I’m really praying this isn’t true.  My true hope is that the reporters over at the Enquirer sat around a table and said “Hey, wouldn’t it be something if Dave Letterman was caught on a security camera having sex with one of his employees?  That sounds like a good story.  Let’s run with it!”  Actually, let’s assume that is exactly what happened.  Here’s what they came up with:

A studio surveillance tape reportedly caught the 62-year-old star and a much-younger female co-worker in a compromising position – and it could shatter Letterman’s already troubled marriage, say sources.

What’s more, the tape could persuade worried CBS execs to hammer the final nail into the talk-show host’s late-night career – and could play a key role in the trial of the producer who allegedly tried to blackmail him.

“If the tape makes its way into the criminal case, it’ll explode his marriage to smithereens,” revealed a close source.

“It’s one thing for him to have publicly admitted to having had sexual relations with some women on his staff. It’s another to see him in the throes of passion with one of those women.

“Dave apparently didn’t know the location of the security cameras at his Late Show studio.”

I report celebrity gossip for a living.  I’ve been exposed to a lot of trauma-inducing images — things that no human should ever have to see.  I’ve witnessed everything from a Julia Roberts nip slip to Samantha Ronson in a dress.  However, there is no therapy, no prescription, no anything that can prepare me for or help me recover from a Dave Letterman sex tape.  It would be life-changing in the really bad, rocking back and forth in the corner kind of way.

David Letterman was just busted for feeling up one of his staffers, and one university that supplies his production company with interns isn’t taking any chances that the same will happen to their students. Quinnipiac University in Connecticut, who has a long standing relationship with the show, has released a statement assuring both the media and their student’s parents of two things: 1) Their kids won’t be molested by an aging talk show host in exchange for bringing coffee to the writers room and 2) They exist.

Of course I know Quinnipiac University, I had friends who went there. However, the statement they released today seems a slightly more geared to garnering some press for the school and bragging about their impressive intern program than anything else. I mean, I’m sure at this point Letterman has his pants double belted and if he were to mess around again, it wouldn’t be with a college intern who could possibly squeal to the tabloids. The school said this to TMZ (because all elite universities welcome an open dialogue with TMZ):

“Due to recent circumstances we will have a discussion with those in charge of placing our interns at the David Letterman show in the future.

We will diligently oversee this internship program to ensure that our interns are out of harm’s way.”

So don’t worry parents! You can feel free to send your kids to good ol’ QU now! No collegiate boobies are getting touched by celebrities on their watch!

If you can believe it, David Letterman confessing on live television that he had inappropriate relations with members of his staff actually had a positive impact on ratings. I know, I know. Total insanity. Letterman initially made the admission last Thursday, but then on Monday he returned to the topic, to apologize to his staff and his wife for all the drama this has caused. (Clip above.) It turned out to be ratings gold:

Some 5.7 million people tuned in on Monday to hear Letterman apologize to his wife and staff for his on-air revelations last week about his sexual affairs and an alleged blackmail plot.

That was a 36 percent increase over the audience for the “Late Show with David Letterman” on Monday last week, and a 19 percent jump on the 2009-2010 season-to-date average for the talk show of 4.8 million viewers, CBS said on Tuesday.

Show business newspaper Daily Variety noted that Monday’s Letterman ratings at 11:30 p.m. were higher than anything struggling NBC had on Monday in prime time, including its returning drama series “Heroes,” new medical series “Trauma” and “The Jay Leno Show” at its new 10 p.m. slot which pulled in 4.3 million viewers.

What’s funny is that no one other than his staff and his wife seems to actually be angry at Letterman for this. There’s been very little public outrage, at least none that I’ve really picked up on. Did everyone just kind of assume that Letterman was a philanderer anyway? Is it all okay since he stepped up to the plate and admitted his mistake — albeit only after being blackmailed? Or do we not expect our late-night funnymen to be moral compasses in the first place?

