If you’re looking for something uplifting or inspiring, you’d best go read something else: you’ll find naught but bitterness here.

Bitterness because the fact that Jennifer Aniston is turning 41 makes me feel really, really old.

Bitterness because, at 41, she’s more attractive than my saggy 28 year old ass will ever be.

Bitterness because while I’m stuck here huddling under a blanket in the grips of  Snowtorious B.I.G. 2010 with nothing but my flaky, white, winter-ravaged skin to keep me company, her tan ass is prancing around in a bikini in fucking Cabo with Gerard Butler, Courtney Cox, and Sheryl Crow.

Can you taste that?

It’s the acrid taint of deep, bitter jealousy. Crack me a beer and pass the buffalo chicken dip– I’ve only got 14 hours (of Superbowl pregame shows) to get this taste out of my mouth.

Image from People.com

This is kinda like some Pretty Woman shit, but instead of having sex with men for money, the chick plays the violin. And Gerard Butler doesn’t save her, he just makes out with her and gives her a few dollars. Wait, let me back up.

Gerard Butler was at a Haiti benefit in Santa Monica yesterday with some buddies and after they were done saving the world they decided to go take a walk on Venice Beach. For those of you who are blissfully ignorant, Venice Beach is the sometimes fun but always trashy part of LA’s beach scene that’s filled with a mixture of artists and junkies. It’s fun, but a little scary at times. And completely filthy.

Gerard and his pals were walking the beach when a violinist recognized him and called him over. The two started chatting and then they starting kissing, right there in the middle of the street. For seemingly no reason. After the smooches were over, Gerard tossed a few bucks in her case and went home.

Yeah, there’s something romantic about this… but definitely also something kind of sad. Gerard Butler is a movie star, and that chick plays violin on the street. Two artists on opposite ends of the spectrum. I wish he had told her to get in his car and swept her off for four nights of sex at the Four Seasons or something.

Rumor has it that after a seemingly flirty encounter in NYC, Jessica Simpson and Gerard Butler are dating. Well, apparently that rumor’s a crock.

Here’s the set up: Jessica and Gerard were out together, but not “together”. They have mutual friends, including Jessica’s BFF Ken Paves (her long time hair stylist), and they were out as a big group at Soho House. They apparently touched elbows and batted eyes at one another and that’s about it in terms of “rumor fuel”. Not to mention Gerard is kind of a ladies man and with his star rising, he’s in no rush to settle down. A friend close to Gerard seemed pretty certain that there was no way Jessica’s about to be his main squeeze, “I’m never surprised to hear that Gerard is with someone new. None of those relationships last. Certainly he’s not planning on settling down with Jessica Simpson … Gerard plays the field … and Jessica is lonely … and she lost weight and is looking good.”

So basically: don’t worry, ladies! Gerard Butler is still single and he’s probably going to want to start dating you any. day. now.

Just what Hollywood needs, another overpriced, C-list laden, paparazzi covered bar!

The opening night of new club Voyeur went down on Thursday and tons of celebs came out (read: got free bottle service) to be there for all the madness. Samantha Ronson, Gerard Butler, Shane West and Shanna Moakler were snapped headed in and out of the club by the paparazzi, who must have been taking a break from standing in front of Teddy’s or Guys and Dolls or wherever the hell the kids are going these days. Bardot. Is that one of them? H-Wood? Is that still open? Hyde? Les Deux? Opera? Anyone wanna play a game of LA-club based Scategories?

Okay, they aren’t engaged, but they were seen holding hands this weekend which means that a ring is obviously part of the plan.  Oh, and Jennifer has probably started fertility treatments so that she can have a baby with Butler.

Here’s the scoop:  Gerard and Jennifer had dinner together this weekend at NYC’s The Jane Hotel.  Let’s see — what else? — they had drinks and there was the aforementioned hand holding.  Clearly the evidence points to impending nuptials.

In case my sarcasm is lost in translation, I’m sure they had dinner together, held hands because they’re friends and stayed at the same hotel because they are filming The Bounty.  It’s so sad that it’s come to this, but any man that comes within 20 feet of Jennifer’s snatch is now branded in the media as “Jen’s New Beau!”

Speaking of vivid imagination, the folks over at Glamorati claim that Jen’s last “New Beau!” Bradley Cooper is recently engaged to Renee Zellweger.  Puhleeze.  Didn’t Renee already do the hasty engagement and marriage to a mildly effeminate dude that everyone whispers about?

This day has been heavy on the Butler gossip, and I’m okay with that. Remember those rumors from late last year that everyone’s favorite Spartan was rubbing shields with Jennifer Aniston at the Toronto film festival? Well, rumors are flying again that the two might be seeing each other on a regular basis:

According to sources, the duo has been meeting up at the former Friends star’s New York apartment.

“She said that in their film meetings, the chemistry was intense and physical,” the Sun quoted a source close to Jennifer…

I know a lot of people feel bad for Jennifer because of her “unlucky in love” schtick, but there’s only so much sympathy you can give someone who just keeps making such bad dating choices. Most of you have at least one friend like that– or I should say had one friend like that– who dates jerk after jerk and wonders why things don’t ever work out for her.
Gerard is known for being something of a player– which is fine if you’re just looking for a little post-relationship rebound fling– but another source says that Aniston is “smitten” and looking to develop a serious relationship with him.

That’s not the title of some esoteric French art flick. Those are the names Jamie Foxx and Gerard Butler have supposedly been calling one another.
Star Magazine is reporting that the two aren’t getting along very well on the set of their upcoming movie Law Abiding Citizen. The cause of their petulant behavior? Plain old jealousy:

Hollywood catfights aren’t just between the ladies! Jamie Foxx and Gerard Butler have been going at it on the set of Law Abiding Citizen. An insider tells Star, “Jamie is jealous of the female attention Gerard gets. And Gerard is annoyed that Jamie’s always jetting off to Vegas to party.”

The Dueling duo even have pet names for each other: Gerard calls Jamie “The Fool”, and he’s known as “Ger-tard!”

ìItís like high school on this set!î says the source. Boys will be boys!

Only at Star magazine could you use the phrase “boys will be boys” without any hint of irony. As a side note, I’m thinking about taking a weekend trip to Philly because there is just the slightest possibility I might receive a massage from the aforementioned Mr. Butler, or see him naked.