I only hate on you because you’ve achieved the life I dream of. I think you know that. At least you can have a sense of humor about it — unlike some celebrities. (Cough — Verne Troyer — cough. I know it’s you sending the hate mail. Your email address changes, but your IP doesn’t, buddy.)

Oh, and on the Verne Troyer front, his ex Ranae Shrider is looking for an assistant. Bedroom videography experience optional.

I had to stop following Giuliana Rancic (nee DePandi) on Twitter. There are only so many tweets about beauty secrets and workout routines I can handle each day from someone who is naturally a size zero with perfect skin and married to the man who I always felt was destined for me.

But apparently Giuls’ life isn’t so perfect as it seems on the outset, as she is totally ready to throw away her marriage by doing a reality TV show with her husband of two years — but who’s counting? — Apprentice winner and total hottie Bill Rancic.

From building their Chicago dream home to hanging with each other’s outrageous families to wild weekends in Vegas, Giuliana and Bill are living life to the fullest as they embark on new adventures as husband and wife. And while living in two different places is not easy, they are committed to cell phone conversations and cross-country flights in order to make it work. Bill even gives learning the Italian language a shot in an effort to continue impressing Giuliana’s Italian family. But as with every couple there can be bumps in the road and Giuliana tries to relive her single days with a girls’ night out in Hollywood.

The series also offers a taste of what a day on the job is like for each of the Rancics. Viewers will follow Giuliana every step of the way from E! News morning meetings to behind-the-scenes access with some of today’s biggest celebrities to her frantic search for the perfect red carpet dress. Bill previously worked for Donald Trump following his win on “The Apprentice” but has since moved on. He is now developing real estate on his own and viewers will go inside Bill’s multi-million dollar construction projects. And when Giuliana decides that she wants a taste of Bill’s real estate world, hilarity ensues as Bill puts her to work on one of his construction crews for a day.

I will note, first off, that whenever the phrase “hilarity ensues” is used in an unironic sense, failure is imminent. But, truly, why do people keep signing up to destroy their marriages for a half-hour show on some third-rate network? The honeymoon period is over, Giuls. Putting this kind of strain on a relationship now is bad news bears. I don’t necessarily look forward to your forthcoming “divorce tips!” tweets, but I do look forward to my first date with Bill — off-camera, of course.

Bee-tee-dubs, kids, if you want to follow the EB crew on Twitter, you can check out me here, Wendie here and Kelly here.

It hasn’t been made particularly clear why, but E! host Giuliana Rancic (nee DePandi) is suing her former agency, William Morris, for “breach of contract and fiduciary duty,” according to her lawyer. “They put the interests of other clients they had ahead of hers,” he said. “It was a major conflict of interest, so she fired them. She’s claiming all money back that she paid them and damages in the millions.” William Morris declined comment. Giuliana is now repped by CAA.

I have no idea what actually happened here, and I’d love to hear the details. If you know them, please get in touch.

Also, a girlfriend texted me out of the blue last night like “Did Giuliana Rancic get a boob job?” And, while I know a ton of useless facts about all sorts of celebrities (I can pretty much draw Lindsay Lohan’s vagina from memory!), I do not know the answer to that. So I started going through old photos of Giuls on the photo services to try to figure it out. I didn’t arrive at a definitive answer, but I was reminded that Giuls had a very serious relationship with Jerry O’Connell in his pre-Romijn days, and also used to be all BFF with Joe Francis before she realized he was no longer doing anything at all to help her career. So that was fun.