48 Hours producer Robert Halderman — they call him “Joe” — is an idiot.  As more details of the David Letterman extortion plot are revealed, we’ve learned that Halderman deposited his $2M check that was given to him a couple of days ago in exchange for his silence.  Unfortunately for him, it was a check with no funds to back it up . TMZ dug up Joe’s 2004 divorce papers, of course.  This guy was paying almost $6,000 a month in child and spousal support.  No wonder he needed two million of David Letterman’s dollars!

Stephanie Birkitt, an intern on Letterman’s show back in the ’90s (she later returned, working and appearing on the show for almost 10 years), is one of the women who allegedly had an affair with Dave in 2003.  She lived with Halderman for a time, which is clearly how he hatched his plan to blackmail the talk show host.

Personally, David Letterman has fallen down a peg in my estimation.  I don’t care that he’s a cheater — whatever, that’s his situation to deal with.  What I do feel bad about is how he delivered the news to his audience like it was some big joke.  I felt bad for his wife who most assuredly is not laughing.

Ohhhhhh wowsers. Someone backed David Letterman into quite a corner. The late-night host admitted at a taping of his show this afternoon that someone attempted to blackmail him for $2M as a result of sexual relations he’d had with members of his staff.

During the taping of his CBS late-night show in New York, Letterman discussed receiving a threat to either pay $2 million or risk the relationships being made public.

In a release from the show’s production company, Letterman said he referred the matter to the Manhattan district attorney’s office and that an investigation ended in an arrest Thursday. Letterman did not identify the person he said was arrested.

As part of the investigation, Letterman said he issued a “phony” $2 million check to the individual and the arrest followed — along with testimony by Letterman.

“This morning, I did something I’ve never done in my life,” said Letterman. “I had to go downtown and testify before a grand jury.”

In his testimony, he said he acknowledged sexual relationships with members of his staff. It was not immediately clear when the relationships took place; Letterman and longtime girlfriend Regina Lasko married in March. The couple began dating in 1986 and have a son, Harry, born in November 2003.

“My response to that is, yes I have,” Letterman said. “Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would. I feel like I need to protect these people. I need to certainly protect my family.”

I’m going to go ahead and assume that the relationships took place while he was with his current girlfriend. If they happened before 1986, why would he feel threatened by a blackmail attempt? Who cares who banged whom in 1986? But obviously Letterman’s World Wide Pants are living up to their name. I’m waiting on a clip of the actual Letterman broadcast so I can embed it … let me know if you come across it on YouTube.

Update: Vid is above. Awwwwwkward. TMZ reports that 51-year-old Robert Halderman, an employee of 48 Hours, has been arrested, and CBS has suspended him pending results of the investigation.

Madonna went all Oprah on us and returned to The Late Show with David Letterman last night to mend old, broken fences with Dave-O.

Whenever Madonna is on a talk-show, every thing she says, every little joke, sounds so rehearsed.  Letterman’s guests are briefed ahead of time on the topics that will be discussed; this is nothing new.  Madonna throws out her “passive-aggressive funny quip” followed by a eyebrow raise and pointed look to the audience.  I think it just proves what a bad actress Madonna is.

You know what’s really good about Madonna, though?  Her body.  She’s like some totally fit, macrobiotic nun.  And last night, Sister Vegan went to a New York City pizzeria for the first time.  Yes, folks.  We are supposed to believe that Madonna, who came to NYC as a starving dancer when she was 19 years old, has never eaten a piece of pizza in the city.  Whatever, Madge.

According to reports, Madonna had a 27-calorie bite of cheeseless pizza and spent the rest of the night strapped to a Pilates machine.

Kevin Spacey stopped by Late Show with David Letterman last night and tried to explain the basic points of Twitter to the completely flummoxed Dave.  After several minutes of Spacey explaining how to text, outlining Twitter etiquette and trying to convince  Letterman that it was a free service, the late night host concluded that it was a waste of time.

