Ummmm I think I speak for all of us when I say “WHERE THE HELL IS LINDSAY LOHAN???”

Pictures of the starlet have been exceedingly rare these days. It’s really, really starting to bother me. I look forward every day to the new pics of Lindsay and/or Samantha, and it’s been depressing lately when I check the photo agencies and all they have is pics of Paris and Douche. Seriously, I’m sparing you guys from the worst of it. There are like 500 new pics of these two every single day now. It’s nauseating. They’re currently in NYC promoting Paris’s latest BFF show. Paris filmed Letterman today. I’m sure it was fascinating.

COME BACK LINDSAY!!!!!!

“I don’t really mean everything I say, because I’m not totally that airhead.”  That was Paris Hilton’s unintentionally ironic answer to E!’s question, “You said on the show that you don’t want to get married.  Is that true?”

Yes, the moment we’ve all been waiting for:  Season two of Paris Hilton’s My New BFF!  It premieres tomorrow night on MTV and this installment will feature guest appearances by Kathy Griffin and Lil’ Kim as well as stripper pole challenges.

Paris also cooed that Doug is her real-life BFF because he’s talented – he’s a producer on the Dubai version (because it’s very critical that Paris have BFFs in every major country) — and he buys her presents “all the time.”  A hanger-on who buys her stuff with the money he earns from the job he’d never have if he wasn’t sleeping with her.  He sounds like a dream, really.

In their continuing practice of being as offensive as possible, Paris and her boyfriend tried having sex in a bathroom this weekend which resulted in them getting kicked off a yacht.

It all started when Elton John’s husband, David Furnish invited Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt to a party being held on a friend’s yacht.  That act alone shows some serious bad judgment on the part of Furnish but it pales in comparison to the trashtastic duo.  The couple arrived and were immediately inappropriate.  Like every other public appearance they make, they immediately started making out, groping each other and sticking their tongues down each other’s throats.

That just wasn’t enough attention whoring.  They proceeded downstairs to a bathroom where things escalated before they were interrupted.  The captain was informed of what was going on and had them kicked off the still docked ship.  Yes!

In fairness to Paris, she’s a simple thing.  She was on a boat, saw a door that had a sign on it that read “head” and obediently proceeded.  She’s really not to blame.

And now comes the point in the evening where I take a break from playing Punch Out to look at pictures of celebrities in expensive, but not always beautiful clothing.

Several celebs turned out for the amfAR Cinema Against AIDS Dinner held as part of the Cannes Film Festival. I wish I were the kind of person who opts not to say snarky things about celebrities when they’re actually doing something good and magnanimous, if not exactly altruistic. But let’s be realistic here– if I were that kind of person, I wouldn’t be writing for this blog.

While there were some attractive, well-appointed attendees– Claudia Schiffer looked adorable and Robert Pattinson actually managed to look alluring, not creepy– there were just as many couture trainwrecks.

Diane Kruger fell into one of those giant layer cakes that strippers pop out of and liked the feeling of buttercream between her tits so much that she decided to cover it in fabric and wear it to dinner. Zoe Saldana, who plays Uhura in the new Star Trek movie, couldn’t find a suitable dress, so she cut the tops off of several pairs of extra extra large nude pantyhose, draped them around her shoulders, tied them in a knot, and hoped no one would notice.

Meanwhile, Paris Hilton showed up wearing something that looked like a tinfoil cupcake wrapper mated with the seashell themed accessories decorating your Aunt Dee-Dee’s bathroom. She then proceeded to spread her legs and lean at awkward, 70 degree angles– either because she was posing for photos or because someone was holding a limbo contest just off camera.

In all seriousness, amfAR is a worthy cause, and I’m glad that these celebs took time out of their busy schedules of partying and wearing fancy dresses to party and wear fancy dresses for a cause. I just question the choice of fancy dresses.

Here’s Paris and Doug Reinhardt sucking face around Cannes.  I was thinking of a caption something like “When two douches collide,” but I welcome suggestions.

I’m sorry to start off your Monday Tuesday (it’s been a long weekend) morning in such a jarring fashion, but what was that huge, blinding atrocity seen on Paris Hilton’s unmanicured digit last night in Cannes?  No, I’m not referring to the herpes lesion.  We need to discuss the ring.  Does this mean that Paris and Doug Reinhardt are engaged?  Might Paris actually have found her soulless mate?

It’s clear that Paris’ attention is held by sparkly things — how else could we explain the dress? — so I’d say we’ve got six months before the inevitable and dramatic break up happens.  Though last month when asked about their future, Doug replied ”You never know,” and Paris replied “He’s going to be my husband.”  Maybe she was right.

Don’t mess with rich people, yo!

Paris Hilton’s been spending an awful lot of time at the Hollywood Hills home of her new boyfriend, Douche Reinhardt. And it’s been a typical Paris scene — loud parties, police getting called, paparazzi everywhere. Doug’s neighbors are SO over this, and they’re offering Doug’s landlord big bucks to give him the boot:

We’ve learned the neighbor (who we have been asked not to ID) has written a letter to the landlord of the place Paris and her BF Doug Reinhardt are living in — offering to pay the landlord $5,000 a month more than he’s getting now … if he gives Paris and Doug the boot.

The neighbor says Hiltie is ruining his life. She’s lived there a grand total of 5 days … already cops have been called twice because of loud parties, screaming and yelling, and vandalism.

The house in the Hollywood Hills had been listed at $22,000 a month. So the neighbor is willing to give the landlord $27,000 a month if Paris goes away.

And get this … we’re told the neighbor complained to Doug yesterday about all the ruckus since Paris moved in. Doug said, “This is what you have to expect because Paris and I are public figures.”

Does anyone else find it wildly amusing that someone would pay $22K a month to RENT a house? I mean, do you know what kind of house you could BUY for that kind of money? Even in LA? And it’s not like Doug’s living in LA temporarily — he knows he’s there for the long haul. So why rent at that price? I don’t care how rich you are, that’s just poor financial decision-making.

Anyway. Paris and Doug aren’t even home right now. They’re in Cannes, living it up and bothering the French neighbors.