I’m really praying this isn’t true.  My true hope is that the reporters over at the Enquirer sat around a table and said “Hey, wouldn’t it be something if Dave Letterman was caught on a security camera having sex with one of his employees?  That sounds like a good story.  Let’s run with it!”  Actually, let’s assume that is exactly what happened.  Here’s what they came up with:

A studio surveillance tape reportedly caught the 62-year-old star and a much-younger female co-worker in a compromising position – and it could shatter Letterman’s already troubled marriage, say sources.

What’s more, the tape could persuade worried CBS execs to hammer the final nail into the talk-show host’s late-night career – and could play a key role in the trial of the producer who allegedly tried to blackmail him.

“If the tape makes its way into the criminal case, it’ll explode his marriage to smithereens,” revealed a close source.

“It’s one thing for him to have publicly admitted to having had sexual relations with some women on his staff. It’s another to see him in the throes of passion with one of those women.

“Dave apparently didn’t know the location of the security cameras at his Late Show studio.”

I report celebrity gossip for a living.  I’ve been exposed to a lot of trauma-inducing images — things that no human should ever have to see.  I’ve witnessed everything from a Julia Roberts nip slip to Samantha Ronson in a dress.  However, there is no therapy, no prescription, no anything that can prepare me for or help me recover from a Dave Letterman sex tape.  It would be life-changing in the really bad, rocking back and forth in the corner kind of way.

David Letterman was just busted for feeling up one of his staffers, and one university that supplies his production company with interns isn’t taking any chances that the same will happen to their students. Quinnipiac University in Connecticut, who has a long standing relationship with the show, has released a statement assuring both the media and their student’s parents of two things: 1) Their kids won’t be molested by an aging talk show host in exchange for bringing coffee to the writers room and 2) They exist.

Of course I know Quinnipiac University, I had friends who went there. However, the statement they released today seems a slightly more geared to garnering some press for the school and bragging about their impressive intern program than anything else. I mean, I’m sure at this point Letterman has his pants double belted and if he were to mess around again, it wouldn’t be with a college intern who could possibly squeal to the tabloids. The school said this to TMZ (because all elite universities welcome an open dialogue with TMZ):

“Due to recent circumstances we will have a discussion with those in charge of placing our interns at the David Letterman show in the future.

We will diligently oversee this internship program to ensure that our interns are out of harm’s way.”

So don’t worry parents! You can feel free to send your kids to good ol’ QU now! No collegiate boobies are getting touched by celebrities on their watch!

If you can believe it, David Letterman confessing on live television that he had inappropriate relations with members of his staff actually had a positive impact on ratings. I know, I know. Total insanity. Letterman initially made the admission last Thursday, but then on Monday he returned to the topic, to apologize to his staff and his wife for all the drama this has caused. (Clip above.) It turned out to be ratings gold:

Some 5.7 million people tuned in on Monday to hear Letterman apologize to his wife and staff for his on-air revelations last week about his sexual affairs and an alleged blackmail plot.

That was a 36 percent increase over the audience for the “Late Show with David Letterman” on Monday last week, and a 19 percent jump on the 2009-2010 season-to-date average for the talk show of 4.8 million viewers, CBS said on Tuesday.

Show business newspaper Daily Variety noted that Monday’s Letterman ratings at 11:30 p.m. were higher than anything struggling NBC had on Monday in prime time, including its returning drama series “Heroes,” new medical series “Trauma” and “The Jay Leno Show” at its new 10 p.m. slot which pulled in 4.3 million viewers.

What’s funny is that no one other than his staff and his wife seems to actually be angry at Letterman for this. There’s been very little public outrage, at least none that I’ve really picked up on. Did everyone just kind of assume that Letterman was a philanderer anyway? Is it all okay since he stepped up to the plate and admitted his mistake — albeit only after being blackmailed? Or do we not expect our late-night funnymen to be moral compasses in the first place?

