I was intrigued by these pictures of Calista Flockhart and Denise Richards treating their children like extra baggage while shopping at Fred Segal in L.A. on Saturday.

Denise’s little girls cling to mommy’s shopping bag handles while Flockhart attempts to do everything in her power to avoid actually holding hands with adopted son Liam while he totes her shopping bags.

Is it just me, or does it seem like Calista Flockhart would be one hellish nightmare of  a stepmother/mother? I’m basing this on absolutely no evidence whatsoever, other than pictures like those above (and below) and the fact that she is frighteningly skinny. I mean,the poor kids can’t even hug her for fear of eviscerating themselves on her clavicle.

“You don’t want to bring them home to your house, but I have certain needs. Friends with benefits are awesome. I used to be like, ‘Oh no, you have to be in a relationship.’ But after going through a divorce, I’m like, ‘Life is short, I wanna have a good time.’”

Denise Richards on her frequent no-strings-attached hotel room trysts with male friends

Cindy Adams recently interviewed Denise Richards who, if you can believe it, is gearing up for another season of her E! series It’s Complicated.  The main focus of their talk, other than the part about how John Stamos is really great in bed, had to do with Denise’s experiences with the afterworld.

I’ve just become friendly with a psychic medium my mother met shortly before she passed on. I wanted to believe Mom was still around. I wanted a reading. I wanted to believe in some form of reincarnation. I need to think in whatever way I can that my mother is still with us.

Mother had had a reading with this Natalie, who, without knowing any of our family details, told my mother, ‘Your dad, your dog, your Aunt Birdie are waiting for you on the other side.’ She had knowledge of these people without any of us mentioning them.

Unknown to me, my mother had given Natalie a book for my two little ones. The book explains death. When she knew she was going, which was before I even knew she wouldn’t be around much longer, she wrote in it: ‘I’ve arrived in heaven and from here I’ll always watch over you as an angel.’ She gave the psychic this book to give to my girls, which Natalie subsequently did. We’re now friends. And I have that book safely locked up.

I believe all of us on Earth eventually go somewhere and that guardian angels do exist. Raised Catholic, I’ve started church again and taken Lola and Sammy to be baptized. I desperately have wanted a message from my mother, and I want to hold onto anything which will make that happen. I’ve told her to stay in contact with me even if she has to talk to me only through Natalie.

Since Denise has a direct line to all things dead, I wonder if she’s asked her career how it’s doing?

I’ll admit right now that I am an embarrassment to my profession.  I have been completely unaware of this god, better known to the public as Bradley Cooper.  And only a dude this hot could get away with a name like “Bradley.”

He’s been on Nip/Tuck and was in Wedding Crashers and a bunch of other stuff, but to be honest, I’m not as interested in his resume as I am in his naked and vulnerable body.  Totally hot, right?

Cooper taped an appearance on Live! With Regis & Kelly today, probably to talk about some new project — who cares? — but really seems best known for dating Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Aniston.  Oh, and he had a four-month-long marriage in there somewhere too.

Also in the gallery, Kelly Ripa actually does eat which just makes me hate yet love her more, Denise Richards looks good despite the fact that she just confessed to having not one, not two, but three boob jobs and Gene Simmons desperately needs a makeover to snap out of Wayne Newton mode.

Apparently not everything is complicated with Denise Richards — according to her version, “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” only has one note. That note is “scream.”

Denise inflicted her singing upon the audience during the seventh inning stretch of the Chicago Cubs game this weekend. There is some amusing joke to be made here comparing her singing to the Cubs’ performance, but I’m big enough to admit I don’t know enough about sports to make it. I leave the sports jokes to Kelly. Take your own shot at it in the comments.

If you ever thought Denise Richards was desperate, well, you were right.  This is what the economy does, people.  You’re E! reality television show gets cancelled, alimony isn’t enough to cover your monthly Botox, you can’t find work because you’re talentless and then the next thing you know, you’re making lame videos that aren’t traditionally funny yet still make people laugh.  At you, that is.

NSFW

Denise Richards and Ron Jeremy get close at a Sundance after party.

It’s a slow celeb news day.  To the point that one of the big items flying around today is that Rihanna drank water yesterday.  The sports bottle would neither confirm or deny.  So when it’s quiet, there is only one person to talk about:  Denise Richards.

Denise Richards looks hot.  I know she’s seventeen kinds of crazy (and feeling completely vindicated) but I think she looks great.  I’ve been reading some blogs lately that are calling her fat.  She appeared to be maintaining her robust size four frame with a 112 calorie dinner last night at Tao Nightclub’s Three Year Anniversary Celebration last night in Vegas.

Other happenings included Ellen Pompeo, as always, looking like a Mennonite and Robin Leach in perhaps the most unnatural situation I could ever envision for him.  Oh, and Mickey Rourke is the poster child for plastic surgery addiction.

Not only did she just learn that Brooke Mueller is pregnant with Charlie Sheen’s baby, but her stupid reality show, Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, just got canceled, thank the Lord.

“The numbers started out pretty good – just over 1.5 million tuned in for the premiere episode,” said a source. “But the audience has dropped off.”

It turns out it’s not complicated at all: audiences just don’t like Denise “Bad Person” Richards.

I can’t say I blame them.

After Denise Richards “leaked” some voicemail messages from Charlie Sheen, including one where he calls her the N-word (the transcript is after the jump), Sheen has released this apology:

“I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended; especially to Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings.”

Sheen added, however, that “three and one-half years later, the reasons that caused the anger and frustration displayed on that voice mail continue to be manifested on a daily basis” because “my children did not show up today for a custodial visit without explanation.”

Sheesh.

I think they both kind of suck (I’m definitely always annoyed by anyone who uses the “some of my best friends are black” defense against using racial slurs in a hateful manner, although I don’t think Charlie Sheen is racist), but I still think Denise sucks harder.

Transcript of the voicemail from Sheen is after the jump. Warning: it’s offensive.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Message Received at 1:00pm

Yea, I just got your other email and I am a little confused because you told me that was something you only told a couple of people, and this and that, and I just, again you continue to be deceitful and mischievous and sneaky, and you’re a fucking liar. Okay. You’re a fucking liar. So, you know what it’s like, fuck you. Okay, I hope you rot in fucking hell. You’re a piece of shit fucking liar and I hope you fucking rot in hell. So fuck you. I hope I never fucking talk to you again you fucking cunt. Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and a fucking nigger alright, so fuck you.

Here’s Denise “Bad Person” Richards at a charity event for Fertile Hope, which provides fertility resources to cancer patients.

You are not fooling anyone, Denise. You only go to these charity events because no one else wants you around.

And Denise? Bright pink lipstick went out about 20 years ago. You should donate the remainder of your collection to charity and issue a press release.

“I’m in a no-win situation. If I don’t have my children in my show, then people will say ‘Well, she’s really not a hands-on mom.’ If I do have my children, people are saying that I’m exploiting them. And I think there’s plenty of reality shows with families, where you don’t watch them — at least I never did — and think they really exploited their kids.”

Denise Richards, on why she’s exploiting her kids.