Gah!  Why must supermodels look so fucking perfect even when they’re pregnant?  Where’s the acne?  Where’s the sagging rack?  Where’s the vomit?  Where’s the waddle?  My only solace is in knowing that she’s married to Buttchin Brady.

Gisele Bundchen was snapped confidently striding up and down the streets of Boston today.  While we’re at it, why is she even allowed within the state of Massachusetts?  Isn’t it enough that I have to suffer while my Joint Committee on State Administration and Regulatory Oversight is meeting today to consider naming the Fluffernutter as the state sandwich?  The Fluffernutter.  Not a lobster roll.  Not a turkey sandwich.  A Fluffernutter.  All this sandwich mayhem and I have to deal with Gisele Fucking Bundchen living here?  Hmm … I wonder if she’ll be at the Fluff Festival 2009 this weekend.

Two photogs who were at a post-wedding party of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have finally sent a gift along — a lawsuit.

Yuri Cotes and Rolando Aviles were pursued by the wedding couple’s security when they took unauthorized pictures of the party and then refused to turn over their cameras.  Talk about a loss of perspective — Tom and Gisele’s security guards shot at the paps’ car and allegedly came close to shooting them.  They shot guns over pictures and now the happy couple is being sued for $1M.

It takes some gall to crash a party and then sue that the conditions weren’t safe, but it seems so much more incredible that the security guards weren’t arrested for their irresponsible actions.  Let’s hope Tom keeps throwing TDs.  He’s gonna need that paycheck!

We’ve known for awhile now that Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen were expecting, but her due date has been up in the air. Yesterday, in an interview with SportsCenter, the Patriots’ quarterback revealed that his model wife will be giving birth in December. OK, so not an exact due date, but we’re getting closer to finding out when Brady will become a dad for the second time. Perhaps the Brady-Bündchen’s will have an extra special Christmas delivery?

While Brady has gotten a bad rap for his treatment of his other baby mama, Bridget Moynahan, it seems that he’s willing to suck it up this time and do the right thing by being there for his lady. Well, with one condition: “I told her no Sundays. It couldn’t be harder than training camp, so I’ll be prepared.”

Gisele Bundchen is the new face (abdomen?) of London Fog’s 2009 Fall campaign.  Obviously LF is trying to sex their image up, which is a refreshing departure from their atrocious winter coats that I used to receive as a Christmas gift every year when I was a child.  I can’t tell you how much those things cost me in therapy sessions.

Anyway, Gisele is pregnant so the LF people were kind enough to give her a little Photoshop enhancing to make her look as svelte as ever.  Sadly, Gisele’s “baby bump” is the average woman’s seemingly unattainable goal.

“I am crazy about children … I am an adoptive mother … I’ve already had this experience for two years,”

Gisele Bundchen, on a Brazilian television show talking about how prepared she is for motherhood.  Oh.  My.  God.  Can someone please explain to Gisele that she’s married to a guy who has a kid with another woman.  She’s not his (John Edward Thomas’) mother, she’s not his adoptive mother unless some legal transaction has occurred that we don’t know about.  She is a stepmother.

I’m a firm believer in “It takes a village,” but to call yourself the adoptive or biological mother of another woman’s child — a woman who is active in the raising of that child — is beyond disrespectful.

People magazine confirms that the leggy baby snatcher will be spawning one of the world’s most genetically perfect progeny with football star Tom Brady. The child is due sometime “early next year” which most likely means January or February.

“Family is everything,” Bündchen, who turns 29 next month, told PEOPLE last month. “I think family is the base to everything. I think that is one of the things I’m most grateful for. I have a lot to be grateful for but I think that’s definitely number one.”

And the stuff that comes out of her mouth is definitely number two. As little as two weeks ago, Giselle and Tom were denying that she was pregnant. But really, we all knew what was up when she was spotted chowing down in a Five Guys hamburger joint last week.

This post is for all of you who’ve ever uttered that phrase.

Here are some pictures of Gisele Bundchen “eating” at a Five Guys. I don’t believe it though. In the one picture that should show her eating, there is a sign conveniently covering the place where the hamburger should be. Even money she’s really holding a radish.

The staff of Five Guys reported hearing gagging noises coming from the bathroom after Bundchen entered, but later discovered several issues of People magazine in the stall and concluded that the model became severely nauseated after reading her own interviews.

RadarOnline is reporting that Gisele Bundchen is expecting a little quarterback or cheerleader.  Not surprising, actually.  You know Gisele is going to have about five kids in less than seven years, at least one set of twins, all whilst maintaining her size zero figure.  Perfection is such a drag.

Let’s think about this:  When Brangelina announced that they went into the lab and had created a DNA hybrid named Shiloh, I couldn’t fathom a more perfect mix could exist — until now.  Can you imagine what this child will look like?  It’s clear that the kid will probably be about five feet tall at birth.