48 Hours producer Robert Halderman — they call him “Joe” — is an idiot.  As more details of the David Letterman extortion plot are revealed, we’ve learned that Halderman deposited his $2M check that was given to him a couple of days ago in exchange for his silence.  Unfortunately for him, it was a check with no funds to back it up . TMZ dug up Joe’s 2004 divorce papers, of course.  This guy was paying almost $6,000 a month in child and spousal support.  No wonder he needed two million of David Letterman’s dollars!

Stephanie Birkitt, an intern on Letterman’s show back in the ’90s (she later returned, working and appearing on the show for almost 10 years), is one of the women who allegedly had an affair with Dave in 2003.  She lived with Halderman for a time, which is clearly how he hatched his plan to blackmail the talk show host.

Personally, David Letterman has fallen down a peg in my estimation.  I don’t care that he’s a cheater — whatever, that’s his situation to deal with.  What I do feel bad about is how he delivered the news to his audience like it was some big joke.  I felt bad for his wife who most assuredly is not laughing.

Ohhhhhh wowsers. Someone backed David Letterman into quite a corner. The late-night host admitted at a taping of his show this afternoon that someone attempted to blackmail him for $2M as a result of sexual relations he’d had with members of his staff.

During the taping of his CBS late-night show in New York, Letterman discussed receiving a threat to either pay $2 million or risk the relationships being made public.

In a release from the show’s production company, Letterman said he referred the matter to the Manhattan district attorney’s office and that an investigation ended in an arrest Thursday. Letterman did not identify the person he said was arrested.

As part of the investigation, Letterman said he issued a “phony” $2 million check to the individual and the arrest followed — along with testimony by Letterman.

“This morning, I did something I’ve never done in my life,” said Letterman. “I had to go downtown and testify before a grand jury.”

In his testimony, he said he acknowledged sexual relationships with members of his staff. It was not immediately clear when the relationships took place; Letterman and longtime girlfriend Regina Lasko married in March. The couple began dating in 1986 and have a son, Harry, born in November 2003.

“My response to that is, yes I have,” Letterman said. “Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would. I feel like I need to protect these people. I need to certainly protect my family.”

I’m going to go ahead and assume that the relationships took place while he was with his current girlfriend. If they happened before 1986, why would he feel threatened by a blackmail attempt? Who cares who banged whom in 1986? But obviously Letterman’s World Wide Pants are living up to their name. I’m waiting on a clip of the actual Letterman broadcast so I can embed it … let me know if you come across it on YouTube.

Update: Vid is above. Awwwwwkward. TMZ reports that 51-year-old Robert Halderman, an employee of 48 Hours, has been arrested, and CBS has suspended him pending results of the investigation.

Madonna went all Oprah on us and returned to The Late Show with David Letterman last night to mend old, broken fences with Dave-O.

Whenever Madonna is on a talk-show, every thing she says, every little joke, sounds so rehearsed.  Letterman’s guests are briefed ahead of time on the topics that will be discussed; this is nothing new.  Madonna throws out her “passive-aggressive funny quip” followed by a eyebrow raise and pointed look to the audience.  I think it just proves what a bad actress Madonna is.

You know what’s really good about Madonna, though?  Her body.  She’s like some totally fit, macrobiotic nun.  And last night, Sister Vegan went to a New York City pizzeria for the first time.  Yes, folks.  We are supposed to believe that Madonna, who came to NYC as a starving dancer when she was 19 years old, has never eaten a piece of pizza in the city.  Whatever, Madge.

According to reports, Madonna had a 27-calorie bite of cheeseless pizza and spent the rest of the night strapped to a Pilates machine.

Kevin Spacey stopped by Late Show with David Letterman last night and tried to explain the basic points of Twitter to the completely flummoxed Dave.  After several minutes of Spacey explaining how to text, outlining Twitter etiquette and trying to convince  Letterman that it was a free service, the late night host concluded that it was a waste of time.

If you’re looking to waste some time, follow Beet, Kelly and me.