Because if I can’t blog about the retarded shit celebs did today, the terrorists have already won.

• David Spade and Heather Locklear are dunzo; her latest boy-toy is a Colorado realtor with a striking resemblance to Joe Simpson. But I adore her, so I’m setting down my bat and walking away from the soft ball.
• Sean “Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy” Combs has to ditch the “Diddy” in Britain after a music producer there sues him over the name.
• Dana Plato’s son files a wrongful death suit againt the Diff’rent Strokes star’s former fiance. Time to update that True Hollywood Story, E!
• Black Eyed Peas singer Stacy “Fergie” Ferguson reluctantly admits to being on meth and Kids Incorporated. I’m pretty sure I know which one is more damaging to her image.
  
• For those of you who were staying up nights wondering, Lindsay Lohan’s stolen-and-returned Birkin bag had nothing missing. Except, you know, probably the drugs.
  

As long as we’re on the topic of people who’ve hooked up with Brad Pitt…

Kirsten Dunst put the coke back in her inhaler for long enough to talk to Britain’s News of the World about how lucky she is that she doesn’t do coke.

Seriously.

Listen to some choice quotes:

• “Jake and I couldn’t last. He’s a stay-at-home boy and I’m an out-on-the-town girl. We tried to spice things up — we had sex in cars, in the bathroom and even by the sea. The only place we didn’t have the guts to try was in a walkway in a hotel because we thought we might get kicked out if we were caught.”

• “Jake was the love of my life. He was, is and always will be. Despite what has happened, though, I still have this whole fairytale vision in my head because I was brought up on movies and storybooks that say I’m going to find my soulmate, get married and have a perfect life. Maybe one day that will be with Jake. Maybe I’m a weird girl and I just needed a good freak to match me.”
  

• Regarding the filming of her lastest movie, Marie Antoinette: “After filming I’d just go home and pass out. I’d have a glass of champagne, which I would never normally do. I mean, who drinks champagne before they go to bed?”
  

• “When I came off set it would be like a weight had lifted off my chest. You know, I’m lucky I’m not at some bar at night doing coke because I was so messed up.”

You know, Shakespeare had a quote about this sort of thing. Something about “doth” and “protesting.” I can’t quite recall the details. But either this Marie Antoinette movie is a real snoozer, or that Kirsten had a little help in getting her tongue untied, if ya know what I mean.

Ugh. I am, like, soooo late on the draw with this one. So a recap.

Lindsay Lohan’s Birkin was stolen at Heathrow airport, which was, like, recently the target of some manner of foiled terrorist plot, so it’s nice to see they’ve really driven security into high gear over there. Lindsay cried because if there’s anything that sucks worse than losing a Hermes bag containing over $1M in jewelry and your asthma inhaler, it’s losing a Hermes bag containing over $1M in jewelry and the rest of your cocaine. You’d cry, too.

Don’t panic yet, folks; the bag was recently found in a parking lot near Heathrow, after whoever stole it realized that it’s a lot harder to sell jewelry and a handbag on the black market when everyone in the nearest 19 countries knows you stole them from Lindsay Lohan this morning. But you know what tastes the same in every language? Yeah. Don’t count on getting that “inhaler” back, Linds.

Every day I get such a kick at looking at the search terms that guide you people to this site. I always feel a little bad when you end up here searching for something I don’t offer. So in an attempt to remedy this (and because I think it’s funny), I am going to start a semi-regular segment in which I address these search terms and attempt to provide the appropriate content. So here are some of my recent favorites:

stephen colletti shirtless

Judging from these samples, it’s not a real shocker that the Internet doesn’t abound with such monstrosities. A distended belly and what looks like the beginnings of eczema. You sure were lucky to score that shit, Kristin. You’re so pretty. Search tip: using quotation marks in Google — “stephen colletti shirtless” — produces better results.

Lark Voorhees pics

More than one of you has shown up here using these terms. I am sad for you. But I couldn’t figure out why you didn’t just click the images tab in Google, until I tried to do it myself. Here’s a hint for all of us: spell it “Voorhies,” because, you know, it turns out that’s how she does.

Stephen Colletti bong

Here’s a beer bong, it’s the best I can do. I can, however, pretty much assure you that Stephen Colletti smokes weed. Is that what you wanted to hear? Is it? Okay then.

Jason Wahler break up cocaine

You’re awfully specific, aren’t you? I’ve actually had quite a number of you show up here via some combination of “Jason Wahler” and “cocaine.” Well, Jason Wahler did break up with Lauren Conrad (or was it the other way around? Hm. I guess we’ll find out next season.) Does Jason Wahler do cocaine? Hm. Now I don’t want to go around all allege-y and whatnot, but if you all typed it into Google, perhaps you know something that I won’t print.

“white wife”

I hear they have them in Russia, dude.