Today Forbes released their list of the highest paid women in primetime and I’m sure that more than one of the names will completely shock you. Tyra Banks took first place with her America’s Next Top Model hosting gig (making over $30 million in a twelve month period), and was followed by the Snow Princess herself, Katherine Heigl, whose earnings will also shock you. The complete list is here:

1. Tyra Banks: $30 million
2. Katherine Heigl: $18 million
3. Marg Helgenberger: $9.5 million
4. Eva Longoria: $9 million
5. Mariska Hargitay: $8.5 million
6. Julia Louis-Dreyfus: $8 million
7. Maura Tierney: $8 million
8. Tina Fey: $7 million
9. Marcia Cross: $6.2 million
10. Jennifer Love Hewitt & Ellen Pompeo (tie): $6 million

For the most part these ranking make sense, except for Tina Fey’s #8 spot, as she also writes and produces her hit show 30 Rock. Also, Jennifer Love Hewitt can still rack in 6 million a season for a TV show? Who knew? Do people still care about her? I was unaware. I’m also a bit surprised that a Seinfeld alum like JLD isn’t worth more than Heigl, who beside being a complete brat on and off the set of Grey’s, only makes crappy romantic comedies these days.

Tony Parker got a little handsy with his scantily clad wife, Eva Longoria, on board a yacht in San Tropez.

In fairness, I was one of the many people who thought these two would never last. So far, they seem to be beating the odds. I’m happy for them. I really think they’ll be together another couple of years, even.

OMG you guys did you see what I did there? With that headline? Because Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are at Cannes and they’re kissing? Jesus Christ I am so unbelievably funny.

OK really though if this headline prevents just one of you from pronouncing “Cannes” with an ’s’ sound this week, it will all be worth it.

Eva Longoria’s hubby — who is originally from France — has purchased the second-largest stake of ASVEL, France’s most titled professional basketball team, and he will, he says, begin serving immediately as the club’s Director of Operations. Not too shabby for a 26-year-old.

“Why not, why not?” Parker answered, when asked if playing for the French club itself was in his plans. “When I’m 36, 37 years old, who knows how my NBA will go. Why not play one more farewell year in France afterwards? I’ve raised the subject with Eva, and she has nothing against living in France.”

Parker also described his intention to expand his current Tony Parker Basketball Clinic operations around ASVEL’s home base in Villeurbane, a Lyons suburb, citing another celebrity athlete as model. “I’d like to center them as a training center in Lyons, something like David Beckham’s [soccer program].”

I’m very impressed with Tony’s decisions to expand his empire at a young age and invest in something other than his athletic skill, but I’m also very amused that he thinks he’ll be married to Eva Longoria ten years from now. It seems his long-range planning is strong in some areas and weak in others.

People said they’d never last, but Tony Parker and Eva Longoria Parker were all snuggles and kisses at the New Year’s party she hosted at Beso in LA.

You gotta admit, they’re totally adorable together.

They wear Spanx!

Eva Longoria was totes busted flashing her Spanx as she got into the car after a party for her cover of Allure.

Okay, listen up ladies, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: If you have any complaints about the shape of your legs or your stomach or your butt, and you’re not wearing Spanx, the joke’s on you. As someone with a lifelong Buddha belly, I swear by the things. It’s like getting tummy lipo for 1/100th of the price and none of the messy surgery — the only downside is you miss out on an opportunity to potentially meet a single plastic surgeon, but whatever. You can order them online here (Spanx, that is, not single plastic surgeons … if anyone finds that website, please let me know.) Highly recommended, and longtime Hollywood secret. See, girls? Even megastars don’t always have perfect curves.

A bunch of peeps were at Eva’s party, including Victoria Beckham, Hayden Panettiere, Rosario Dawson, Felicity Huffman, Lake Bell and Heidi Klum.

On Friday, Victoria Beckham took son Cruz on a little shopping trip along Rodeo.

And she brought along — gasp! — Eva Longoria?

And Eva is holding Cruz’s hand?

Ack, the betrayal!!!!

What happened to Victoria’s longtime shopping buddy, Katie Holmes? Were Posh and Becks finally scared off by the Cruise’s attempts to convert them to Scientology? Were they bitter at having been replaced by the more racially diverse Pinkett-Smiths? Has Tom Cruise finally put his foot down, forbidding Katie from leaving the house outside his presence? Ever since they got back to the States after Tom was filming in Germany, Katie has basically never been photographed without Tom. There are a handful of exceptions, but they almost all involve Katie promoting Mad Money.

What happened to this shopping friendship??

What on earth could possibly explain Posh going shopping with anyone other than Katie?

Celebs are coming out en masse to make it clear that Barack Obama is not the only Hollywood candidate.

Eva Longoria spoke on Monday at a Town Hall meeting in Texas to support Hillary Clinton.

“As a native of Texas, I know our state and our nation face big challenges ahead of us,” she said. “Hillary has proven she has the strength and experience to deliver the change we need.”

The Texas primary is taking place today. I tried really hard (well, for at least five minutes) to find exit polling data to report to you guys, but I got really confused really fast. Does anyone know who’s ahead right now in Texas?

There are many women I have the “hots” for. It’s just that Eva Longoria isn’t one of them. Yet every marketing effort that surrounds her seems to be on how “sexy” she is.

Take for instance this new movie she’s pimping in this photo, Over Her Dead Body.

Now, in fairness, I haven’t seen it. But I have heard from industry folk that it’s just wretched. And they wouldn’t dare lie to me because I hold grudges forever.

My point (yes, I have one) is this: Let’s just market Eva as the quasi-hot mom. There are worse things to be, right?

Eva Longoria — normally skinny as all hell — looks to be sporting a little something in the middle at the Bambi awards in Germany.

If she’s not pregnant, she needs to fire her stylist. Control-top pantyhoes, anyone?

I mean, I guess Tony plays some manner of sport, and maybe he’s still relevant in that context — I wouldn’t know — so if you sports people still want to talk about him, I guess that’s okay with me, but can we just never hear about Eva Longoria again, please? How this woman continues to be relevant baffles me. Desperate Housewives hasn’t been good since what feels like some point during the Reagan administration, her film career never even started (she has one movie coming out in 2007, and its plot is described on IMDB as “a ghost tries to sabotage her former boyfriend’s current relationship with a psychic,” and, if I’m not mistaken, her role in 2008’s Food Fight involves her voicing some manner of anthropomorphic grocery product), and, frankly, I don’t even think she’s that hot. I just don’t understand why we still care about her. There’s still a war on in Iraq. Britain has a new prime minister. We’ve got an election coming up here in the U.S. And, for chrissake, Nicole Richie is pregnant. Don’t we have more important things to talk about than Eva Longoria?

Eva and Tony were legally married in a French civil ceremony today, although the formal ceremony and reception are taking place tomorrow. And after that, please, guys, no more Tony and Eva, okay?

Jessica Simpson should not be darker than Eva Longoria. Eva naturally has a hot Latina thing going on but Jess is starting to look like George Hamilton. How much fake tan do you have to put on to look this orange? Somebody should tell Jess that you can either darken your hair or your skin…not both.

Jessica Simpson is really looking fugly these days. It keeps getting worse. The whole dark hair, boobs falling out of her shirt, sexy face thing is just not working. There is something to be said about natural beauty.

Can we stop paying attention to the Simpsons? Doesn’t somebody else want to be famous?