Last night was the premiere of Drew Barrymore’s new movie and directorial debut, Whip It.  She arrived on the red carpet fondling co-star Ellen Page and cuddling up with her old E.T. director, Steven Spielberg.  Also there was Drew’s other co-star, Juliette “I Can’t Believe You And Your Yellow Teeth Were Once Engaged to Brad Pitt” Lewis and Barrymore’s Flower Films partner Nancy Juvonen (you may remember her for her controversial biceps). On-again, off-again boyfriend Justin Long was nowhere to be found.

Now, I know a lot of you thought it was just the result of some weight-loss, but I still think Drew’s face looks completely retooled ala PTA mom.  Gladly, she listened to the masses and got rid of her two-tone hair.

I think the writers over at Page Six have officially lost their minds.  They did a photo gallery titled “50 Fat Celebrities”.  So, I took a look, and sandwiched in among the likes of Kirstie Alley and Kathy Bates is Elisha Cuthbert.  You know, the hot, blond chick from 24?  I mean, did they just hit a point where they couldn’t think of anyone else so they just threw in some random picture?  Dudes, how about Raven Fucking Symone?  Raven I Love My Curves Symone dodged this bullet and Cuthbert, who admittedly does have some slightly unfortunate knee fat, is one of the top 50 fattest?

I’m feeling kind of depressed today and so did not need to wake up to this.  In fairness, I don’t know how old this picture of Elisha in a bikini is, but I have some in the gallery of Elisha over the past few months.  If this is the definition of fat, I’m scheduling my gastric bypass, stat.  Ah, poetry, and on only two hours of sleep.  You’re welcome.

My other issue is that they had dead dudes on the list like Elvis, Marlon Brando and Orson Welles.  It is my opinion that, once you kick off, you no longer have the privilege of a “Fat Celeb” title.

Other fatty title-holders include Kelly LeBrock, Rachel Hunter, Danielle Fishel and, yup, Jessica Simpson.

My asshole boyfriend married Fat-Arms on Necker Island in the Caribbean this weekend. The two got engaged in August, much to my dismay.

Normally I’d take this opportunity to go on a cute little rant about Fat-Arms and her fat arms and how Jimmy Fallon should be mine but I’m just too depressed right now to even do that.

Will I never get the guy?