Everyone hates her, but I guess she makes good TV. At least she used to. I don’t think anyone finds her relevant anymore, except for maybe Donald Trump, who’s hard-set on reclaiming his television success of days gone by. He’s teaming up with the crazy, divorced bitch for a dating show called Omarosa’s Ultimate Merger. Okay, first off: That’s a porn flick, not a television show. I expect someone will make the corresponding fuck film in the next couple of months, and I expect more people will watch that than this show. Omarosa’s just creepy. It’s fun to watch her be crazy every now and then, but I don’t think anyone wants to watch her try to form a meaningful human-to-human relationship. She gives me the heeby-jeebies. I guess Donald thinks otherwise.

The Apprentice’s infamous one-named villain, Omarosa, is looking for the one — with a little help from The Donald.

The ex-contestant (formerly known as Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth) will reunite with Donald Trump for a dating reality series called Omarosa’s Ultimate Merger, in which she will try to find a man out of 12 business-minded suitors, Variety reports.

“Omarosa was a great personality on The Apprentice that was watched by over 40 million people as it became the No. 1 show on TV,” Trump said. “Omarosa is smart, witty and difficult, but all of those qualities will make for some very interesting entertainment.”

The series is being made for cable’s TV One and will feature Trump doling out love advice to his former protégé. It will be filmed at the Trump International Hotel and Tower in Las Vegas.

ZOMG. So it’s airing on some no-name cable channel and it’s going to involve Donald Trump giving romantic advice? I would watch that shit from Ivana Trump, but not from Donald. That’s like creepy times a million. Who the hell wants to hear dating advice from Donald Trump? “Have you tried buying him a golf course yet? I’ve had success with that approach.”

This is going to be such a ratings catastrophe. I can’t wait.

Last night was the Celebrity Apprentice finale.  It was absolutely riveting television and I cannot believe I didn’t watch this season.  Joan Rivers won $250,000 for her charity, God’s Love We Deliver, but more importantly Joan Rivers’ face is an absolute work of art.  That thing doesn’t move.

A couple years ago, Donald weighed in on the whole Lindsay Lohan situation, which oddly enough is relatively unchanged today.  The advice he had for Lindsay was, “Find what you love doing (other than drugs and alcohol), work hard, stay focused, get a new set of parents.”  She obviously didn’t take his advice but she apparently did send him a case of her Sevin Nyne self-tanner.  Donald was distractingly orange last night.

Anyway, The Great Pumpkin is in love with himself and had a three-hour finale that seriously could have been done in sixty minutes.  Joan won.  Donald’s a tangerine.  Oh, and you could see clear through professional poker player and challenger Annie Duke’s dress.

“She better get the hell out. If she goes back, she’s a loser, and she doesn’t deserve to have any future success.”

Donald Trump, to Inside Edition, about Rihanna and Chris Brown.

Ya know, this is the first time in my whole life that I’m glad Donald Trump didn’t keep his big fat mouth shut. We’re agreed here, Mr. Trump.

Sigh.

I am SO OVER Donald Trump and this stupid show of his. If it weren’t the slowest news day in recent history (YES I KNOW THERE’S A WAR IN GAZA BUT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT CELEBRITIES) I wouldn’t even report on this.

With NBC now issuing its cue Thursday to go public, the major media can take pride at having kept the lid on names like country music’s Clint Black, TV personality Khloe Kardashian and former “Baywatch” babe Brande Roderick.

Others risking the wrath of Donald Trump in the boardroom will include Olympic figure skating gold medalist Scott Hamilton, singer Brian McKnight, comedian Tom Green and former football great Herschel Walker. Also poker champ Annie Duke, pro golfer Natalie Gulbis, “Deal or No Deal” model Claudia Jordan, singer Tionne “T-Boz” Watkins and former “Monster Garage” host Jesse James, a custom bike and car builder …

The 16 celebrities will not be vying for a job with Trump, as in past civilian “Apprentice” seasons, but instead will compete in business-oriented tasks around Manhattan to raise money for their favorite charities. (McKnight’s chosen charity is Youthville USA, while Watkins will be playing for the Sickle Cell Foundation of Georgia, and Kardashian has chosen the Brent Shapiro Foundation for Alcohol and Drug Awareness.)

Does anyone else find it totally hilarious that Khloe “DUI” Kardashian is raising funds for an alcohol and drug awareness charity? I mean, not that it’s not a great cause, it’s just a painfully obvious PR move.

Anyway, the show airs in March on a channel. I’m not telling you when and I’m not telling you what channel and please, for the love of God, don’t watch it. These people do not need your encouragement.

WHO THE FUCK IS STILL WATCHING THIS SHIT?

ZOMG.

NBC is going to be airing two hours of Celebrity Apprentice in its winter season. I haven’t watched this show in years, and I don’t plan to tune in this year either. Who are you people who are still watching this? If you’re out there, and you’re reading this, please unmask yourself. Why do you still enjoy this show? And so much that there is now going to be two hours of it each week?

How desperate is NBC right now?

Watch how it’s being spun:

What makes NBC’s decision interesting is that the network only recently officially asked “Apprentice” executive producer Mark Burnett to upsize the show, according to a source with knowledge of the request. Production on the new season of the series had already wrapped, and some sources predicted producers might have to scramble to fill the time.

