Dane Cook is a moron. He is an unfunny, clueless, meathead. Let me just get that out of the way.

In an interview with MTV, Dane Cook says that something he’d like to do is play The Joker or The Riddler in a Batman movie, were they ever to bring those two characters back. Yes, the parts played by geniuses like Heath Ledger and Jim Carey.

Dane Cook legitimately has no idea that he’s never going to be anything more than what he is. His movies suck, his stand up hasn’t been funny to anyone over the age of 18 in a long-ass time and his once “good looks” have now deteriorated with age to the point where he just looks like your friend’s weird “young” uncle who was always hanging around the house when you went over to play.

If I was his publicist, I would have ran over to him and shoved a sock in his mouth the second he started talking about Batman movies. He will never make a Batman movie. Alicia Silverstone was probably the least-worthy person ever in a Batman movie and I love Alicia Silverstone. Dane Cook can maybe work the craft services table on a Batman movie. Maybe. On the luckiest day of his life.

I’m truly not trying to shake your faith in mankind but there does seem to be a theft and betrayal theme to the celebrity news stories tonight.

Darryl McCauley, manager to comedian Dane Cook, was arrested today on larceny and forgery charges.  In one incident, McCauley allegedly transferred $3 million from Cook’s account into his own.  It goes to show you how stupid criminals can be.  Did he really think Dane wouldn’t notice $3 million missing? 

Stealing from your boss is bad enough but here’s the real Happy Holidays for you:  Did I mention that McCauley is Dane Cook’s brother?  Yes, the fuck over came from his very own flesh and blood.

OMG.

So here’s a taste of what Dane Cook had to say on his MySpace blog about the poster for his upcoming film, My Best Friend’s Girl:

1. Graphics:
Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with
3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using “You Suck at Photoshop” templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.

2. My head:
The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears’ vagina.

3. The Stare.
My character apparently has fallen in love with a strand of Kate Hudsons hair. Kate’s mannequin is desperately in love with the inside of my right ear while Jason is half stunned, half corsage.

4. Lips:
It looks like I’m wearing Maybelline Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick. My characters name is now Winter Solstice and I’m a hooker with a heart of gold. Jason is my floral carrying pimp, while Kate is my first trick!

5. Fashion:
My character is sporting a very high collar I mean damn they should be snow capped at that altitude. It’s going for the vampire lurking in the castle basement vibe. An Olympic pole vaulter would have a tough go clearing that collar. I’m also able to turn my head comfortably 180 degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls.

For all the publicity this little blog post has generated, no one has pointed out that he misspelled Britney Spears’ name. This phenomenon continues to amaze me. It was totally acceptable during, like, the first year or so that she was famous. But Britney Spears has been an international celebrity for about a decade now. There is simply no excuse for an educated adult man working in the entertainment industry to be spelling it “Brittany.” And what blows my mind even further is that he got the possessive apostrophe right: “Brittany Spears‘ vagina.” So, like, there’s a tiny portion of his brain focused on spelling and grammar here, and, yet, he’s still calling her “Brittany.” Unbelievable.

There are like an additional eight million errors and inconsistencies in this post, but the “Brittany” issue felt, to me, to be the most pressing. It makes my brain want to explode a little bit.

Dane Cook is such a moron. I would still have sex with him, mind you, because he’s kind of hot, but he’s a moron. In fact, here’s what I would do: I would let him be on top, and have sex with me for two or three minutes or however long it took him to finish. Then, while he was sleeping, I would wander around his house with a red pen and make grammatical edits to any piece of his writing I could find around the house. And then I would have an orgasm. I’m a little tingly just fantasizing about it.

Dane’s entire blog entry is after the jump.

(more…)

Dane Cook is going to trial. But not on charges of awful, awful comedy. No, he’s going to trial because his landlord is trying to evict him because his dog shits everywhere.

Jury selection was today.

Apparently the questions Dane’s lawyer asked to the jurors included the following:

- What’s worse: Stepping in gum or stepping in dog poop?
- If you live next to a park and saw dog poop, would you avoid that park?
- Would you confront someone about spitting out gum on the sidewalk or not picking up dog poop in a public place?
- Would you confront a neighbor about picking up after their dog?

Hm.

Leo doesn’t really have a problem with pooping on public property, but he definitely pees everywhere. Because he’s so little, when he gets excited — like if someone is playing with him — he just can’t help himself and he piddles all over them. Luckily my landlord thinks Leo is adorable and would never evict him for peeing. Which is good because he’s done it in their office like five times, including the day I signed my lease. It’s their own fault though because they always play with him when he comes into the office. I warn them that he’s going to pee, but they don’t stop. So if they ever try to evict me on charges of Leo peeing, I’m going to tell that to the judge.

Okay, look, I find Dane Cook to be as annoying and unfunny as the next guy, but, if I’m being honest, I think the guy’s way hot.

And John Krasinski is, well — I don’t think anyone can make the case that he’s not sexy as hell.

So here’s John and Dane on the red carpet for Cosmo’s Fun Fearless Male awards.

And you have to admit, it takes a fearless male to pose on the red carpet in front of Cosmo’s bright pink logo.

This article from our friends at CNN poses a question: Is Dane Cook the Funniest Man in America? The answer is amazing in that it can be answered more quickly than a rattlesnake’s strike – Hell No. Thankfully the article itself, 80 words into it, quickly retreats from the giant silly headline and attempts a new query: Is he funny (at all)?

And then the coup de gras, the URL includes the following text: danecook.notfunny.

My only theory is that one of the bigshots at CNN heard from his 12 year-old niece that Mr. Cook is simply hilarious and passed the headline along to a real writer. This real writer, having the exclusive under 50 (but over 12) knowledge that Cook isn’t funny at all tried to tone down the piece so he didn’t get ridiculed by friends and family. Then he turned it over to a tech guy to put in the system and that guy knew FOR SURE that Cook wasn’t funny plus he was going to give the other tech guys a little nerd like shout-out (which is still in fact funnier than anything Dane Cook has ever done).

I guess what I’m saying is this; when do we get to see Employee of the Month 2?

• Brad and Angelina are forced to exercise amongst the unwashed masses, despite their earnest pleas to be spared such indignity.
• Just what Kelly Ripa needs: another television show.

• I bet Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson have really deep pillow talk. “I know many consider Thus Spoke Zarathustra to be Nietzsche’s most important work, Jess, but I’ve personally always felt it to be Ecce Homo, with it’s ultimate emphasis on transvaluation.” “I concur, Dane. So very heartily.”
• Sigourney Weaver injures her knee on a trampoline while filming a movie. “You have to learn what not to do with your knees,” says the actress, ostensibly to Lindsay Lohan.