I’m just going to stop talking about the Lohan battle of the written word after today, because they have definitely entered Gosselin territory.  Michael Lohan released random, recorded phone call tapes to Radar Online and RO has deftly crafted a major “Exclusive Breaking News” type of story out of them.  Every.  Day.

If you’ve been smart enough to avoid all the updates, let me get you up to speed.  Michael wants Linds in rehab.  Linds doesn’t want to go.  Dina tried to get Linds to go.  Linds punched Dina in the face.  Michael thinks that cocaine God is punishing Linds, stripping her of her career, as retribution for all the lies she tells.  Lies that include Linds’ Twitter account of all the gory details of her parent’s marriage.  All of America doesn’t give a crapness about any of it and is actually craving a Gosselin brawl right about now.

In other words, the Lohans are fucking nuts.  Hollywood needs to capture this in a new reality show.  Like, they could lock all the Lohans in the Dr. Phil house for a long weekend — Gah!  Dr. Phil would love to get a piece of that action — and let them have at it (in front of cameras, of course) until a winner is declared.  And I think we all know who that winner would be:  Linds’ brother, Michael Lohan Jr. who is absolutely the sanest of that bunch.

I know that you were thinking that Michael Lohan is the biggest piece of shit ever to father an untalented actress/director/fashion designer/singer, but you haven’t been given all the evidence yet.

Last night, Beet told us about the tapes Daddy Lohan released of a crying Lindsay.  It’s just such personal stuff, and you wonder how a parent can expose such material just to prove his “rightness.”  Wonder no more; he isn’t finished.  In today’s installment of “Michael Douchan is Telling the Truth”, he has released tapes — click here to listen — of Dina speaking to Michael in 2008 in which she claimed that when she tried to get Lindsay into rehab, LL punched her in the face.

I don’t know if any of these “revelations” will get Lindsay sober, but they sure as hell ensure that she’s probably never going to speak to her father again.

“The critics can say whatever they want, but Lindsay is a genius.”

- Dina Lohan to the New York Post on her incredibly brilliant daughter whose father says she could be heading to rehab for the third time in the near future.

I don’t even know what to do with this story. Dina Lohan is “releasing” a line of shoes called … this is not a joke … “Shoe-han.” Which doesn’t even rhyme with “Lohan.” Things that do rhyme with “Lohan” include “Ho-han,” “Crackho-han” and “Blow-han.” Things that do not rhyme with “Lohan” include “Desperate Famewhore Stage Mother” and “Shoe-han.” I’m just saying.

And Dina won’t really have anything to do with the line, other than choosing the colors styles materials models. Her co-creators in the line are the Long Island-based I Love My Shoes. “She will do a radio and TV commercial and she will sit in on the casting call to find two or three hot girls we need for the commercial,” I Love My Shoes founder and president Robert Yeganeh says, noting, “Although she won’t be the designer of the line … she’ll definitely have a major influence in which direction it will go.”

I kind of love that this dude is media-ignorant enough to be like, “Oh, yeah, she’s basically just lending her name to it, she won’t really be helping at all.” It’s kind of refreshing, much nicer than the typical “YES ASHLEY OLSEN WILL BE SITTING IN A SWEATSHOP IN CAMBODIA SEWING YOUR LAMBSKIN PANTS WITH HER TEETH WE SWEAR TO GOD.”

I’d get straight to dissing this line and saying it won’t sell for shit, but that’s what I said about Lindsay’s leggings line, and Kitson still can’t keep that shit in stock. So I’ll just keep quiet about the sales potential here and be content in my smugness and superiority because Dina Lohan is calling her shoe line “Shoe-han.” That’s plenty for me, yes ma’am.

Lilo returned home from her stint as a guest judge on Project Runway to find that her house had been broken into. Police are currently assembled at the house, but there are no suspects in custody. According to Dina Lohan, “the safe was ripped out of the wall, and the door was off the hinges and door handles removed.”

Lindsay is understandably upset. Dina is helping her pack her things so she can move to a “safer place” immediately.

A few months ago, an attempted burglary was caught on Lilo’s surveilance cameras, but no suspects were arrested in that case either.

In both incidents, Lohan was out of town for an extended period of time.

Dina Lohan has once again headed to the interview circuit to plea for her daughter’s privacy.  Because there’s really no better way to ensure anonymity than to be contacting all major media outlets.

Dina speaks of her daughter’s apparent inability to keep from being hacked.  “Last month her personal cell was posted online and now her phone messages have been hacked.  This must stop. She is a 22-year-old girl who needs to live her life in peace. The tabloids need to leave her alone with all the lies and reporting with no proof.”  Yes, Dina, the tabloids need to leave her alone.  And what better way than by you contacting People magazine to talk about your kid? 

Mother of the Year also defends her daughter in regards to the Elle U.K. jewel theft, saying that accusations are “defamatory, false and unfair.” 

Lindsay is such a victim.  Always and in every way.

Oh, Dina Lohan.  She is every bit the mother I’m so thankful I don’t have.

Last night Dina, Lindsay and Ali were doing coke out on the town.  They arrived at Hollywood nightclub Villa and were turned away at the door.  Why?  Because Ali Lohan is fifteen years old, that’s why!  The door dude said, “No,” and Dina replied with the so overused and tired inquiry, “Do you know who I am?”  Big sister Linds, who should not be pointing out anyone’s mistakes to anyone, chimed in, “You’re making a big mistake!  Huge!”  Yet still, Access.  Denied.

Sad and disturbing-a random bouncer offers more guidance and parental judgment to Ali than her own mother and sister.  What does Ali”s future look like if she’s trying to get into nightclubs at fifteen?  See?  This is how far removed I am from the Hollywood mindset; it’s why I just can’t relate.  I heard this tale of denial at the door and all I could think was, “Wait, isn’t this a school night for Ali?”  I also thought, “How the hell was Drew Barrymore getting into clubs at eight?”

Anyway, if Ali wants to keep pace towards the goal of rehab by seventeen, handbag designer by nineteen and memoir by twenty, she needs to get started on her meth habit, shoplifting convictions and sex tape, like, now.