The Hoff went into rehab earlier this month after two cases of alcohol poisoning and an incident where he tried to punch a doctor that was treating him. Recently, he spoke out about his alcoholism and compared himself to first aid practice mannekin Amy Winhouse.

“The problem that I’ve experienced in my own life and some of the stuff that’s been documented about Amy is a universal problem.
“It’s an illness. You don’t wake up in the morning and decide to have this problem.”

When I think of similarities between the Hoff and the House, I tend to think of creepy, inept fathers and fake breasts, but yeah, alcoholism too. Sure.

In what other ways are David Hasselhoff and Amy Winehouse similar?

David Hasselhoff quite possibly might have the most optimistic publicist ever.  You’d have to be optimistic to believe that the public would buy this story, buuuuuuut here goes:  The Hoff wasn’t drunk last night; he had an “ear infection”.  Apparently, he’s on medication for his “ear infection” and had a bad reaction to it that caused dizziness and disorientation which mimicked intoxication.

I’m sure he’s telling the truth, because his daughter who called 911 is only 17.  I’ve often become confused between alcohol and Amoxicillin; it’s an easy mistake.  Weirdly, the EMTs that arrived on the scene felt that Hoff’s condition was serious enough to transport him to a local hospital.  You just never realize how dangerous inflamed ear drums can be until something like this happens.

You know, I too had a really bad, uh, “ear infection” once.  As a matter of fact, to this day I can’t even look at a bottle of Sambuca because of how badly I was “infected”.

David will be unavailable for the rest of the week due to his “jury duty” obligations.  Hoff, give your publicist a raise, ‘kay?

Aw, man.  It seems like our favorite America’s Got Talent judge has fallen Hoff the wagon.  Yesterday afternoon David Hasselhoff’s 17-year-old daughter Hayley called her mother to complain that Daddy was drunk.  Really drunk.  911 was summoned and Hoff was hauled away to the hospital.  It was expected that he would be released last night.

It’s sad that David can’t seem to stay sober.  If there’s a silver lining in all of this, at least this episode of drunkenness wasn’t videotaped.

Rehab visits come in waves, like deaths and flu pandemics and vodka poured down Lindsay Lohan’s throat. (Who am I kidding? That last one’s a steady current.) Don’t get excited, though; Lindsay’s not in rehab again just yet. Right now we have VJ Matt Pinfield, who checked himself in last week, and Dennis Rodman, who’s agreed to do outpatient treatment although friends were hoping he’d opt for inpatient.

The former NBA star, who has battled addiction for years, has agreed to enter an outpatient program where he’ll regularly see a counselor.

While it is a step in the right direction, last week family and friends of Rodman, including his former Los Angeles Lakers coach, Phil Jackson, unsuccessfully reached out to the star, who refused to admit himself to an inpatient facility.

“Yes, they tried an intervention, but unfortunately Dennis refused to go,” Rodman’s rep tells E! News. “We all know how amazing he is when sober and we hope he gets there soon.”

Meanwhile, David Hasselhoff was found passed out on his floor by his 16-year-old daughter Hayley. She called her mother, Pamela Bach — from whom David is bitterly estranged — and she came over and rushed him to the hospital. He had severe alcohol poisoning.

A source said a frightened Hayley kept “slapping her dad’s face” to keep him alive. “He was barely breathing when they got him at the hospital … He’s recovering. Pam was his bedside till 4a.m. this morning. This is about the 7th time he’s been taken to a hospital over the last few years with alcohol poisoning. How many visits will it take before he dies?”

Indeed. It’s especially heartbreaking because The Hoff’s tried so, so hard to get and stay sober over the years. I give him a rough time sometimes, but I know it’s killing him to put his daughters through this, and my heart just hurts for this family. What a vicious disease. Expect David to do yet another round of inpatient.

The perpetually rehabbing star (well, he’s a star in Germany) finally came to an agreement on a divorce settlement with his wife, Pamela Bach.

The financial arrangements were not released, but the two will share custody of their two teenage girls.

Unless one of them is in rehab, which is most of the time.

I don’t even know what to make of this. My head’s kind of exploding right now.

Paris Hilton.

David Hasselhoff.

Matthew Perry.

Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge.

Rumer Willis.

Lacey Chabert.

Tila Tequila.

Lydia Hearst.

Aubrey O’Day.

Aubrey O’Day’s extensions.

Cory Kennedy. (Everyone’s favorite teenage heroin addict!)

I don’t even know which joke to make first. It’s overwhelming!!! I want to write an entire short story about this night!! Or film a season of The Surreal Life!

Were they holding an AA meeting afterwards? Are you even allowed to attend AA meetings if your last name’s Tequila? Honestly, the only thing this all-star team was missing was its group counselor.

Or did attendance count as some manner of community service?

I just don’t understand!

A couple other points:

1) Paris Hilton needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. In fact, the whole world needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. We need to start flying planes over third-world countries and dropping pamphlets with a variety of pictographic instructions informing them that no one, anywhere, ever, is to wear a jumpsuit like that ever again.

2) Rumer Willis’s hair is back to brunette. And it’s curly now. Not, like, a luxurious curl. More of an I-didn’t-realize-I-wasn’t-supposed-to -have-the-blow-dryer-in-the-bathtub curl.

