Paris and Douche Reinhardt are having a lover’s getaway on some secret island where the paps can’t find them — but that didn’t stop me from tracking down some pictures of her and Doug sucking face all over the island. We get it, Paris. You guys are in love, and it’s the real thing. Just like it was the real thing with Benji. That relationship was going to last forever. Just like this one is, dear.

I often wonder if the people at RadarOnline are just nuts-because who really lives their life like this- but then I remember it’s Paris and read on.  They are reporting that a huge brawl broke out over…Paris’ rack.  And again, I felt the same feeling I experience multiple times every day and thought to myself, “Wait-didn’t I write this already?”  And I did.

So, yeah, some dude grabbed Paris’ rack, bottle throwing and general melee-like activity ensued while Paris danced on a table to her own song, Stars are Blind.  Why does Paris’ life so frequently sound like a 30 Rock episode?

In an ongoing attempt to keep the Swine flu contained, all parties that had physical contact with Hilton received massive doses of antibiotics as a preventative measure.  Okay, that last part is a lie.

Here’s RadarOnline’s version of how the events unfolded:

In one of the wildest scenes we’ve seen in a long, long time, Paris Hilton and boyfriend Doug Reinhardt were at the center of brawl early Tuesday morning in the club h.wood in Los Angeles.

A little after 1 a.m., while Paris and Doug were dancing a man came up to Paris and grabbed her chest, eyewitnesses told RadarOnline.com. Doug immediately pushed the guy away, but the groper’s pal then threw a beer bottle at Doug’s head. (He missed.)

The club’s promoter grabbed the bottle thrower and put him in a headlock. At the same time, in all the chaos, someone pushed Paris, who fell into a group of people. Those people converged around Paris to keep her safe from the fighting.

Meanwhile, Doug was punching the bottle thrower, who was still in a headlock and they ended up on the floor together. The guy who started it all by grabbing Paris’ chest joined in and was punching Doug.

Pretty good celebrity brawl so far, right? Wait, there’s more!

Frankie Delgado jumped into the action (literally jumping over people), and kicked the fight-starting, boob-grabber in the head. People were screaming in fear. (Ok, ok, that was us. But we heard other people screaming too!)

Club security rushed over but the fight continued even as they tried to break it up. Lotsa fighters got tossed from the club when it was all sorted out.

And in typical bizarre Hollywood fashion, as the fight was going on, the DJ put on “Stars Are Blind.” Yup, that’s the song by Paris. And while her boyfriend was out there trying to kick butt and protect her honor, she got up on a table and started dancing to her own song!

Paris Hilton and Douche Reinhardt got straight to texting after they landed at Schipol Airport in Amsterdam today. Don’t worry, he took time out later on to hold her hands for the photogs. I’m not entirely sure what Paris is doing in Amsterdam, but I’m confident that she won’t be smoking weed. After all, Paris Hilton doesn’t do drugs. Ever.

Perez Hilton held his 31st birthday party yesterday at the Viper Room nightclub in West Hollywood. For someone who talks a lot of trash about celebrities, making juvenile comments about their love lives and appearances, a lot of them showed up at his party. This means that I can still hold out hope that Clive Owen will turn up at my 31st birthday party, no matter how big of a bitch I am on this blog.

Paris Hilton & boyfriend Doug Reinhardt, Amanda Bynes, Steve-O, and a very different looking Ashley Tisdale (holding hands with a lady friend) were in attendance, amongst others. The Jonas Brothers “rushed over” from the Kid’s Choice awards to sing Happy Birthday, and Christina Aguilera did her best Marilyn Monroe impression of a breathy “Happy Birthday Mr. Perez-ident.”

“I’m not thrilled with the number 31,” Hilton, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira, said on the pink carpet in front of the Viper Room nightclub. “But I am super excited that, right now, I’m happier in my life than I ever have been before.”

Hilton bragged that the first gift he received was from “High School Musical” heartthrob Zac Efron.

“He sent me a bottle of champagne to my hotel room, which made me squeal like a little school girl,” he gushed.

Party attendee Paris Hilton seems to have contracted Victoria Beckham’s “Every Day I Look More and More Like a Robot” disease. Note the cut on boyfriend Reinhardt’s lip, a souvenir of Friday night’s scuffle with a bodyguard at Fontainebleau.

I read this story about Doug Reinhardt and Paris Hilton potentially having babies and it has left me with so many unanswered questions.  When two douches reproduce, what are their babies called?  Are they mini-Massengills?  Demi-douches?  Douchettes?  Victims?  Do you feed them with a douche bottle?  And, what do the parents use to carry the Pampers and Desitin?  Douche bags?

In Touch just needs to shut the fuck up and not even write these stories if they aren’t going to get the answers to the most obvious of questions that every reader must be asking themselves.  I really consider them to be the most irresponsible of journalists today.

Nicole’s longtime BFF, Paris Hilton, 28, may be joining the mom club now that she’s serious with The Hills’ Doug Reinhardt. “Paris would make a great mom — she’s my Angel Princess. I’d love to have some mini Parises one day,” Doug told In Touch at LA’s MyHouse on March 20. “I’d love to have children, that’s what completes your life,” added Paris. Doug, 23, is also a better fit than her ex Benji Madden. “She thought she could look past his tattoos and piercings, but Paris wants her children to have a clean-cut father,” says an insider. “And they’re crazy about each other.”

Paris Hilton is wearing a large “D’ around her neck as she and fellow famewhore Douche Reinhardt parade their “true love” all over Hawaii.

We all know she’s not falling in love with this douchebag.

So what does the “D” stand for, in Paris’s mind?

Paris Hilton and Douche Reinhardt spent yesterday frolicking around Maui sucking face and posing pretty for the cameras.

I’m sure this is true love.

Just like Paris’s love with Benji Madden was the real thing.