So thank goodness her new boyfriend, Douche Reinhardt, got her a baby teacup Pomeranian for her 28th birthday, in addition to a bunch of other shit she’ll just end up dumping on the household help.

“He probably got me more presents than any guy ever,” she said in Las Vegas before a belated birthday celebration Saturday at the Hard Rock Hotel’s Body English. “He’s sweet.”

That’s right, Paris. The older you get, the more men just naturally assume your affections are something to be bought. You’ve grown into that “I’m kind of a whore” vibe so effortlessly.

Anyway, Paris and Doug sucked face all over Vegas this weekend in celebration of P-Dog getting a full year less relevant. Here are some pics from her most recent party, at Body English at the Hard Rock. Ya know what’s funny? Back in the day, a Paris Hilton birthday party would have more A-list celebs in attendance than Paris could count on her labia folds. But this weekend? Pretty much just Paris and The Douche. Que triste!

What else would you call a man willing to risk what could be a fiery case of the herpes and Reverse Wonky-eye-itis* just to be marginally famous?

You can practically see Reinhardt talking himself through this photo session. “Yeah, nice nice. Flex the pecs! FLEX. THE. PECS. God, you’re so hawt right now!” Usually Paris is the one shamelessly giving the camera her ‘O’ face, but Dougie saw a chance and took it!

Looking at these pics, I can’t shake the feeling that Doug’s at an audtion that nobody else knows about.

(* Reverse Wonky-eye-itis is when you try so hard to make eye contact with a wonky-eyed person that your eyes get screwed up. )

Awww, how sweet.

Paris Hilton and her boyfriend, The Hills star Douche Doug Reinhardt, partied it up in WeHo last night, attending Whitney Port’s birthday party and then sucking face in the car afterward.

These two deserve each other!

Meanwhile, The Hills producer Liz Gateley is confirming that Lauren Conrad is leaving the show after season five, but she says they’re working on ways to continue production without her.

Could Paris and Doug be the new main characters? I really can’t decide if that would be more or less nauseating than Heidi and Spencer.

Paris and her irrelevant boyfriend Doug Reinhardt showed up in LA at Teddy’s nightclub Saturday night.  They made a point of hanging on each other and making out-all in front of Reinhardt’s ex, Amanda Bynes, who also happened to be there.  Bynes chose to ignore the two dancing STDs and carried on with her evening.

Don’t you remember creating drama like this when you were, like, fifteen?  Sigh…Paris is such a useless sperm receptacle at this point.

Paris should just move to Japan. They love her so much there. And they don’t watch The Hills, so they don’t know what a douche Doug Reinhardt is.

Paris spent the day tooling around Tokyo with new flame Doug, promoting her fashion line, Honey Bunch. It is my understanding that this is a Japan-only brand. People are making it seem like she designs the line, but, based on the Japanese sites I’ve looked at (hooray for Google translate!), it appears she’s just the spokesmodel. This is what they say on the website for Shibuya 109, a major Tokyo department store that sells Honey Bunch:

The trend for this autumn is the “Marilyn Monroe Look”! As Paris Hilton has become the promotion model for “The Honey Bunch”, she has not only transformed herself into the widely-popular Marilyn Monroe, a much-loved icon by ladies all around the world, but has also become a symbol for sexy-casual style. Some popular trends here include comfortable-fitting suits and pleated skirts.

Uhhh, I don’t know that Paris has exactly transformed herself into Marilyn Monroe. She’s missing, ya know, the curves. But I’m sure she’s making an insane amount of cash for this — Paris isn’t passe in Tokyo yet — and I bet she even made the company pay for Doug’s ticket out to Japan. Why wouldn’t he come? It’s not like he had anything better to do.

So I just ran these photos of Paris Hilton landing at Narita Airport in Japan. A few minutes later, I came across the same set of photos from a different photo provider … and I swear that is Doug Reinhardt from The Hills in the background there. The photo agency doesn’t have him tagged, but I am 99% sure that’s him.

Doug is Amanda Bynes’ ex-boyfriend, and he’s been rumored to be dating Paris for a couple weeks now.

I guess it’s for real if she’s dragging him along with her to Tokyo!

Is she “in love” again???

Oooh!

In an effort to remain relevant for 20 more seconds, total douchetard Doug Reinhardt is telling his side of the Amanda Bynes break-up story, claiming he ended the relationship.

“She wouldn’t even let me have a guys’ night out without flipping out on me,” Doug said to E!. “So it’s over.”

A source close to the douchetard said Doug told Amanda he was having “a night out with the boys” on Wednesday. Around 2 a.m., Amanda showed up unannounced at Doug’s house and banged on the door. Doug wasn’t home, and she freaked out, and now it’s over.

Whatever, either this guy is going to find a new starlet to cozy up to, or he’ll be crawling back to Amanda. This guy is Spencer Pratt v2.0, people, I’m telling you. He can’t stand to not be famous.