From the National Enquirer:

The 55-year-old actor has suffered a severe drinking relapse and was readmitted to a Los Angeles hospital to detox on Oct. 8, the NATIONAL ENQUIRER reports in its new issue.

“David does so well staying sober and then something kicks in and he’s back drinking,” a close source told the NATIONAL ENQUIRER.

Weak and trembling, David was readmitted to Cedar Sinai Medical Center, where doctors began the detox process.

“He looked awful when they brought him in,” said the source. “His color was ashen. He felt sick. It was just so sad.”

See, it’s sad because he’s probably going to die soon if this keeps up.

Lindsay Lohan, let this be a lesson to you!

David Hasselhoff Gets Full Custody of Children

Yes, this David Hasselhoff:

Actually that’s not near as bad as this… talk about ABUSE!

Don’t watch this on your lunch break, guys.

[via Defamer]

So in the wake of Cheeseburger-Gate, a judge has apparently taken away The Hoff’s visitation rights with his two teenage daughter. He can communicate with them over the phone only.

In a statement, Hoff said: “Despite that I have been going through a painful divorce and I have recently been separated from my children due to my work, I have been successfully dealing with my issue,” he said. Unfortunately, one evening I did have a brief relapse, but part of recovery is relapse. I have seen the tape. I have learned from it and I am back on my game,” he said. The tape was never meant to become public but got into the hands of individuals who are not worthy of mentioning, who maliciously released the tape for their own self purpose. I hope that someone else will learn from the tape, as I have.”

He claims his teenage daughters made the tape one night to show him what he was like when he was drunk, because they were concerned for his safety.

Hopefully he will get back on his feet and be able to stay sober! Good luck, Hoff!

In response to this video of him drunkenly eating a cheeseburger, David Hasselhoff has issued the following statement, essentially accusing his ex-wife of leaking the video and hoping that six paragraphs of calling her an alcoholic while claiming to take the high road will help us all forget about how he was basically too drunk to eat a cheeseburger on the floor of his hotel room while his daughter filmed him and begged him to stop drinking.

An excerpt:

“While I acknowledge that I am a recovering alcoholic who must deal with my own issue on a daily basis, my ex-wife has refused to deal with her own issues, which include having tested positive for alcohol and illegal substances in response to court ordered testing. Although she has publicly denied having tested positive, proof of her drug use is part of the Court record.

I truly hope that my ex-wife will get the help that she so desperately needs for her own sake and for the sake of our children, and that in the future she will refrain from perpetuating falsehoods and selfishly compromising the well-being of our children so that they can move forward with their lives, with their privacy respected. I look forward to the day that our marital litigation is behind me, so that our children and I can move forward with our lives in peace.”

Yeah. What part of “recovering alcoholic” involves getting wasted in front of your daughter and then blaming your wife? Which step is that, Hoff? Just curious.

Full statement reprinted after the jump.

“More than a year ago, I made a difficult decision, for the sake of our children and myself, to file for divorce. To this day, my ex-wife has engaged in conduct designed to punish me by repeatedly publishing false statements to the press. Despite her fabricated claims, I have, from the outset of this painful divorce, consistently taken the high road by not responding to the myriad of false allegations made against me by her out of consideration for our children. I recognize that public discussion of the issues which exist between us is not something which is in the best interests of our daughters.

But recent events have made it impossible for me to continue to remain silent. My ex-wife, and her latest attorney (who seems to share a thirst for publicity) recently suggested that I had not only been physically abusive to her, but that I was also physically abusive towards our two daughters, as well. This latest claim is not only utterly false, but it is also obscene. Our daughters are outraged by the falsity of their mother’s claims and urged me to allow them to go to the press to challenge these claims. I discouraged our daughters from doing so, but I agreed that I would finally come forward and challenge these absurd claims made by their mother.

My ex-wife’s actions are nothing more than a transparent attempt to garner attention from the media and to hurt me. Her claims that I ever physically abused her or our children are ludicrous. It is inexcusable that my ex-wife has perpetuated these false claims against me, without consideration for the toll her actions have taken on the girls. However, it is clear that she will resort to any means to obtain the attention of the media in order to satisfy her own perverse need for publicity, regardless of its impact on our daughters or me.

The lack of veracity of her claims have, and will continue to be borne out in the marital litigation. Unfortunately, our children have been subjected to physical and emotional abuse on numerous occasions, but it has been at the hands of their own mother, which abuse has been documented by the Court appointed experts in our marital proceedings.

While I acknowledge that I am a recovering alcoholic who must deal with my own issue on a daily basis, my ex-wife has refused to deal with her own issues, which include having tested positive for alcohol and illegal substances in response to court ordered testing. Although she has publicly denied having tested positive, proof of her drug use is part of the Court record.

I truly hope that my ex-wife will get the help that she so desperately needs for her own sake and for the sake of our children, and that in the future she will refrain from perpetuating falsehoods and selfishly compromising the well-being of our children so that they can move forward with their lives, with their privacy respected. I look forward to the day that our marital litigation is behind me, so that our children and I can move forward with our lives in peace.”