Check out Donald Trump promoting Celebrity Apprentice on Mike and Juliet this morning.

God, I hope this show bombs. I am so over this asshole.

I just caught the first episode tonight.

DRAMALICIOUS!!

Okay, you guys, here’s the set-up: Miss Teen USA Katie Blair (who’s not Miss Teen USA right now, but was when they filmed this), Miss USA Rachel Smith and Miss Universe Riyo Mori are all living together in Trump Towers.

Katie, as you’ll recall, was all BFF with Tara Conner (aka Mess USA) before she went to rehab. I guess Katie was the one who turned Tara in to the Miss Universe Organization for drug use, thus leading to that whole scandal. Tara thinks Katie did it because Katie thought Tara was moving in on Katie’s boyfriend.

So, to be a huge asshole (and for ratings), Donald Trump announces to the girls that he’s bringing Tara back into the Miss Universe organization, as a sort of mentor for the other girls.

In typical beauty queen style, the girls are all acting like this is cool with them, but this is sooooooooo dick of him, especially to Miss USA, because this really is supposed to be her year. Plus there’s all this tension between Tara and Katie. There is gonna be some SERIOUS beauty queen dramz, you guys!!

Donald Trump is SUCH an asshole. But he is SO smart about this stuff!

Oooooooooh. I LOVE this show already!!!!

Okay, okay. Uncle. I had no plans to watch or care about Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice, which is currently slated to feature boring D-listers Jim Cramer, Carmen Electra, Joan Rivers, Naomi Judd, George Foreman, Omarosa (from the original season of Apprentice), Kimora Lee Simmons, Pete Rose, Dana Patrick, Tony Hawk and Jeff Gordon (I don’t know who half those people are, but haven’t most of them done The Surreal Life already?), but now that Mr. Trump is talking about bringing on Britney, Paris and Lindsay, I’m paying attention.

“We’re negotiating with Britney right now. Can you imagine her doing it?” says Trump. “We’re not sure what will happen. She’s a [bleep]ing mess. And that little reality show she had did nothing. But she likes the idea of being on television and I think she’d be great.”

Hey. I liked Chaotic. Watching stoned people is always funny.

He says that Paris Hilton “wants to be on, and we’re thinking about it, but I don’t know if we’re going to do it.”

And as for Lindsay? “Another [bleep]ing mess. We haven’t asked her yet, but I’m going to call her this week. It would a positive thing for her to do . . . for all of them.” Um … I think Lohan’s upcoming jail stint may conflict with the filming schedule.

Hilton’s new crisis rep, Mike Sitrick, said he hadn’t heard of any deal in progress, which is probably because Donald Trump is making all of this up in order to get us talking about his show, which no one is going to watch because, come on, people, VH1 already has the monopoly on D-list trainwreck voyeurism. But, Donald, you have my word: if you can get Britney Spears on this thing, I will watch it. I will write about. So make it happen, buddy.

Here’s Ivanka Trump, celebrating her cover of Stuff magazine, the poor man’s alternative to Maxim. She’s on the cover of the fall fashion issue. The event was held at Trump Tower, and Donald was there with her on the carpet, as he’s certainly not one to pass up an opportunity to use his daughter’s sex appeal to further his own fame.

This is nice and all, but I love that this is happening as Stuff magazine is probably folding. From the Hollywood Reporter:

The future owners of Dennis Publishing’s men’s titles plan to fold Stuff as a standalone magazine in the fall and make it a section in flagship Maxim, sources told Mediaweek. No word on the fate of Stuff’s staffers.

The news hardly comes as a shock; it was widely expected Stuff would take a different form after it was sold, along with Dennis Publishing’s other U.S. men’s titles, to private equity firm Quadrangle Group, in a $240-plus million deal. Alpha Media Group, the new name for Dennis Publishing’s men’s titles, is expected to close on the deal as early as next week.

Dennis launched Stuff as a smaller-circ, shopping-focused title, to block Emap’s FHM from gaining ground on Maxim by offering advertisers a lower-cost alternative to Maxim. But Stuff has teetered between the red and black, and FHM folded late last year, leading some to question Stuff’s reason for being.

First you killed The Apprentice, Ivanka, and now Stuff magazine? What are you going to destroy next? Hm, maybe you should spend more time around Paris Hilton …

Despite their much-publicized feud last year, it appears The Donald is willing to go to any lengths to ensure the upcoming celebrity season of The Apprentice doesn’t bomb, including offering arch-nemesis Rosie O’Donnell a spot on the show.

Trump reportedly offered Rosie a whopping $2 million for 12 days of work on the show. The offer came through producer Mark Burnett’s office.

“I wouldn’t do it for $200 million,” Rosie responded.

Give it up, Trump. No one cares about The Apprentice anymore, and throwing a bunch of incompetent D-list celebrities into the mix isn’t going to help. If we want to see how celebrities approach a marketing and sales task, we can check out the latest videos on TMZ.com. No need to tune into NBC to watch them do the exact same thing, except with nauseating levels of product placement and your little gems of “wisdom” tossed in.

The New York Post is reporting that the 58-year-old mother of Ivanka and Donald Jr. is wearing a “ginormous” pink diamond reportedly given to her by her 35-year-old beau, Rossano Rubicondi, who, as best I can tell, is some sort of Z-list actor/model, but feel free to correct me on that. She’s reportedly begun referring to him as her “fiance.” Her rep confirmed the story, stating that “it will be officially announced when she returns from the Mediterranean.”

When asked what he knew about the story, her son, Donald Trump Jr., responded, “You probably know as much as I do.”

Meanwhile, The Donald’s out finding trouble of his own. Responding the recent Lohanigans, Donald offered the following (unsolicited) advice to the struggling starlet:

“Find what you love doing (other than drugs and alcohol), work hard, stay focused, get a new set of parents!”

Lindsay’s mother, Dina Lohan, whose attention really needs to be focused on battling Donald Trump in the press right now, shot back with the folllowing statement:

“Donald, I’m really disappointed in the statement that was brought to my attention from The New York Post. I’ve always had a great admiration for your business sense and I’ve read all your books and learned from them! Your own brother died of alcoholism and you own Trump Vodka? You say Lindsay needs new parents? Such a rash statement without backing it with fact? I am a single mother of four children doing what I can during this difficult time! Do a background check of both parents and you will find the truth! Shame on you… so many families suffer from this, yours included. We need solutions not opinions! - Dina and family”

From the man whose entire home can best be described as “gilded” comes a lesson in taste.

Trump, whose ratings-challenged Apprentice was unceremoniously dumped after this past season, is currently producing a reality series called The Lady and the Tramp for Fox. In the series, “girls in love with the party life will be sent to a charm school where they will receive a stern course on debutante manners.”

Jesus Christ, “debutante manners?” Has anyone involved in this show ever actually been to a deb ball? Trust me, by around 1 a.m. those white Vera Wang gowns are tequila-stained and residing entirely around their occupant’s shoulders, keeping her ankles company.

Says Trump: “We are all sick and tired of the glamorization of these out-of-control young women, so I have taken it upon myself to do something about it. I am creating a real-life version of ‘My Fair Lady’ with my company Trump Productions. This show is all about getting a second chance and transforming for the better; the idea is genius and the show will be huge.”

See? Modesty. Always classy.

I love how he calls everyone “a disaster.” Also, what’s up with CNN’s three-pane screen? Is it absolutely necessary that I see both Donald Trump and Wolf Blitzer from every possible angle at all points in time?