Paris appeared at the Venice Film Festival this weekend with her on-again boyfriend, Doug Reinhardt.  Doug was looking very two-dimensional and was airbrushed within an inch of his life.

There were a few other notables there, but I’m willing to bet attendance was down at this year’s festival.  Damn economy.  I’m really, really hoping Eva Mendes hasn’t fallen off the wagon since her rehab stint, but ahhh … well, you can judge for yourself.  Mel Brown was looking very pink and Matt Damon was looking very goofy.  Nicolas Cage — don’t you love it when people get all familiar with him and refer to him as “Nick?” — and a very androgynous looking Tilda Swinton were there as well.

You guys I am in the WORST MOOD right now!

I have been trying to track down some documents I need for my taxes, and Jesusfuckingchrist banks are a NIGHTMARE to deal with. All I want to do is talk to a person! But I first have to punch in all this information about myself and then get passed around to three different people (and repeat ALL my information for EACH ONE of them) after waiting on hold for 15 minutes and being assured repeatedly by an automated voice that Washington Mutual is soooooooo psyched about merging with Chase (LIARS!) and then being asked every two minutes if I want to take a fucking survey. TRUST ME WASHINGTON MUTUAL YOU DO NOT WANT ME TO TAKE YOUR FUCKING SURVEY. I now have a raging headache and I want to smoke crack because that’s the only thing that I can imagine will relax me at this point. Grrrrr. Is it really THAT HARD to streamline this shit? IS IT??? I’m going to start my own damn bank, and here is our governing philosophy: “Once you give your information over the phone to one of our associates, we will use ‘modern technology’ to pass that information on to everyone else you’re transferred to, because it is absolutely insane that you should be asked to repeat this information over and over again now that we have the ‘Internet.’” I’m so pissed right now I can’t even write.

But I’m a professional! So here’s Eva Mendes looking much more put-together than WASHINGTON MUTUAL’S CUSTOMER SERVICE at the Dolce & Gabbana show in Milan. Also there: Scarlett Johansson and Kate Hudson, both looking like crap. Freida Pinto’s a middle ground.

I am going to go find crack to smoke now.

At the LA premiere of The Spirit on Wednesday night.

Scarlett Johansson and Eva Mendes both look positively edible at the launch party for The Spirit in London on Thursday.

Scarlett in particular looks younger and happier than I’ve seen her look in forever. Did she have work done — or is marriage just treating her really, really well?

Eva Mendes promotes a Calvin Klein bra in London.

In LA on Monday.

Here’s the new Calvin Klein ad featuring Eva Mendes, and, for just a second, Eva Mendes’ nipple.

It’s been banned in the U.S., because nipples will corrupt our children. Seriously, the biggest problem facing today’s youth? Nipples.

Anyway, CK’s probably getting more exposure for this damn perfume by having this commercial banned than they would have if it actually aired. The only time I’ve watched commercials during the past five years is when they’re on YouTube or during the Super Bowl. I don’t think I’ve watched live TV since, like, Dawson’s Creek was still filming new episodes.