The perpetually rehabbing star (well, he’s a star in Germany) finally came to an agreement on a divorce settlement with his wife, Pamela Bach.
The financial arrangements were not released, but the two will share custody of their two teenage girls.
Unless one of them is in rehab, which is most of the time.
I don’t even know what to make of this. My head’s kind of exploding right now.
Paris Hilton.
David Hasselhoff.
Matthew Perry.
Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge.
Rumer Willis.
Lacey Chabert.
Tila Tequila.
Lydia Hearst.
Aubrey O’Day.
Aubrey O’Day’s extensions.
Cory Kennedy. (Everyone’s favorite teenage heroin addict!)
I don’t even know which joke to make first. It’s overwhelming!!! I want to write an entire short story about this night!! Or film a season of The Surreal Life!
Were they holding an AA meeting afterwards? Are you even allowed to attend AA meetings if your last name’s Tequila? Honestly, the only thing this all-star team was missing was its group counselor.
Or did attendance count as some manner of community service?
I just don’t understand!
A couple other points:
1) Paris Hilton needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. In fact, the whole world needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. We need to start flying planes over third-world countries and dropping pamphlets with a variety of pictographic instructions informing them that no one, anywhere, ever, is to wear a jumpsuit like that ever again.
2) Rumer Willis’s hair is back to brunette. And it’s curly now. Not, like, a luxurious curl. More of an I-didn’t-realize-I-wasn’t-supposed-to -have-the-blow-dryer-in-the-bathtub curl.
From the National Enquirer:
The 55-year-old actor has suffered a severe drinking relapse and was readmitted to a Los Angeles hospital to detox on Oct. 8, the NATIONAL ENQUIRER reports in its new issue.
“David does so well staying sober and then something kicks in and he’s back drinking,” a close source told the NATIONAL ENQUIRER.
Weak and trembling, David was readmitted to Cedar Sinai Medical Center, where doctors began the detox process.
“He looked awful when they brought him in,” said the source. “His color was ashen. He felt sick. It was just so sad.”
See, it’s sad because he’s probably going to die soon if this keeps up.
Lindsay Lohan, let this be a lesson to you!
What’s the state of the universe you ask? Taaaaaa-da!
David Hasselhoff Gets Full Custody of Children
Yes, this David Hasselhoff:
Actually that’s not near as bad as this… talk about ABUSE!
Don’t watch this on your lunch break, guys.
[via Defamer]
So in the wake of Cheeseburger-Gate, a judge has apparently taken away The Hoff’s visitation rights with his two teenage daughter. He can communicate with them over the phone only.
In a statement, Hoff said: “Despite that I have been going through a painful divorce and I have recently been separated from my children due to my work, I have been successfully dealing with my issue,” he said. Unfortunately, one evening I did have a brief relapse, but part of recovery is relapse. I have seen the tape. I have learned from it and I am back on my game,” he said. The tape was never meant to become public but got into the hands of individuals who are not worthy of mentioning, who maliciously released the tape for their own self purpose. I hope that someone else will learn from the tape, as I have.”
He claims his teenage daughters made the tape one night to show him what he was like when he was drunk, because they were concerned for his safety.
Hopefully he will get back on his feet and be able to stay sober! Good luck, Hoff!
In response to this video of him drunkenly eating a cheeseburger, David Hasselhoff has issued the following statement, essentially accusing his ex-wife of leaking the video and hoping that six paragraphs of calling her an alcoholic while claiming to take the high road will help us all forget about how he was basically too drunk to eat a cheeseburger on the floor of his hotel room while his daughter filmed him and begged him to stop drinking.
An excerpt:
“While I acknowledge that I am a recovering alcoholic who must deal with my own issue on a daily basis, my ex-wife has refused to deal with her own issues, which include having tested positive for alcohol and illegal substances in response to court ordered testing. Although she has publicly denied having tested positive, proof of her drug use is part of the Court record.
I truly hope that my ex-wife will get the help that she so desperately needs for her own sake and for the sake of our children, and that in the future she will refrain from perpetuating falsehoods and selfishly compromising the well-being of our children so that they can move forward with their lives, with their privacy respected. I look forward to the day that our marital litigation is behind me, so that our children and I can move forward with our lives in peace.”
Yeah. What part of “recovering alcoholic” involves getting wasted in front of your daughter and then blaming your wife? Which step is that, Hoff? Just curious.
Full statement reprinted after the jump.
