I swear, if I have to hear one more thing about her and Adam Duritz, I’m just going to explode. MINE MINE MINE. Back the fuck off, Emmy!

I was having a conversation with a co-worker about threesomes today (because pretty much what I do when I am in the office is wander around and distract other people from doing actual work by bringing up topics like threesomes), and I was all like, “I don’t think I could ever be in a threesome. I’m not a good sharer,” and she was like, “Yeah, you don’t strike me as a very good sharer.” Ha! It’s so true! I didn’t share well in kindergarten, and I don’t share well now. And I CERTAINLY don’t share Adam Duritz well. He has been my man since I was in fifth grade. I get so upset whenever I read about him and Emmy.

For Emmy Rossum, her relationship with Counting Crows singer Adam Duritz began with a Tweet.

“I was on tour with the band this summer. They invited me actually on Twitter,” Rossum said Thursday on the radio show Valentine in the Morning. “That’s how we met – on a dare. They dared me to come sing with them a song that I’d never sung before … So I ended up on tour with the band, and it was very, very fun.”

Their relationship came to light this fall after they’d been spotted together multiple times. Rossum, 23, split from husband Justin Siegel in August – though her marriage was not widely known about.

Asked why she kept the fact that she was married a secret from the public, the actress says, “It’s hard to have a private life and keep it private and hope that people don’t pick you apart.”

As for the divorce, Rossum says, “I’m not asking for anything except freedom so that I can move on to another chapter in my life, and find happiness.”

This just makes me even angrier, because I’m on Twitter. (Hey! Follow me!) Why is Adam Duritz not daring me to do stuff on Twitter?? I will do way freakier stuff than sing a song I don’t know, Adam, if you would only ask. Try me!

What the fuck is that supposed to be, Emmy? An imaginary wedding dress? Hey, that’s kind of inappropriate, seeing as how you just ended your secret marriage. And you’re only 23. That’s sad. And you’re already out and about attending stupid ballet events with MY FUTURE HUSBAND. Grrrr. I am very, very upset about this. We are ENEMIES now, Emmy. You are Emmy the Enemy. You are my emmy-me. You are my n-emmy-sis. You are my adversar-emmy. I DON’T FUCKING LIKE YOU. GET AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND YOU BITCH.

I never cared much about Emmy Rossum. I’d see a photo of her on the red carpet as I was thumbing through a million event photos and yawn. She’s completely boring and I don’t even know why she’s famous. But I didn’t mind her, I just didn’t care about her.

Now?

I hate that little bitch. She’s on my shit list.

Why, you ask? Oh, just a little item that’s been floating around the Internet in the past day or two:

Her husband filed for divorce on September 25, but Emmy Rossum has already moved on to a new man. The 23-year-old actress, who reportedly split from music business exec Justin Siegel in August after a year-and-a-half secret marriage, has been cozying up to Counting Crows front man Adam Duritz, 45. The pair were spotted on a romantic dinner at Dos Caminos restaurant in New York’s SoHo neighborhood earlier this month, and on September 23, the Phantom of the Opera starlet and the singer made sweet music with a duet at the National Parks Conservation Association’s concert to celebrate National Parks Week in New York’s Central Park.

“They were staring into each other’s eyes,” an onlooker tells In Touch of the couple as they sang “Going Back to Georgia.” After the Counting Crows finished their set, Emmy and Adam brought the sizzle offstage. “They went back to his trailer together. They had their arms around each other and were kissing,” an insider tells In Touch. “They are totally dating and aren’t afraid to show it.”

Yeah, so, ya know, fuck that. I’ve been trying to land Adam Duritz for the past decade, this chick is already married to someone else, and then she swoops in and steals him? And she’s 23 years old? Fuck. That. Shit. Adam, this be some booollshit. This girl was in preschool when August and Everything After came out. She probably just started her period last year. Her husband probably had to teach her how to put a tampon in. She doesn’t appreciate you the way that I do. Adam, baby, she just got divorced. Did I mention she’s 23? Where do you see this going? It’s silly, pookie. Stop wasting your time and come cuddle up with me in bed. We can do a different kind of duet — you will sing along to your albums while my mouth is otherwise occupied. Sound better than a Parks & Recreation concert? I thought so.

Oh, and Emmy? Watch your back, beyotch.

Normally there is absolutely nothing to say about this girl, but it was adorable when she brought her puppy, Cinnamon, to a benefit for the Best Friends Animal Society in LA.

I love how people always hold their puppies like that in photographs. I mean, we do it so the dog is facing the camera and he’s “standing up,” like a person, but in reality all this pose does is show off your dog’s weiner. I have a million pics of me and Leo like this, and I’m kind of embarrassed to show them to people, because it’s like, “Here’s me, here’s my dog, and here’s my dog’s penis. Do you want a framed copy or what?”

Our budding Humanitarian of the Year showed up at yet another charity function: Helio’s Summer Celebration, benefiting Heal the Bay. HTB is a “nonprofit environmental organization dedicated to making Southern California coastal waters and watersheds, including Santa Monica Bay, safe, healthy and clean.”

The event was hosted by Amy Smart and Emmy Rossum, but I’m sure Paris commanded the majority of the attention. A bespectacled Rumer Willis made an appearance, as did Lindsay Lohan’s summer 2006 love, Harry Morton, who we haven’t seen in quite some time.

With Emmy Rossum at the Giffoni Hollywood Festival Awards. Emmy looks stunning. Rob looks … um … short.