The Hoff went into rehab earlier this month after two cases of alcohol poisoning and an incident where he tried to punch a doctor that was treating him. Recently, he spoke out about his alcoholism and compared himself to first aid practice mannekin Amy Winhouse.

“The problem that I’ve experienced in my own life and some of the stuff that’s been documented about Amy is a universal problem.
“It’s an illness. You don’t wake up in the morning and decide to have this problem.”

When I think of similarities between the Hoff and the House, I tend to think of creepy, inept fathers and fake breasts, but yeah, alcoholism too. Sure.

In what other ways are David Hasselhoff and Amy Winehouse similar?

David Hasselhoff quite possibly might have the most optimistic publicist ever.  You’d have to be optimistic to believe that the public would buy this story, buuuuuuut here goes:  The Hoff wasn’t drunk last night; he had an “ear infection”.  Apparently, he’s on medication for his “ear infection” and had a bad reaction to it that caused dizziness and disorientation which mimicked intoxication.

I’m sure he’s telling the truth, because his daughter who called 911 is only 17.  I’ve often become confused between alcohol and Amoxicillin; it’s an easy mistake.  Weirdly, the EMTs that arrived on the scene felt that Hoff’s condition was serious enough to transport him to a local hospital.  You just never realize how dangerous inflamed ear drums can be until something like this happens.

You know, I too had a really bad, uh, “ear infection” once.  As a matter of fact, to this day I can’t even look at a bottle of Sambuca because of how badly I was “infected”.

David will be unavailable for the rest of the week due to his “jury duty” obligations.  Hoff, give your publicist a raise, ‘kay?

Aw, man.  It seems like our favorite America’s Got Talent judge has fallen Hoff the wagon.  Yesterday afternoon David Hasselhoff’s 17-year-old daughter Hayley called her mother to complain that Daddy was drunk.  Really drunk.  911 was summoned and Hoff was hauled away to the hospital.  It was expected that he would be released last night.

It’s sad that David can’t seem to stay sober.  If there’s a silver lining in all of this, at least this episode of drunkenness wasn’t videotaped.

Rehab visits come in waves, like deaths and flu pandemics and vodka poured down Lindsay Lohan’s throat. (Who am I kidding? That last one’s a steady current.) Don’t get excited, though; Lindsay’s not in rehab again just yet. Right now we have VJ Matt Pinfield, who checked himself in last week, and Dennis Rodman, who’s agreed to do outpatient treatment although friends were hoping he’d opt for inpatient.

The former NBA star, who has battled addiction for years, has agreed to enter an outpatient program where he’ll regularly see a counselor.

While it is a step in the right direction, last week family and friends of Rodman, including his former Los Angeles Lakers coach, Phil Jackson, unsuccessfully reached out to the star, who refused to admit himself to an inpatient facility.

“Yes, they tried an intervention, but unfortunately Dennis refused to go,” Rodman’s rep tells E! News. “We all know how amazing he is when sober and we hope he gets there soon.”

Meanwhile, David Hasselhoff was found passed out on his floor by his 16-year-old daughter Hayley. She called her mother, Pamela Bach — from whom David is bitterly estranged — and she came over and rushed him to the hospital. He had severe alcohol poisoning.

A source said a frightened Hayley kept “slapping her dad’s face” to keep him alive. “He was barely breathing when they got him at the hospital … He’s recovering. Pam was his bedside till 4a.m. this morning. This is about the 7th time he’s been taken to a hospital over the last few years with alcohol poisoning. How many visits will it take before he dies?”

Indeed. It’s especially heartbreaking because The Hoff’s tried so, so hard to get and stay sober over the years. I give him a rough time sometimes, but I know it’s killing him to put his daughters through this, and my heart just hurts for this family. What a vicious disease. Expect David to do yet another round of inpatient.

The perpetually rehabbing star (well, he’s a star in Germany) finally came to an agreement on a divorce settlement with his wife, Pamela Bach.

The financial arrangements were not released, but the two will share custody of their two teenage girls.

Unless one of them is in rehab, which is most of the time.

I don’t even know what to make of this. My head’s kind of exploding right now.

Paris Hilton.

David Hasselhoff.

Matthew Perry.

Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge.

Rumer Willis.

Lacey Chabert.

Tila Tequila.

Lydia Hearst.

Aubrey O’Day.

Aubrey O’Day’s extensions.

Cory Kennedy. (Everyone’s favorite teenage heroin addict!)

I don’t even know which joke to make first. It’s overwhelming!!! I want to write an entire short story about this night!! Or film a season of The Surreal Life!

Were they holding an AA meeting afterwards? Are you even allowed to attend AA meetings if your last name’s Tequila? Honestly, the only thing this all-star team was missing was its group counselor.

Or did attendance count as some manner of community service?

I just don’t understand!

A couple other points:

1) Paris Hilton needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. In fact, the whole world needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. We need to start flying planes over third-world countries and dropping pamphlets with a variety of pictographic instructions informing them that no one, anywhere, ever, is to wear a jumpsuit like that ever again.

2) Rumer Willis’s hair is back to brunette. And it’s curly now. Not, like, a luxurious curl. More of an I-didn’t-realize-I-wasn’t-supposed-to -have-the-blow-dryer-in-the-bathtub curl.