A flaccid, pale penis.

Seriously. This guy just has “I’m a penis” written all over him. It’s unsettling.

At a birthday party in Miami Beach with Eve.

She is everywhere.

You guys, I know it must seem like I’ve run a lot of Eve pictures lately, but, you guys, I even skipped some. Wherever there is a photographer, that is where you will find Eve. SCRAM bracelet and all. Honestly, she is showing up on WireImage with a Paris Hilton frequency. (And speaking of Paris, she’s been suspiciously absent lately, given both Fashion Week and the VMAs.)

Apparently she’s done with Fashion Week, and has hit up the west coast in preparation for the VMAs. She was spotted in JET in Las Vegas, at a party hosted by an adorably blonde Nelly (the “I’m Like a Bird” one, not the “I’m just kiddin like Jason … unless you’re gonna do it” one).

Eve and her SCRAM bracelet were at Tenjune’s first anniversary party in NYC last night.

She has been at four events with WireImage photographers in the past two days. I know it’s Fashion Week and all, but nobody else is showing up in this many photos. Homegirl is driven.

I don’t know why I’m obsessing over this, and I’m sure you guys are getting a little annoyed with it, but all of a sudden Eve is everywhere. She is showing up at seriously every event at NYC Fashion Week, and she’s getting her ass in almost every picture. It’s phenomenal! Out of 25 pictures on WireImage from this event, Eve is in 24 of them.

She hit up the MAC lounge, where she was hosting an event with Gwen Stefani. She’d changed her clothing from earlier in the day, but the jewelry is the same. And she found jeans that cover her SCRAM bracelet! That’s a bummer — I get such a kick from seeing that thing in every picture.

Eve is out on the town and rocking that SCRAM bracelet.

For the second time this week, the rapper showed up at an NYC fashion event looking fantastic and proudly sporting the alcohol-monitoring anklet.

If only Lindsay Lohan cleaned up this well!

It’s not that Eve ever looks awful, but I think she looks particularly stunning at this NYC event on Tuesday night. Everything here looks amazing: the dress, the hair, the body, the make-up, the shoes …

… THE ALCOHOL-DETECTING ANKLE BRACELET …

… she’s a home run in my book!

Another day, another celebrity DUI. Rapper Eve was picked up in Hollywood at 2:45 Thursday morning on suspicion of DUI after she crashed her Maserati on Hollywood Blvd. She ran into the center divider, totalling the front of the (very expensive) vehicle.

TMZ caught the whole thing on tape, because they’re awesome like that.

Sources report that Eve’s blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit. She posted the $30,000 bail and was released from L.A. County Jail on Thursday morning. You better believe TMZ got that footage too.

You know, I totally want TMZ to handle the videography at my wedding.

In Touch magazine is reporting that Rick Salomon and rapper Eve were spotted getting cozy at Hyde nightclub. Is the infamous Eiffel-towered star of One Night in Paris planning to title his sequel Summer’s Eve? Or perhaps Paris Hilton’s former boyfriend has finally found a starlet willing to insert a liquor bottle into her lady parts while being videotaped, an area in which Paris was a grave disappointment. Eve does have a history of sex toys and videotape. Regardless of their individual rationales, rest assured that the real loser here is you, as you’re sure to be up all night, engaged in a Jacobian wrestling match with the God of your personal allegiances, struggling to determine which of them you actually care less about.

[via Bossip]