“The notion that I would want her back as a girlfriend is bizarre. I am now in one of the best relationships in memory with Crystal Harris and the twins. I’m not going to screw it up with former girlfriends. I would not trade Crystal Harris for anybody in the else in the world. And then this thing comes out and today is Crystal’s birthday … It’s ridiculous.”

Hugh Hefner, on the rumors that he wants Holly Madison back.

Listen up, Hef: When you talk about your girlfriend and “the twins,” and you’re referring not to her breasts but to your other teenage girlfriends, there’s a problem. Right there I can spot a problem.

Also, at 83 years old, you can stop with the references to “this thing” that “comes out” that everyone finds “ridiculous.” We all know what you’re talking about. Can’t you give the girl a rest on her birthday?

In addition to The Shannon Twins, Hugh Hefner’s Pussy Squad has added Crystal Harris, a 22-year-old student at San Diego State University.

Crystal introduced herself on an E! online message board over the holidays, telling fans that “Hef gave me permission to fill people in on the new updates as a voice from the mansion.”

No other girlfriends are in the mix at this time, she says, but “there are a couple that we have interest in. … As for now, it is just us three.”

I love it. “A couple that we have interest in.” It’s like rush. They make them all do the Playboy Cheer and then vote by secret ballot or some shit.

Crystal’s never been in the magazine, but she did appear in a series of topless and semi-nude photos as a Co-ed of the Week on Playboy.com in late October under the name “Crystal Carter.”

Her MySpace page is here.