Yup, it’s Gisele Bundchen, that chick Tom Brady dumped you for after he knocked you up, holding your newborn child!

Oh, yay, yay, yay!!!!

You know, normally I take a pretty cynical eye toward celebrity life. I know most of it’s bullshit. I get that. I understand that these are real people with real emotions and real lives, and they all have pain and heartbreak and sadness and rough nights just like you and me, and I understand that, in many cases, money and fame only worsen the problem. I understand that most of these lives are not in any way enviable.

But Gisele?

Fuck Gisele.

Gisele lives in this magical little world where she’s forever gorgeous and delighted and weightless and beloved and NFL quarterbacks leave their pregnant girlfriends when she demonstrates even the tiniest bit of interest and any speck of sadness that might accidentally fall within 20 yards of her life is quickly ushered away by the ever-vigilant Gisele Bundchen Happiness Fairies.

Fuck Gisele.

I know you guys probably love him. That’s fine. I’m not judging you. But I hate Thomas Brady.

Just look at him. Here with Gisele, his girlfriend. Whatever, dude, that leather jacket makes you look like a member of the West Side Story Jets.

Evidently there was an awkward little moment between Gis, Tom, and Leo last night.

This happens to me all the time. See, I used to have this girlfriend who was nominated for multiple Oscars. But then I started dating this chick who is a tennis pro pulling down seven figures a year. You know how that goes. Then we’d occasionally all show up at the same Jiffy Lube to get our 2003 Hyundai Sonata worked on, including a new air filter, and it would be so very weird. It was like “So, how’s the acting going?” while my new girl toy practiced her backhand, pretending not to be infuriated with me.

But she was.

So yeah, anyway, I loathe this T-Brad guy.

Gisele Bunchen and Tom Brady spend some quality time in NYC this week.

Where’s Tom’s new baby?

Oh, yeah, somewhere with Bridget Moynahan.

Image via WENN

Dear Gisele.

I hate you.

xoxo,
Beet

In NYC on Saturday.

Image via Splash

Funny story. So I get this email with the subject line: “John Travolta in W Magazine’s JULY Issue.” Okay. So I open the email, and it has this image attached. Gmail, of course, just shows the thumbnail of the image. So I’m looking at the thumbnail of this thing, like, “Jesus Christ, that’s John Travolta? Is that from Hairspray?”

Anyway. It was Gisele. Not John Travolta. (If you care about that piece — please say you don’t — you can read an excerpt here.) But Gisele looks good, so I’m posting this picture, instead of talking about John Travolta, who is doing enough damn talking for the both of us these days.

She may have the body of an angel, but model Gisele Bunchen is nobody’s sweetheart when it comes to salary negotiations. Gisele will no longer be the “lead angel” for Victoria’s Secret, reports Page Six, because they failed to increase her $5 million per year salary. Her sister confirmed to a Brazilian website that talks had broken off.

“Her demands were outrageous. She got a new lawyer who was unrealistic,” said an inside source. “Victoria’s Secret doesn’t care. They have five new hotter, younger girls debuting next year. And they won’t have to deal with any craziness.”

Hey, at least Victoria’s Secret didn’t knock Gisele up before they dumped her. Bundchen, who was linked for several years with Leonardo DiCaprio, is now dating football star Tom Brady, who left pregnant girlfriend Bridget Moynahan to get into the ex-angel’s panties.

Beet’s favorite man may be pulling double daddy duty in the near future. Yep, Tom Brady might have gotten his gal pal Gisele Bundchen pregnant too.

A Brazilian site says she’s two months into the pregnancy which means Bridget’s baby would still win the coveted “first born” and Tommy Jr. label. Whew!

I am not going to moral police in the slightest here. The guy is rich, his girlfriends are rich, the kids will be born into the 99.9999 percentile of wealth, looks, athleticism, and access. I want to be either of those kids, so rock on. I’ve also taken an informal poll of every guy I know and if any of us were Tom we’d get both of these girls as pregnant as possible as often as possible.

That said, Tom’s offensive line might want to start providing him more protection in the bedroom. Heeyoo!

The American site (reporting on the Brazilian site) is here.
The Brazilian site (if you speak Portuguese) is here.

If you’re wondering where Lindsay Lohan acquired her penchant for rambling, nonsensical epistolaries, look no further than her father’s most recent jailhouse opus. [Pop on the Pop]

Aw, Danny Tanner can still make his little girls smile. [Agent Bedhead]

Turns out Courtney Love can stay sober and plant absurd rumors about how she’s being considered as a judge for American Idol and categorically deny them, all at the same time! Yet, basic spelling continues to elude her. [Defamer]

Tara Conner’s no stranger to any type of blow. [ICYDK]

I hadn’t heard of Lily Allen until sometime last week, but this girl’s getting really famous really fast. [popbytes]

The gossip and sports blogospheres collide with the sound of Gisele Bundchen getting pummeled by Tom Brady. [The Big Lead]

Memo to Tyra Banks: We are done talking about the weight you’ve put on in the past couple of years. We did it for a day or two, got it out of our systems, and we’re ready to move on. We’d really appreciate it if you’d allow us to do that. Step away from the fat pictures, Tyra. Please. Love, The Blogosphere. [The Blemish]

Bill Gates can’t get away from Jon Stewart fast enough. [Cele|bitchy]