Dita Von Teese has a drink named after her, now that she’s the new face of Cointreau:  The Cointreau Teese.  It’s made with Cointreau, apple juice, lemon juice and violet syrup — looks super pretty, sounds super gross.  You know that you’ve officially arrived when a hospital wing, a Marc Jacobs handbag or a cocktail has been named after you.  It’s really the hallmark confirmation of fame.  

Last night was the launch party, and Dita was there in her trademark burlesque look.  Also there, Jewel in a maxi dress, Perez Hilton looking like the asshat that he is, and Solange Knowles who offended a bunch of people this afternoon by Tweeting “Salute to the vagina power!  Dita Von Teese is haute!”  The use of the term “vagina” is really upsetting to people in 2009?  

Totally unrelated to Dita, but now Solange is typing All. her. tweets. like. this.  Do you think she got that from me?  She’s ranting about something — the most I can gather is that she thinks black women are imprisoned by their hair.  I’ve been sending her Tweets back like: “What. the. hell. are. you. talking. about?” and “Are. you. crazy?”

Tommy Chong was there looking like he had the munchies, as was Margaret Cho who was looking great.  Wilmer Valderrama showed up wondering if anyone had seen his “career” run by and the incredibly hot Mayte Garcia — she was married to Prince for four years, but somehow managed to have her marriage annulled — made an appearance as well.

The. End.

At a rowdy 18 year old’s birthday party, you might expect the restaurant or the ladies bathroom to get trashed, but not the birthday girl’s 15 year old sister.

The Moore – Kutcher – Willis clan got together this past Friday night to celebrate Scout Willis’ 18th birthday with a 20’s flapper-style bash at L.A. restaurant Cicada. Guests included Dita Von Teese, Marisa Tomei, and Rumer Willis, doing her best to let everyone know exactly what kind of underwear she was wearing.

But the real star of the night was the youngest Willis girl, Tallulah Belle, who spent the night smoking, drinking, and hitting on older men. She reportedly ended the night by stumbling out of the restaurant with a pack of cigarettes and a pack of her friends, who attempted to keep her upright on her walk of shame to a waiting vehicle. Step dad of the year, Ashton Kutcher, looked none to happy about it either.

Now, to be honest, the drink the paps have circled in the above picture looks like nothing more than ice water– which may be damning enough evidence in itself, since no one drinks ice water at a party unless they’ve already gone overboard with the alcohol. If you’re going strictly non-alcoholic, you’ll have either soda, or juice, or a Redbull in your glass.

She’s also shoeless– another likely sign of inebriation– and in the pictures of her leaving the restaurant, she is quite clearly carrying a pack of cigarettes.

And now comes the point in the evening where I take a break from playing Punch Out to look at pictures of celebrities in expensive, but not always beautiful clothing.

Several celebs turned out for the amfAR Cinema Against AIDS Dinner held as part of the Cannes Film Festival. I wish I were the kind of person who opts not to say snarky things about celebrities when they’re actually doing something good and magnanimous, if not exactly altruistic. But let’s be realistic here– if I were that kind of person, I wouldn’t be writing for this blog.

While there were some attractive, well-appointed attendees– Claudia Schiffer looked adorable and Robert Pattinson actually managed to look alluring, not creepy– there were just as many couture trainwrecks.

Diane Kruger fell into one of those giant layer cakes that strippers pop out of and liked the feeling of buttercream between her tits so much that she decided to cover it in fabric and wear it to dinner. Zoe Saldana, who plays Uhura in the new Star Trek movie, couldn’t find a suitable dress, so she cut the tops off of several pairs of extra extra large nude pantyhose, draped them around her shoulders, tied them in a knot, and hoped no one would notice.

Meanwhile, Paris Hilton showed up wearing something that looked like a tinfoil cupcake wrapper mated with the seashell themed accessories decorating your Aunt Dee-Dee’s bathroom. She then proceeded to spread her legs and lean at awkward, 70 degree angles– either because she was posing for photos or because someone was holding a limbo contest just off camera.

In all seriousness, amfAR is a worthy cause, and I’m glad that these celebs took time out of their busy schedules of partying and wearing fancy dresses to party and wear fancy dresses for a cause. I just question the choice of fancy dresses.

I guess the main story here is that Marilyn Manson has been contacting his ex-wife, Dita Von Teese, since he split with Evan Rachel Wood.  To refresh your memory, Marilyn and Evan’s relationship began while he was still married to Dita.  Now that he’s single again, Dita claims that Marilyn has been in touch.  “He’s been in touch a little. The apologies come, and he was like, ‘I made a big mistake’. And I’m like, ‘Yeah, yeah, I know. Go ahead and say what you need to say to feel better and to sleep at night.’  Right now I’ve got three (men). They’re all in different parts of the world… That’s my biggest sin – juggling men.”

Yeah, whatever, Marilyn shouldn’t have cheated.  Now he regrets it.  You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone, blah, blah, blah.  All I can focus on is Dita Von Teese’s fingernails-is that some sort of reverse French manicure?  It has distracted me the entire time that I was trying to care about their love gone wrong.

Elton John’s yearly party is super exclusive and tough to get an invite to.  Having said that, I’m having a few “What the fuck,” moments.

What the fuck?  Simon Cowell and Terri Seymour are back together?

What the fuck?  What is that French’s Golden Mustard get-up Dita Von Teese wearing?

What the fuck?  Rachel Griffiths in head-to-toe grey flannel?  Is she fat or just pregnant?  Oh, she’s pregnant.  Still…that’s not right.

Bai Ling?  Just, what the fuck?

Ugh, I had more to say, but I looked at too many pictures of Posh and now I must sleep…can’t…keep…eyes…open.

So far they just have pics of the “tv personalities” up so I will leave the massive gown post to Beet or Wendie. In the meantime, here are some red carpet pics from last nights Pre-Oscar Dinner at Chateau Marmont. 

Angie Harmon = Gorilla Shoulders. ‘Nuff said. 

Jaime King = Shiny does not equal formal. This looks like one of Blanche Devereaux’ sexy time ensembles. Your hair looks very lush and nourished though. 

Debra Messing = Not everyone is blessed in the mammary region, which is fine, but in the space of one outfit you’ve taken away your waist and given yourself cankles thus making yourself a          rectangle in black tutu. Not good. 

Julianne Moore = Just Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. 

Although Dita Von Teese is giving magnificent face I think I will have to award best overall to Camilla Belle and her prodigious brows. Dita ruined it with the velvet shower curtain thing she’s wearing. 

It goes against everything I believe in to have three Mischa Fierce posts in one week, but she’s all over the place during Paris Fashion Week.  It cannot be avoided.  She’s obviously attending the shows and certainly not lunching.  Girl looks good!  Yes, you heard me right.

Remember when Linda Evangelista said she doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000?  I think she needs to revisit that number based on her current condition.  And let me save you the trouble; no, it isn’t a snatch shot.  Trust me, I zoomed.

Also, make sure you check out the close up of Dita Von Teese’s shoes, or you know, torture devices.  No wonder she only grimaces.