This will be Tom’s second child.  He has an almost two-year-old with Bridget Moynihan.  Come to think of it, this will also be a second child for Gisele since she considers Tom and Bridget’s kid to feel like her own.

Congrats to the happy, genetically blessed, slightly annoying couple!

Oh what fun!

FUN FUN FUN!

Gisele Bundchen’s on her honeymoon with Tom Brady in Vancouver. Why would people with all the money in the world go on honeymoon in Vancouver and not, say, Fiji? Well, because Bridget Moynahan is filming a movie there, and I assume she’s got custody of that kid something like 95% of the time, and you better believe she enforces that mess. But for the two hours of the day that Tom has little John in his custody, he and Gisele made damn sure the photogs got snaps of them being such good parents.

I’ll reiterate exactly what Bridget planted in the press last month: You never see pictures of her with that baby. And whenever Tom and Gisele have the baby, the photogs are somehow right there and ready to snap away. Coincidence? No.

They’re so in love that they got married twice. Now that’s devotion.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen exchanged vows in a short sunset ceremony at her home in Costa Rica early Saturday evening, PEOPLE has learned. The bride, in a long designer dress and a veil that trailed 10 feet, and holding a bouquet of white orchids, “looked so gorgeous,” a source tells PEOPLE. “She looked beautiful.”

Security guards blocked off key access points to Bündchen’s house in Santa Teresa, where 25 or so guests gathered under a tent set up on the home’s balcony.

After the ceremony, Brady, 31, in a gray suit and vest with white pants, held his 1 ½-year-old son John on the balcony and spoke with guests like Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots. Bündchen, 28, also hugged guests while friends and relatives snapped photos.

Eh, I’m so bored of the story of these two. I’m done with the lovey-dovey and I’m ready for them to go down in flames. I’m ready to find out that she’s cheating on him with Leonardo DiCaprio. (Wow, now that’s a name I haven’t typed out in awhile — what happened to that dude?) When I read that Gisele had a 10-foot train, my first thought was, “Oooh, I wish she’d tripped on it!”

Bridget Moynahan and I should totally do lunch.

Bridget Moynahan has been verrrrrry quiet in recent years, as Gisele Bundchen parades about the world carrying her child and giving stupid quotes to magazines about how she considers the child her own. Props to Bridget for that. However, she’s not above letting her “friends” “leak” some quotes about all this nonsense.

A source close to the 37-year-old model-actress [says], “Bridget has her own life, she doesn’t need to be involved in the drama of all this, and she finds it disrespectful that her son is being paraded around in front of the paparazzi when she’s specifically made it a point of keeping him away from that.”

The source went on to say pointedly, “I can count on two hands, in two years, the number of times Bridget has been photographed with that baby. I can count on two hands the number of times in the past month that Gisele has been photographed with that baby.”

In an even more personal attack, the source said, “If Tom is such a great father as everyone likes to say, then you would think that he’d respect the privacy of his young child and would ask his wife not to use his son as a publicity prop and a subject of public discussion.”

Damn! But it’s true. I personally am a little nauseated when I see Gisele toting around that little boy for the cameras. I’m glad that she’s bonding with him — obviously a child deserves as much love as he can get — but in front of the cameras, and the way she talks about him in interviews, is really, really annoying. I can’t even imagine how mad it makes Bridget. Kick her ass, Bridget!!!

Bridget Moynahan is pissed about Gisele Bundchen’s “The Boy Is Mine,” statement in May’s Vanity Fair.  She’s not letting on though; she’s letting her friends do all the talking.

One of her close friends, who you know was totally reading off index cards that Bridget wrote out for her, said, “If Gisele loved Bridget’s child like he was ‘100 percent her own,’ then she would not talk about him in the press. Discretion and respect are not either of Gisele or Tom’s virtues, as was evidenced even when the child was still unborn and they publicly flaunted their relationship without any discretion whatsoever.  Don’t you think Jack will grow up and read her comments and find them disrespectful to him and his mother? If Tom is such a great father as everyone likes to say, then you would think that he’d respect the privacy of his young child and would ask his wife not to use his son as a publicity prop and a subject of public discussion. Is she is so desperate for attention that she can’t find anything more productive to talk about other than Bridget’s child?”

Personally, I couldn’t get past the part where Gisele called Tom and Bridget’s son “it.”  As in, “I understand that he has a mom, and I respect that, but to me it’s not like because somebody else delivered him, that’s not my child. I feel it is, 100 percent.”  As a mother, I am here to tell you that the only time you call your kid “it” is when you are pregnant and they have just made you puke for the sixth time before noon.  Once born, calling your child “it” is considered somewhat declasse.