Beet told us the other day that Dustin Diamond, better known as Saved by the Bell’s Screech, has bundled together a collection of his delusions and found a publisher willing to call it a book.

This morning Double D (and he is a complete boob) was on Fox 5 to plug his new book.  He shared a story of when an extra on the SBTB set irritated him and he responding by pissing in her purse.  Oh. The. Hilarity.

If you saw Double D on VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club, you know that he’s a big fat liar (emphasis on fat since he kept leaving the show every other episode), but I’d still buy his book just to see what type of shit he’s trying to peddle.  Well, I’d buy his book if I could get it on my Kindle.  For … like, a quarter.

“We weren’t in rehab and Mr. Belding wasn’t my crack dealer.”

Mark-Paul Gosselaar, responding to accusations Dustin “Screech” Diamond makes in his latest attempt to salvage his finances and his fame with no thought of salvaging his dignity. Screech has “written” a “memoir” called Behind the Bell, about his days on the set of Saved by the Bell. Us Weekly has a sneak peak at all the fabricated dirt:

He also alleges costar Mark Paul Gosselaar — who played popular Zack Morris — used steroids before production started on 1994’s short-lived Saved by the Bell: The College Years.

“He suddenly exploded with manliness, loading 25 pounds of muscle on his once-scrawny frame in, oh, about a month,” says Diamond, who is not in touch with any of his costars. …

Diamond — who filed for bankruptcy in 2001 and had his own sex tape released in 2006 — goes on to say his costars hooked up off-camera.

“If Kelly [Tiffani Thiessen] was interested in Slater [Mario Lopez] one week, then backstage there was a lot going between them in Mario [Lopez]’s room,” he tells the new Us Weekly. “Then, if Jessie [Elizabeth Berkley] kisses Zack, then you know Elizabeth Berkley is going in Mark-Paul’s room.”

I don’t know how much if any of this is even remotely true, but, even if it is, like, let me get this straight: These uber-attractive teenagers who had basically no social circle or life outside of that cast hooked up with one another? Often switching partners? GASP. I mean, I’d always surmised that some crazy shit went on in that greenroom, but teenagers hooking up? I’m sickened, just sickened. I have to buy the book now so I can find out what other juicy tidbits are in there. I bet one time Elizabeth Berkeley asked Tiffani Thiessen if she could borrow a tampon and Tiffani was all like, “Sure, but I thought you just finished your period?” and then Elizabeth Berkeley was like, “Oh, no, I’m not on my period. I just need this one to masturbate with.” BOOM!

Ohhhhhhhhhhh hells yes!!!!

A very bright spot in a looooong week of boring, boring news.

Dustin Diamond, aka Screech Powers, is going to publish a tell-all about life behind the scenes at Saved by the Bell. The book is called Behind the Bell, and promises to detail “sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying.”

You know he’s just bitter because none of these “sexual escapades” involved him.

Still.

I will read this book the second it hits shelves.