If you’re looking to waste some time, follow Beet, Kelly and me.

They fall flat on their faces too!

Why, oh why do I find people falling on their faces to be one of the funniest things ever?  And why isn’t there video of Jennifer Garner wiping out as she went for a run?  If you’re really into gross stuff like pus, WireImage was kind enough to capture close-ups of the injuries.  Why?  I.  Have.  No.   Idea.

Garner appeared last night on Late Show with David Letterman and got some TLC from Dave, who isn’t sounding so hot himself.  She, in turn, gave him some tea and honey.

I’d like to apologize in advance for the Canada tourism advertisement CBS insists we must watch in the beginning.  It’s the goofiest ever and makes me feel embarrassed for the entire country.

David Letterman has always struck me as so logical and rational, but he’s gone hog-wild and married his girlfriend of twenty-three years.  The transcript from tonight’s Late Show With David Letterman:

On Thursday, at 3 PM, March 19, 2009 at the Teton County Courthouse in Choteau, Montana, I was married to Regina Lasko.

Regina and I began dating in February of 1986, and I said, ‘Well, things are going pretty good, let’s just see what happens in about ten years….’

…I had avoided getting married pretty good for, like, 23 years, and I – honestly, whether this happened or not – I secretly felt that men who were married admired me…like I was the last of the real gunslingers, you know what I’m saying?

So now, we get ready to go and we’ve got to drive into the courthouse and it’s muddy, and we’re supposed to be there at 2, and it’s me, Regina and Harry in the truck, in the pickup truck…So we get two miles from the house and we get stuck in the mud – I mean, turn the truck over, stuck in the mud. So now we think, ‘Well, somebody’ll come– no, nobody comes along. Nobody comes along – it’s Thursday afternoon, who’s coming along, Zorro? No, nobody – so I get out of the truck and I walk two miles back to the house into a 50 mile an hour wind. It’s not Beverly Hills, it’s Montana, for God’s sakes. And the whole way, I’m thinking, ‘See, smart ass, see, see, you try to get married, this is what happens. See, well, you’ve got nobody to blame but yourself. Could have happened any other day, but you wait now, see, this is what you get.’ So then we get in the car and Harry says, ‘Are we still going into town?’ and I said, ‘Yes, we are,’ and he gets very upset because mom had told him if I wasn’t back in an hour, the deal was off.

There aren’t too many pictures of his wife, Regina Lasko.  I do have one in the photo gallery of the happy couple with their son, Harry.

Congratulations!

Here is a realization that I just had: Hollywood seems more capable of speaking out against Jeremy Piven’s recent actions than about Chris Brown’s.

I’ve heard a ton of celebrities go on the record to call Jeremy out for dropping out of his Broadway show due to “mercury poisoning,” but nobody seems to want to go on the record to call out Chris Brown on beating the shit out of his girlfriend. In fact, Usher just issued an apology for being videotaped saying that Chris Brown should “show some remorse.” What. The. Fuck?

Anyway, here’s Felicity Huffman chatting with David Letterman about how her husband, William H. Macy, had to come to Jeremy’s rescue after he dropped out of the play. She says that William used to babysit for Jeremy when he was a child, and, she says, “in some ways you could say he’s still babysitting him.” Then she rolls her eyes a lot as Letterman prods her further about Jeremy’s “mercury poisoning.” The conversation happens around the 2:40 mark.

We can all go on national television and give Jeremy Piven a hard time for quitting a play with a bullshit excuse, but no one wants to go on television and give Chris Brown a hard time for gross domestic violence.

I don’t get it, I really don’t.

David Letterman’s just kind of making a cottage industry of making The Hills kids look like morons. I guess it’s not that hard a job.

Up now: Lauren Conrad.

And that’s just the people who actually tuned in, despite knowing that anything important would be on the Internet like 20 seconds later.

In fact, we had the best clips up on this site before the show even aired on the West coast.

I wonder if McCain’s contrition won over any voters.