Damn, I gotta admit this is a super-hot track. Probably the most awesome diss track I’ve ever heard. In fairness, Mariah started it, with her “Obsessed” song and the video that clearly targeted Em. But Eminem is following suit, with a full-length diss track called “The Warning.” He talks some serious smack about Mariah — calling her a whore, a liar and an alcoholic — and threatens to release naked photos of her if she denies anything he says in the track. To cap it all off, he samples some Mariah shit off what I think is a studio session they did together. Oh, and he calls Nick Cannon a “faggot.” Lovely, just lovely. Seriously, though, love him or hate him — you gotta admit Em’s a genius. This is a truly brilliant diss track.

Remind me never to date a rapper.

I, for one, have had it with these two. 

Eminem has played answering machine tapes of Mariah from when they briefly dated, told a radio station that he pissed on her, and referred to her in his song “Bagpipes from Baghdad.”

See Mariah above, filming the video for her new song “Obsessed.”  Is there any doubt that she’s spoofing Em?

I’m so sick of both of them.

It’s been officially confirmedby Scott Aukerman, the head writer for the MTV Movie Awards:  The Bruno and Eminem bit was totally staged.  He wrote on his blog, “Yes, the Bruno/Eminem incident was staged. That’s all anyone wants to talk about, so let’s get it out of the way.  They rehearsed it at dress and yes, it went as far as it did on the live show then.  Okay, you can stop reading this blog now!”

I’ve witnessed so much debate and commentary on this over the past couple days since the broadcast.  A lot of people thought Em’s tantrum was the real deal.  People, Eminem has been subjected to far morerepulsive and offensive things than Sacha Baron Cohen’s testicles without storming out of the room;  he did date Mariah Carey, after all.

“I was the worst kind of addict, a functioning addict. I was so deep into my addiction at one point that I couldn’t picture myself being able to do anything without some kind of drug. The deeper I got into my addiction, the tighter the lid got on my creativity. When I got sober the lid just came off. In seven months I accomplished more than I could accomplish in three or four years doing drugs.”

Eminem, in an interview with the New York Times about his new album, Relapse, and the drug addiction/recovery that preceded it.

Lindsay Lohan, are you taking notes?

Last week, Wendie wrote about the supposed feud that’s been brewing between Nick Cannon and Eminem over some lyrics in Eminem’s new single “Bagpipes from Baghdad” and a few wet and wild comments he made about Cannon’s wife, Mariah Carey, on his satellite radio show. Cannon had initially posted a blog entry on his website, basically calling Slim Shady out for fisticuffs. But now he’s saying that in spite of his harsh words towards Shady, there is no feud between the two of them.

“I felt like I said what I had to say,” Cannon said. “I didn’t take [the post] down, like, ‘Oh, somebody instructed me to do it’ or anything like that. It was just one of those things, like, I said it.”

As for the real reason he took the post down, Cannon said it had to do with the traffic to his Web site, which “pretty much crashed my site. There’d be thousands and thousands of comments and people couldn’t leave comments on other posts or any of that stuff. So that was the only reason why I took it down.”

And while noted that he doesn’t have any regrets about what he said — “I feel exactly the same way by it and stick by everything, but I think it’s one of those things where it becomes that it’s not really that big of a deal, you know?” — he did say he has no beef with the MC.

“I never even considered it as beef,” he said. “It’s not beef. It’s just, Hey, I heard the record. I said what I had to say.”

So, if it’s not beef, what is it? Tofurkey? I can’t imagine that if some guy says horrible things about your wife in one of his songs and then claims to have pissed on her you would just let that drop.

“Tony Romo is one of my favorite quarterbacks. I don’t think he’s my favorite — but he’s certainly one of my favorites. So I felt kinda conflicted doing the Jessica thing. [But] Jessica got fat. I mean, not really fat, but she certainly got fat for … well, Jessica Simpson got fat for Jessica Simpson! You know what I mean? I’ve always wanted people to be able to look back at each video and go, ‘Oh, remember what was going on at that moment!’ You know what I mean? ‘Oh, that’s when Jessica Simpson got fat.’ ‘Oh, OK!’ And even if she gets thin again, that’s fine. But for that moment in time, she was fat.”

Eminem, on his decision to mock Jessica Simpson’s size in the video for “We Made You.” (Video above)

I know that Eminem says he’s sober, but I dunno.

Last month he got things stirred up when he released his new single-an ode to Mariah Carey, whom he briefly dated in 2003- “Bagpipes from Baghdad” which had lyrics that went something like, “Nick Cannon better back the f*** up. I’m not playing, I want her back, you punk. Nick Cannon, you pr**k, I wish you luck with that f***in’ whore.”   You can imagine how much Mr. Mariah Carey liked that.  He’s vowed that there will be “repercussions.”  I think that’s code for, “I’m sending her back to you, Em.”

