie are divorcing.

AND Us Weekly is reporting that she’s getting frisky with baseball star Alex Rodriguez.

Wow.

The Sun is reporting that Madonna and Guy Ritchie are set to release a statement that they’re splitting up.

A statement confirming their marriage is over has been prepared and is set to be released imminently.

The couple are going public with their split because they “can’t bear to live with the pretence any longer”.

They have had a string of shouting matches about the amount of time each devotes to their careers, and over Madonna’s desire to adopt another child.

These arguments smashed through their attempts at reconciliation “like a sledgehammer”.

A highly-placed source told The Sun: “It’s very sad. They were a great couple and brilliant parents. They just couldn’t live together any more.”

Now, these rumors come around every six months or so, but, I have to admit, if you’re going to do a high-profile divorce, now’s probably the time. The world economy’s collapsing and the U.S. Presidential election’s in less than a month. At this moment, the universe cares less about the health of Madonna’s marriage than ever before. If you’re gonna jump ship, Madge, now’s your chance.

Mrs. Madge celebrates the big 5-0 at a London restaurant with Guy Ritchie, from whom she is clearly no longer estranged.

It has been 25 years since Madonna released her eponymous debut album.

How old does that make you feel?