“It’s completely false, I’ve never had it done.  But I would never judge those who have.  If it’s the best thing for them, then I don’t see a problem.  It’s a way to combat your neurosis. The scalpel won’t make you happy.  That said, the day when I start crying when I look at myself in the mirror might be the day when I’m less adamant about not having it done.  For the moment I prefer to be a beautiful woman of my age than try desperately to look thirty.”

Demi Moore, denying accusations that she’s undergone plastic surgery.  Sadly, shortly after she gave this interview, she was struck dead by a lethal bolt of lightning. (Picture 1 taken in 2009, Picture 2 taken in 1992.)

They’ve been married an eternity in Hollywood time, but the bond between Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore still seems to be strong. Ashton’s been promoting his new movie, Spread, where he plays a male hooker — the Film.com film critic summarized it to me by saying “Ashton has about forty sex scenes. I’d lend you a copy but I’d be afraid of what would be on it when you gave it back.”

At the red carpet event for Spread, he spoke to People magazine about how Demi Moore gets more beautiful every day. “Doesn’t she?” he said. “I don’t know – I’m trying to figure it out. I so see it, man. She becomes more beautiful to me by the minute, and I don’t know what it is. She’s got the magic thing.”

It’s heartwarming to see such a loving Hollywood couple, but I have to wonder how this’ll work out in the long run. When he’s 50, Ashton will be a distinguished, witty, swoon-worthy George Clooney type, and Demi will be a 60-something woman. Will Ashton be able to turn away all the 22-year-olds throwing themselves at him? You know what? I hope so.

At a rowdy 18 year old’s birthday party, you might expect the restaurant or the ladies bathroom to get trashed, but not the birthday girl’s 15 year old sister.

The Moore – Kutcher – Willis clan got together this past Friday night to celebrate Scout Willis’ 18th birthday with a 20’s flapper-style bash at L.A. restaurant Cicada. Guests included Dita Von Teese, Marisa Tomei, and Rumer Willis, doing her best to let everyone know exactly what kind of underwear she was wearing.

But the real star of the night was the youngest Willis girl, Tallulah Belle, who spent the night smoking, drinking, and hitting on older men. She reportedly ended the night by stumbling out of the restaurant with a pack of cigarettes and a pack of her friends, who attempted to keep her upright on her walk of shame to a waiting vehicle. Step dad of the year, Ashton Kutcher, looked none to happy about it either.

Now, to be honest, the drink the paps have circled in the above picture looks like nothing more than ice water– which may be damning enough evidence in itself, since no one drinks ice water at a party unless they’ve already gone overboard with the alcohol. If you’re going strictly non-alcoholic, you’ll have either soda, or juice, or a Redbull in your glass.

She’s also shoeless– another likely sign of inebriation– and in the pictures of her leaving the restaurant, she is quite clearly carrying a pack of cigarettes.

I don’t know why Demi Moore is Tweeting these pictures of herself.  I assume the message is to love yourself no matter what, and I can accept that.  What I don’t understand is how Moore got those gargantuan implants for that stripper movie but doesn’t have an implant put in her head to…well…bridge the gap.

A few weeks ago, Wendie wrote a post about how Ashton Kutcher tweeted his wife’s twat, sending out a picture of Demi bending over in a white, distinctly hanes-her-way, creepy old men getting turned on by the underwear section of the Sears catalog style bikini. Then, her kids responded, supposedly saying they were mortified by the very public exchanges Demi and Ashton constantly send over the “micro-blogging” service.

At first I felt embarrassed for the kids, because I wouldn’t want pictures of my mom’s butt plastered all over the internet either. But it turns out Demi’s kids don’t know shit. In addition to posting embarrassing butt shots, Twitter can also be used to save lives.

Late Thursday, the G.I. Jane star received a frightening tweet from a woman named “sandieguy.”

“I’m just wondering if anyone cares that I’m gonna kill myself now,” she wrote to the star. Serious or not, her previous messages that hour—not directed at any one particular person—showed the Silicon Valley girl contemplating suicide and wavering on the decision.

Shortly thereafter, the girl messaged the Ghost actress again. “Getting a knife, a big one that is sharp. Going to cut my arm down the whole arm so it doesn’t waste time,” she wrote.

Moore immediately replied, “Hope you are joking,” sharing the scenario with her nearly 400,000 followers.

The brief exchange inspired several people to contact the authorities.

“At 4:37 this morning, the San Jose Police Department received a call from a citizen requesting that we check on the welfare of a 41-year-old female,” San Jose Police Sgt. Ronnie Lopez tells E! News. “The caller indicated that she had been sending out messages on Twitter. Officers were sent to the address. There were no injuries but officers determined that the woman fit the criteria to be brought in for psychiatric evaluation, which she is currently undergoing.”

So I guess celeb watching on Twitter is good for all kinds of desperate cries for help.

We get more of Rumer than we can take, and a decent dose of Tallulah, but it’s ever so rare that we see middle daughter Scout Willis photographed with her mom, Demi Moore. Scout’s almost 18 now, and she accompanied her mother (and their two hottie bodyguards!) for a walk around Nice.

I’m sorry, but these Willis girls are just proof that when beautiful people mate, the offspring are not always all that beautiful. Unless those two people are Brad and Angelina. In which case the babies are guaranteed to be beautiful. Really all babies anywhere just need to be touched by Angelina and they’re guaranteed to be beautiful. Demi Moore? Not so much. I have these internal debates as to whether it was Demi’s genetics or Bruce’s that caused all the facial problems with these girls. Seriously I dedicate minutes of my life to pondering this. That’s just how unexciting my sex life is.

But it would have to be Bruce, right?

Thoughts?

Ashton Kutcher tweeted his wife’s ass on Twitter.  That makes him a twat, right?  It would make him an ex-husband if he were married to me, but I’ve never been tolerant of men who refer to their spouses as “wifey” anyway.  Ah, that pesky Nikon celebrity endorser…

Demi Moore seriously has the best ass for a forty-six-year-old.  Is this a result of Kabbalah?  Because, I just tied about eighteen red strings around my wrist and I’ve already lost two pounds.  And I’m feeling way more holier.  Than thou, that is.