She’s alive!!!

After falling off the radar for OVER A WEEK, Lindsay Lohan and some weird-ass gloves resurfaced this weekend in New York, along with her mom and sister, Ali. Dude. CHECK OUT THE TITS ON ALIANA. That girl is 15 years old. She can’t drive a car, but you sure can motorboat those titties.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Ooh, Lindsay, work it, girl!

La Lohan hit up a Stand Up for the Cure event in NYC. It doesn’t look like Samantha was there … but Dina was. Ick. I like Samantha WAY better than Dina as a date for Lindsers.

Also there: Jessica Szohr, Aubrey O’Day, Bethenny Frankel, and Julianna Margulies and her ridiculously hot, young lawyer husband. I want to perform open-pants surgery on him.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson — and their mothers — spend some quality time together in New York.

This is getting serious.

Also, Samantha Ronson’s look has changed considerably over the past couple of weeks. She looks more … human. Is it possible the recent flurry of paparazzi photos of her has caused her to take a good hard look in the proverbial mirror and realize how strange she looks all the time? She definitely is looking much better these days.

So … why exactly did Dina Lohan leave the after-party for the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 premiere in a huff?

Depends on who you believe.

Most people say that Dina, drunk as hell, threw a fit when she, Ali and a friend of Ali’s sat down at a reserved table and were later asked to move by a staffer. Dina “went apeshit,” says a source. “It so wasn’t cool.” Dina was then asked to leave the event.

However, in an email to Mark Malkin, Dina says she left voluntarily because the staffer was raising his voice to them. “He made the girls uncomfortable,” she wrote. “At that point, the girls wanted to leave.”

Um … why was he raising his voice? Because you were being an asshole about being asked to leave a table that was reserved for someone else? Yeah. Were you so hungover when you wrote this that this explanation made sense, Dina?

Another party-goer insists that the staffer was perfectly polite. “Dina was so awful,” said the source.

Is that Dina Lohan was asked to leave the after-party for the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 premiere because she was so completely trashed.

Like mother like daughter!

Meanwhile, Lindsay and SamRo stayed up until 4 am partying at an NYC gay bar. However, no reports of any incidents with Lindsay, so it’s possible she actually stayed sober that whole time. Samantha is her new drug!

“I love Samantha. She’s like a child to me. They’re great friends and as long as my daughter is happy and healthy, it is what it is.”

Dina Lohan, on Samantha Ronson’s relationship with Lindsay. This sounds about as close to a “yup, they’re dating” admission as we’re gonna get.

Ahhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha!

Long-lost Lohan child Michael Jr. finally steps out of hiding and into the public eye, and what happens?

He ends up photographed standing next to his mother with some manner of liquid spilled on his crotch.

I LIVE for this stuff.

Caption away, kiddos.