Eminem must not feel too threatened by Nick Cannon since he isn’t done yet.  While taking calls on his Shade 45 satellite radio station, Em said, “We’re taking callers right now (from) any woman who wants to be peed on.”   When asked what he would say if Mariah called in, he replied, “I already did that.”

So, Mariah, does returning Marshall Mathers’ call six years ago get filed under Biggest Mistake of Your Life, or what?

Hello my friends. Posting is going to be slow from me this afternoon. Do you want to know why? My fabulous friend Laremy brought an old-school Nintendo into the Film.com offices today. I am playing Duck Hunt and old-school Mario Brothers for the first time in, oh, 15 or 16 years? And can I just tell you guys that I am still pretty damn good? I made it through about seven levels on my first try before my little Mario died. I don’t remember a damn thing I learned in elementary school, but I still remember where the secret tunnels are on Mario. How disturbing is that?

Less disturbing is the fact that Eminem has finally sobered up and is talking publicly about his battle with addiction and his recovery, to promote his new album, Relapse. “It’s no secret I had a drug problem,” he says in a new interview. “If I was to give you a number of Vicodin I would actually take in a day? Anywhere between 10 to 20. Valium, Ambien, the numbers got so high I don’t even know what I was taking.”

Em talks about his ongoing feud with his mother, who was also a drug addict. “It never once hit me that drug addiction runs in my family,” he says. “Now that I understand that I’m an addict, I definitely have compassion for my mother. I get it.”

And as for recording this latest album while sober? “I wanted to make an overall statement — I’m back. It was a slow process. You gotta remember I hadn’t recorded a song sober in seven years. So it took me awhile to even feel like I could record a song sober … I don’t know the last time I shot a video sober, without drinking or taking anything. It’s been years. I almost feel like a little kid again with rap. I wanna play around with different flows. If I don’t feel like it’s what I’m fully capable of, if there’s one weak line, I wanna change it. Rap was my drug. It used to get me high and then it stopped getting me high. Then I had to resort to other things to make me feel that. Now rap’s getting me high again.”

Awww, this actually brings a little smile to my face. It’s so nice to see celebs addressing these problems, staying sober, and succeeding. And judging by the singles that have leaked, Relapse is looking to be quite the hit. Congrats on this, Marshall.

OK. Back to my little Mario and the ducks.

Who the hell releases a trailer for a music video?

Marshall Mathers, that’s who.

Eminem released a trailer of his video for “3 A.M.” as promotion for his new album, Relapse. In it, Em plays some sort of psychotic homicidal dude in what looks like a Blaire Witch remake with even worse videography. Seriously I can only hope that the final scene in this video involves Eminem standing in the corner of a basement mumbling to himself.

Here’s the latest video from Eminem, for his new single titled “We Made You.”

It occurred to me as I was watching this that Eminem is basically the rapper version of Kathy Griffin. Like, while all the other rappers are talking about fighting with the cops and makin’ it in the ‘hood and gettin’ shot down, Eminem’s all like, “Okay, okay, okay. So this Lindsay Lohan. She’s lost a lot of weight. Due to diet and Pilates and crack. Without the diet and Pilates.” I mean, really, this is just Kathy Griffin’s schtick if you made it rhyme.

I am told by a reader that the man who plays Britney Spears in this video is the same dude who did an impersonation of her on America’s Got Talent last year. I wouldn’t even want to begin the process of confirming that, so I’ll leave it as an exercise for the reader.

Just for fun, I embedded below a clip of Kathy Griffin doing standup about Lindsay Lohan awhile back. Last week, however, the comedienne said she was likely to take Lindsay jokes out of her routine. “I’m more likely to make fun of Lindsay Lohan a year ago,” she says. “She was clubbing every night with the girlfriend and, like, DJing — but now it seems like she’s in the throes of real trouble … It feels like kicking her when she’s down. Believe it or not, I might kind of take her out for the time being. That’s a little hard to find the comedy in.”

Thanks Tako!

Eminem is back with a video for his new release “We Made You,” and like a little vanishing freckle I have had on my hand since birth, I didn’t realize how much I missed him until he returned.  Any masterpiece that mocks Jessica Alba, Bret Michaels and Lindsay Lohan is an automatic favorite of mine.

And speaking of celebrities I can’t tolerate, I am working on my Mischa Barton tribute as promised.  I’m aware that Chris Brown’s case could technically still end up with a plea bargain, but I can’t have this Sword of Damocles hanging over my head for one more day.  My word is my bond, so out of integrity, I will be doing this.  I may be on a morphine drip whilst crafting my essay, but it will be done.  I’m currently watching Mischa footage on YouTube in hopes of finding some ray of light upon which I can focus on and translate into two hundred positive and love-filled words.  This is my punishment for over-confidence.

Oh, and I’m not sure that Eminem is ever really suitable for work, so consider yourself warned.  Especially if your employer takes issue with mechanical Kim Kardashian asses.  I’m just sayin’…