Mr. Burnett, however, said that NBC officials had actually been talking to him about expanding the show “for weeks.” He said that he and Mr. Trump welcomed the decision.

“It’s great,” he said during a brief telephone conversation from New York. “It wasn’t a sudden call at all. During production, the people at NBC were saying the show was so great and should really be two hours.”

Mr. Burnett said Mr. Trump is particularly pumped by the expansion.

“Donald has always felt the boardrooms were too short, and I think he’s right,” Mr. Burnett said. “Right now, there’s really only about nine minutes of footage that we use and the boardroom (scenes) go on for hours sometimes. The problem has been trying to squeeze it all in. Every season we go through the struggle of cutting the show down.

“This wasn’t a sudden call,” Mr. Burnett added. “It really came from how strongly everyone felt about the show when we were shooting.”

For the rumored cast list of this coming atrocity, jump in.

Andrew Dice Clay
Tom Green
Clint Black
Annie Duke – poker player
Claudia Jordan – Deal or No Deal briefcase model
Brian McKnight – R&B singer
Tionne “T-Boz” Watkins – TLC
Herschel Walker – retired NFL player
Natalie Gulbis – LPGA golfer
Scott Hamilton – former Skater
Khloe Kardashian
Joan Rivers
Melissa Rivers
Brande Roderick – actress
Dennis Rodman

David Blaine and Donald Trump announce their upcoming endurance challenge, where Blaine will hang upside down for three days from a thin wire strung five stories above New York. He’ll be attached to the wire with electro-magnetic boots.

Since we all know Donald Trump secretly hopes to run for President one day, it’s only fair that we start caring about his political opinions now.

Trump will be voting for McCain — because he thinks Obama fucked everything up by picking Biden as his running mate.

“I know John McCain, and John McCain’s a great guy, a tremendous guy. I’ve known him for a long time. And I’m with him, and I’m with him based on the fact that I have great knowledge of John McCain … The fact is, that Obama went limping across the finish line. He should have chosen Hillary, it would have been a much different race, I believe.”

Records show that Trump donated money to Hillary Clinton during the primaries … but has donated to McCain since then.

What do you guys think?

Donald Trump has offered to buy the LA mansion of Ed McMahon — saving it from foreclosure — and then lease it back to McMahon, who defaulted on his loans.

The developer told the Los Angeles Times he doesn’t know McMahon personally, but acted out of compassion because helping out “would be an honor.”

“When I was at the Wharton School of Business I’d watch him every night,” Trump told the Times. “How could this happen?”

Dude, Trump, do you ever fucking even hear yourself? Must you plug Wharton every chance you get? We get it, dude, you went to a good business school. But that was like 100 years ago, and you sound like a complete tool whenever you go out of your way to mention it. It’s like, ya know, I was on the honor roll in middle school, but I don’t bring it up much these days, because nobody cares and I’d sound like an asshole.

The deal is expected to be completed sometime soon.

And also, just so we’re all clear here, what Donald Trump is actually doing is purchasing valuable Los Angeles real estate at foreclosure prices at a time when the market’s down anyway — and the property comes complete with both a renter and tons of free publicity!

DONALD TRUMP IS DOING NO ONE A FAVOR HERE EXCEPT FOR DONALD TRUMP.

Donald Trump — who famously doesn’t drink alcohol — raises a toast at the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the Trump International Hotel & Tower in Las Vegas. Just what Las Vegas needed: another fucking hotel. Because there aren’t enough fabulously ornate edifices in that city for young girls to get wasted out of their heads and go home with old ugly dudes from Minnesota. We needed one more. Thanks, Mr. Trump.

Donald and Melania took little Barron — who turns two on March 20 — to a fundraising event for the Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in Midtown.

This is one seriously adorable child. The Donald must be pissed that another ultra-wealthy Barron — cough cough — went and got himself a DUI, proving that no matter what an absurdly elitist name you choose to award your child, you can’t stop him from eventually behaving like a human being.

Meanwhile, on the Upper West Side, Barron’s 30-year-old half-brother Donald Jr took wife Vanessa to the American Museum of Natural History’s Winter Dance, where they were joined by Anne Hathaway, Tinsley Mortimer, Jessica Stam, Amanda Hearst, Ralph Lauren, Thom Filicia, and other people who you might imagine attend any manner of “Winter Dance” after the eighth grade. I don’t even think I attended the winter dance in eighth grade. I had my parents drop me off, then promptly went behind the school to get high while I let my boyfriend get to third base. Because even at age thirteen I understood that I was way too cool for anything called a Winter Dance. Apparently these folks never got the memo.

Oh, die, Donald Trump, die!!!

Rosie O’Donnell must be a happy camper. And so am I!

Last Thursday’s Celebrity Apprentice came in at third place with only 8.2 million viewers.

That’s a 26% fall from its previous week’s premiere.

Back before we all hated the Donald with such a passion, the show could get close to 20 million viewers per episode. But no one cares about poor little Donald Trump again. NOTHING can revive this series.

YOU’RE FIRED, DONALD!!!! You should have walked away while you were on top.

I’m very curious to see what the ratings for American Idol were last night!

Is America just ready for something new????

Check out Donald Trump promoting Celebrity Apprentice on Mike and Juliet this morning.

God, I hope this show bombs. I am so over this asshole.