Donald Trump — who famously doesn’t drink alcohol — raises a toast at the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the Trump International Hotel & Tower in Las Vegas. Just what Las Vegas needed: another fucking hotel. Because there aren’t enough fabulously ornate edifices in that city for young girls to get wasted out of their heads and go home with old ugly dudes from Minnesota. We needed one more. Thanks, Mr. Trump.

Donald and Melania took little Barron — who turns two on March 20 — to a fundraising event for the Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in Midtown.

This is one seriously adorable child. The Donald must be pissed that another ultra-wealthy Barron — cough cough — went and got himself a DUI, proving that no matter what an absurdly elitist name you choose to award your child, you can’t stop him from eventually behaving like a human being.

Meanwhile, on the Upper West Side, Barron’s 30-year-old half-brother Donald Jr took wife Vanessa to the American Museum of Natural History’s Winter Dance, where they were joined by Anne Hathaway, Tinsley Mortimer, Jessica Stam, Amanda Hearst, Ralph Lauren, Thom Filicia, and other people who you might imagine attend any manner of “Winter Dance” after the eighth grade. I don’t even think I attended the winter dance in eighth grade. I had my parents drop me off, then promptly went behind the school to get high while I let my boyfriend get to third base. Because even at age thirteen I understood that I was way too cool for anything called a Winter Dance. Apparently these folks never got the memo.

Oh, die, Donald Trump, die!!!

Rosie O’Donnell must be a happy camper. And so am I!

Last Thursday’s Celebrity Apprentice came in at third place with only 8.2 million viewers.

That’s a 26% fall from its previous week’s premiere.

Back before we all hated the Donald with such a passion, the show could get close to 20 million viewers per episode. But no one cares about poor little Donald Trump again. NOTHING can revive this series.

YOU’RE FIRED, DONALD!!!! You should have walked away while you were on top.

I’m very curious to see what the ratings for American Idol were last night!

Is America just ready for something new????

Check out Donald Trump promoting Celebrity Apprentice on Mike and Juliet this morning.

God, I hope this show bombs. I am so over this asshole.

I just caught the first episode tonight.

DRAMALICIOUS!!

Okay, you guys, here’s the set-up: Miss Teen USA Katie Blair (who’s not Miss Teen USA right now, but was when they filmed this), Miss USA Rachel Smith and Miss Universe Riyo Mori are all living together in Trump Towers.

Katie, as you’ll recall, was all BFF with Tara Conner (aka Mess USA) before she went to rehab. I guess Katie was the one who turned Tara in to the Miss Universe Organization for drug use, thus leading to that whole scandal. Tara thinks Katie did it because Katie thought Tara was moving in on Katie’s boyfriend.

So, to be a huge asshole (and for ratings), Donald Trump announces to the girls that he’s bringing Tara back into the Miss Universe organization, as a sort of mentor for the other girls.

In typical beauty queen style, the girls are all acting like this is cool with them, but this is sooooooooo dick of him, especially to Miss USA, because this really is supposed to be her year. Plus there’s all this tension between Tara and Katie. There is gonna be some SERIOUS beauty queen dramz, you guys!!

Donald Trump is SUCH an asshole. But he is SO smart about this stuff!

Oooooooooh. I LOVE this show already!!!!

Okay, okay. Uncle. I had no plans to watch or care about Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice, which is currently slated to feature boring D-listers Jim Cramer, Carmen Electra, Joan Rivers, Naomi Judd, George Foreman, Omarosa (from the original season of Apprentice), Kimora Lee Simmons, Pete Rose, Dana Patrick, Tony Hawk and Jeff Gordon (I don’t know who half those people are, but haven’t most of them done The Surreal Life already?), but now that Mr. Trump is talking about bringing on Britney, Paris and Lindsay, I’m paying attention.

“We’re negotiating with Britney right now. Can you imagine her doing it?” says Trump. “We’re not sure what will happen. She’s a [bleep]ing mess. And that little reality show she had did nothing. But she likes the idea of being on television and I think she’d be great.”

Hey. I liked Chaotic. Watching stoned people is always funny.

He says that Paris Hilton “wants to be on, and we’re thinking about it, but I don’t know if we’re going to do it.”

And as for Lindsay? “Another [bleep]ing mess. We haven’t asked her yet, but I’m going to call her this week. It would a positive thing for her to do . . . for all of them.” Um … I think Lohan’s upcoming jail stint may conflict with the filming schedule.

Hilton’s new crisis rep, Mike Sitrick, said he hadn’t heard of any deal in progress, which is probably because Donald Trump is making all of this up in order to get us talking about his show, which no one is going to watch because, come on, people, VH1 already has the monopoly on D-list trainwreck voyeurism. But, Donald, you have my word: if you can get Britney Spears on this thing, I will watch it. I will write about. So make it happen, buddy.

Here’s Ivanka Trump, celebrating her cover of Stuff magazine, the poor man’s alternative to Maxim. She’s on the cover of the fall fashion issue. The event was held at Trump Tower, and Donald was there with her on the carpet, as he’s certainly not one to pass up an opportunity to use his daughter’s sex appeal to further his own fame.

This is nice and all, but I love that this is happening as Stuff magazine is probably folding. From the Hollywood Reporter:

The future owners of Dennis Publishing’s men’s titles plan to fold Stuff as a standalone magazine in the fall and make it a section in flagship Maxim, sources told Mediaweek. No word on the fate of Stuff’s staffers.

The news hardly comes as a shock; it was widely expected Stuff would take a different form after it was sold, along with Dennis Publishing’s other U.S. men’s titles, to private equity firm Quadrangle Group, in a $240-plus million deal. Alpha Media Group, the new name for Dennis Publishing’s men’s titles, is expected to close on the deal as early as next week.

Dennis launched Stuff as a smaller-circ, shopping-focused title, to block Emap’s FHM from gaining ground on Maxim by offering advertisers a lower-cost alternative to Maxim. But Stuff has teetered between the red and black, and FHM folded late last year, leading some to question Stuff’s reason for being.

First you killed The Apprentice, Ivanka, and now Stuff magazine? What are you going to destroy next? Hm, maybe you should spend more time around Paris Hilton …