How does this dude land these chicks?

He knocked up a Playboy Playmate last year, he’s dated Pamela Anderson and Heather Locklear, and now he’s running around Vegas playing grab-ass with Nicollette Sheridan, who he’s apparently been porking since November.

The two had dinner together on Saturday at Sushisamba in the Palazzo in Las Vegas. “Although there wasn’t major PDA, they definitely were affectionate throughout their meal,” a source reports. Spade sipped Diet Pepsi with his meal while Nicole had a Belvedere mojito.

Okay, so is this his whole game? The short funny dude stays dead sober and totally on-the-ball while he gets these leggy blondes wasted? Is that how it works? Because, otherwise, I don’t get it. Not at all.

A Playboy Playmate that David Spade had sex with, like, twice popped out his child in Missouri last week, and he’d like everyone to know that, at some point, he will get around to seeing this child.

“David and Jillian [Grace] have been in close contact throughout her pregnancy and he plans to go see the baby during his first break from shooting Rules of Engagement,” said David’s rep.

I just feel like this is a statement that could have been better phrased. Like, the first part just kind of sounds like they’ve been on the phone arguing over paternity and potential child support every night for the past nine months, and the second part just makes David look like someone who is only tangentially interested in his the birth of his child.

I think David’s still waiting for the results of the paternity test before he spends any money on plane tickets …

And since you all know what David Spade looks like, I’ve decided to include here the photo of Jillian Grace, with whom he had sex. This photo is obvs pre-preggers. Oh, and in case anyone cares, Jillian is 22 and David is 45. So, ew, kinda.

So much happy news today!

So many celebrities doing good things that contribute positively to our planet!

Unfortunately, these things contribute significantly LESS to my wallet, since do-gooding isn’t quite the same traffic-driver as, say, vagina, but still. It’s nice to see.

David Spade has saved an Arizona animal shelter from being closed, by donating $10,000 to the establishment.

David Spade has donated $10,000 to save the Humane Society of the White Mountains in his mother’s town of Lakeside, Arizona.

“The shelter was falling apart, and they were going to shut it down, so he stepped in,” says the source. “It was far and above what they needed and ever received.”

David’s from Arizona — like me! — and the article says he also donated $15,000 to his alma mater, Saguaro High School, where the funds were probably used to begin construction on their new state-of-the-art meth lab. Sorry. Arizona inside joke.

“I got a lot of shit at the end about ‘Why weren’t you there for him?’ But being that close, I dealt with it all the time. And in that situation, before the guy’s dead, he’s just kind of an asshole. Truth is, you get a junkie who’s wasted all the time and moody and angry and trying to knock you around, you say, ‘OK, you go do that, and I’ll be over here.’”

David Spade, who’s quoted in The Last Days of Chris Farley, a book penned by Farley’s brother.

Excerpts from the book will run in the May issue of Playboy, which hits newsstands on Friday.

I love that Playboy scored the exclusive on this. Chris would have been proud.

The funny man was touched when he heard the story of Phoenix police officer Nick Erfle, who was fatally shot last month in the line of duty, after returning to the force following a bout with cancer. Erfle left behind a wife and two children. Spade, who had never met the officer, sent the family $25,000 to help them get back on their feet.

This is the sort of shit Britney needs to start doing!!!

This is so cruel. But so funny.